yet another day started as normal then i started getting into a weird mood so i took a shower felt the warm water while looking through the window at the sunset
for some reason i feel empty im listening to lofi radio on youtube and i dont know but i feel off just earlier i was help[ing out a friend
who was saying shes suicidal i help people but i dont really care so why do i do it i really dont know i have never been one to be mean or
holds grudges against anyone back in the day i was seruiously unstable but now im on an antipsychotic and im mostly mellow never bored but one problem i feel
is that i have little empathy because of my schizophrenia or meds i dont even know anymore so i mask everything and people think im normal when really i have darkness that eats at me
i hear voices when having regular conversations saying the things you wouldnt think or say such as if someone was a really nice person and come to you and tell you something id hear liar
what a bitch or many other things i have always said schizophrenia hasnt bothered me but i have come to the realization it has i want to take an anxiety med so bad right now to get rid of this mood but i feel i can only type how i really feel if i take nothing and dal with it
anxiety is a very big problem in my life also it makes me almost quit school or hate social groups but with a pill i can easily be good life isnt easy for me even though i have a good family and they give me things
but materialistic things arent what make you happy i dont really know what does make someone happy is having fun happiness i dont know i view friends as entertainment
and fun and something to do but when im home in y thoughts im just facing darkness i sugar coat everything i tell everyone to the t i dont tell anyone my real feelings so they are not hurt and i dont even tell my therapist how i feel
im just gradually uppinbg my anti psychotic meds to the point i might just have to switch people think that its all in your head and get over it but i cant im just stuck in my thoughts and hearing things aginst what i think
at this very moment im in a very weirds mood i just feel empty like i couldnt give a shit what happens to me but hey mysaelf is all i need right
i have people that care for me come to me woth problems but i really dont care about any of it the only reason i help is because its the right thing to do
but even then why do i keep helping or acting like i care to gain respect manipulate i dont know and thats what scares me the ost i dont know my own self this world is dark and even though i have a good chance at things right now i feel i have nothing as im eaten away
im listening to lofi radio its calming but why am i still questioning myself i dont know i dont know anything anymore how could someone not even love their own parents what amn i a monster?
i dont even know what to do anymore nopthing is helping but dont worry im not suicidal but i did have one point in time a few months back where i wanted to die to see the afterlife not because im depressed i wouldnt say i have depression at all im mostly feeling ok because ignore everything but when im alonbe in my room
is when the everything hits me im starting to realize im tired of having strange behavior being weird having no empathy and voices i wish i knew what normal was but i never have known what normal is for other because normal to me is just what ive known same for everyone else
i smoked weed sometimes but it makes me have a mild psychosis so i stopped after doing it for awhile. i also wonder why i cant talk to anyone about how i feel the two people i have told the most about what i feel and think cried i dont even know why maybe because everything is a lie i put a mask on no one suspects a thing they dont know my suffering but i had both friends say they accept me but why is that?
why do i deserve acceptance to me im just a monster in human skin the thoughts i used to have the voices with the thoughts the fact i almost hurt my family its a living hell and i really dont know what to do i believe in god so i wish he would help me because deep down there is no one
that can help me really i have to deal with this not it makes me think i cant have a good job that im just gonna be a no life when others around me are getting married have jobs go to college
and i just say i want to be a doctor i used to be interested but i really dont even look into the future anymore i just live day by day in this torturous hell just writing how i feel is making me feel better so whoever reads this and is suffering with anything im sorry you go through what you go through whether it be mental illness or physical problems or both no one should go through what we do and just know your not alone.that is all for today as i start my journey of blogging my life.