this image represents me trying to be positive in the darkness i feel telling myself i can get through it and smile.but little does everyone know my smile is not real its fake the only time i smile is when i have fun and fun is temporary so after the fun is over its back to my head.You know whats funny i listen and help so many others i can’t even help myself and when i tell people im struggling or im having problems they brush it off makes me seem like everyone’s fake you know i was struggling last night real hard when i wrote my blog for the first time after i was done i had teary eyes this pain i feel no one should have to go through , but its ok ill fight through it. I never view stuff from other perspectives not even music so when i hear music i like it ,because of the beat and how it sounds never how the lyrics actually are or what they mean but yesterday after writing my first blog i listened to a song but i actually listen to the lyrics and it describes what i feel to a degree not about love but about being in my head that song is Billie Eilish – lovely heres a link to it with lyrics listen to it and really to try to envision it meaning for someone with mental illness https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ws2Ne8TpKo
give it a listen i relate to it. you know i have a lot of friends but yet i feel so alone because no one understands me i have one good friend though he is one of my best friends and even if i dont feel a connection with him or anyone he is there for me he is a real guy we relate with our anxieties . the thing that matters is he accepts me i don’t know how hard it is for him to accept me or if he looks at me differently but i enjoy my time with him it’s fun. i Have told him how i feel about things but he is a real person realer then these other people i know ,so why dont i feel a connection or care still about him if i dont care why do i deserve to call him a bestfriend why do i deserve to be one of his best friends.
the fact that i always put a mask on makes me feel like no one should be my friend because i lie to everyone about who i truly am ,because i feel if i told them how i felt they would all be pushed away and i’d have no friends and friends are the people i find fun and enjoyment with. You know i just went to Europe about a couple weeks ago with one family member i had fun going on it but now i think back on it i had to much anxiety to go into the cities for too long wore my own family down they told me because i worry too much i know my parents lovew me if they didnt they wouldnt have given me a car or paid 10k to go to europe which is something people never get to do and yet i dont feel anything for them.Not a single thing i don’t know what i even view them as im thankful my mom helps me out but i still dont feel that love and my dad has a bad temper so when any of my parents do something to anger me my thoughts mixed with the voices flips like a switch “they should die” “worthless pieces of scum” all i hear from voices are bad things sometimes i dont even disagree with the voices because i hear them so much i called my psych a couple days ago he bumped my meds up a tiny bit but im going to have to tell my therapist alot but i dont think anything can honestly save me im falling in an abyss i still feel like a monster but everyone sees me as normal or doesnt understand me its like im truly alone maybe if i talk to others with schizophrenia it will help or if i send my aprents and grandma to classes to learn more about mental illness would that help i dont but im willing to try anything at this point.I wonder what its like to give up without being suicidal ,because im not suicidal but i feel close to giving up it hurts everything hurts my eyes are getting alittle teary right now as i type im not sad just its hard to take all this. I had to collect myself for a moment i really do feel alone even surrounded by friends because i dont care about them and they think i do but its a lie so whats the point.God like i said lofi radio helps me calm down i asked my mom if she could put someone money in my account to pay for this blog and she asked what for i said so i can write my feelings that i cant say to anyone else. she said why cant i see and i told her she would probably cry and i thinks its true if she saw the pain and suffering im going through they would all be hurt and try to help me but i feel as if i cant be helped and i need meds to be happy and sane. life is cruel sometimes i bet if i had money right now like millions i wouldnt be happier people would just use me more and ask for money and everyone would turn faker then they already are. whats the point really this darkness i just want to see the light please thats all i want is for me to feel something i used to think feeling no emotions was better then feeling because i seen how hurt people get i even had friends say they wish they didnt feel but i want to feel so i can feel better they dont understand how much of an outcast you feel like.to try and fit into normal life when you dont care and everyone thinks you do so you put a mask on and sugar coat every goddamn thing. I just want to see good and feel normal try to understand my pain i know you cant but im pouring my feelings into this so maybe you can get a glimpse of the hell i live. thats not even the worst part anxiety stops me from everything i need a pill to live even more normal you cant put a mask on anxiety people notice.anxiety is the second worst thing to happen to me i cant do anything becuase of it i want to give up instantly but im strong right?I hope i can make it in the future i see why people with schizophrenia have higher suicide rates its hard to deal with this and some people think physical disabilities are harder to deal with i think nothing is more hard or worse because you dont know what i feel like and i dont know what you feel like so who are we to judge?my grandpa just walked in my room while my eyes were teary he doesnt suspect a think he doesnt know im suffering but i smiled and said hi grandpa and i havent seen him in months because he lives in idaho but now i probably wont talk to him for the rest of the time hes here because i dont care about him really at least my best friend came home today and we could skype i havent talked to him one on one in awhile its nice. I just want anyone whos reading this and has problems its going to be ok its hard to be strong but nothing is impossible even though it may seem like it. That is all for today thanks for reading have a good day and just know there are always better days.