This picture represents all the times and people who have tried to bring me down and say they are the “realest” person, when in reality they are what brought me down. It represents me looking at myself, wondering, “Why do I stay in things for so long before it falls apart?” The answer I feel is I don’t like to give up on people regardless of their toxicity, minimizing, invalidation, selfishness, hypocritical, or ironic nature. I like to see the good in people first and foremost. I have seen people with the highest egos or pride, show vulnerability willingly. The sad part is that some don’t realize what they had, until their gone and what they lost. It saddens me even more knowing that they are less likely to change their ways or lose more friends with their behavior. Either that or the ones that do stay will make them a product of their environment. I always keep in mind though, that people have their own problems, so it isn’t always their fault. Sometimes it’s others that shaped them. You know what I am proud of myself and how far I’ve come. I am resilient, strong willed, good natured, and yeah no ones perfect, but that’s why we can always improve. My grandma recently got cancer and with my mental illness I feel it caused me to have an unusual reaction. I laughed at my mom crying or got irritated, or have even been somewhat indifferent towards my grandmother, even though she has a rare cancer and can’t do anything due to it hurting her back. I can’t help how I feel, but I can work on my ability to help. That’s something I am going to do, I am also gonna lose more weight just saw today I lost 5 pounds. I got to talk to a good friend again recently we reconnected and she told me all that’s been going on with her move and her fiancé and seeing her brother. It was a breath of fresh air. I have been thinking of how old or current friendships I have are toxic but also not, like pros and cons. Everyone knows Discord or most do, I’d assume, so I have come to the realization that I match energies of the different servers and friend groups I have. For example but vague, in this discord I act this way vs. this other discord I am this way. I wouldn’t call it masking or being fake I am still being my genuine self, but I have some changed behaviors between friend groups. I call it social adaptation. Although. something still bothers me regarding that, one reason why is because I do not mix friend groups. It could be due to past events, but even then I still was iffy on it. So, the unanswered question I want to know is why? Why do I not want to mix them? For now, it is a mystery, later I hope I find the answer. I had inspiration to come back and post a blog and I want to start doing it once a week now. I am still listening to that same ol’ Lo-fi, when I write. I just feel so free spirited, like I am content and things are moving forward. I have challenges hitting me left and right, but they won’t bring me down and that’s a promise. I can take toxicity for the better good, I know when to pull out of something not healthy, and I know when something isn’t worth my time. I hope anyone who reads this, just know it does get better even if you have no hope. Look at my older posts of when I was in despair, suffering, pain, and more. Now look where I am at. You can do it too, and when you do, you will look at the past as a learned experience and never have to go back. Stay strong and I will too. I saw a 5 minute video randomly on YouTube today and it was titled something along the lines of “If you are ambitious, but have no motivation please watch this.” I was hesitant at first thinking to myself, “I don’t need help” well, it turns out I remembered everyone needs a shoulder to lean on sometimes. So I clicked the video, and it said basically summed up, that you can just start something anything and just take a small step. That resonated with me, because that’s exactly what I did to get here, where I am today. So you know what I did? I instead of cutting portions for weight loss, made a bag of broccoli and oranges, I also wrote today. Tomorrow I might do more, all’s you have to do is start, doesn’t matter how little. If you want to write a 200 page book, just start with 1 sentence. Even if it doesn’t seem like much, your brain usually quits on stuff because something seems too big, so start with something small. You will slowly change your habit and and can start writing more and more, until you get that momentum to keep on going. That’s what I do and am still doing. Here’s a song to end this blog, and although not long as I may want, at least I started again.
