This picture represents the torture i feel in my mind and suffering i go through but in the end hopefully i find my heaven .Today i just got done talking to my therapist and its decided that im doing worse and worse so im going to the ER to be evaluated.Im scared not to be going to the hospital but because i dont want lose my sanity im losing it more and more with each day in todays therapy appointment i was shaking crying getting louder and im just having a real hard time but im trying to be positive.Im scared also because im afraid of losing myself i dont want to go back to the hellish thoughts back in the day where i almost hurt my mom and had demented thoughts and voices and pcitures in my head all agreeing with each other i dont want to go back never .The thoughts i used to have i wont even talk about them here but lets just say its disturbing dementing and all around traumatizing to think back on. i also dont want to ever go abck into a psychosis again which randomly happened a year or two ago where i was sitting in my room then feeling weird then hearing whistling music and then hearing what sounded to be a rattlesnake under my bed then i woke my mom up probably around 15 times that night because of bad i was freaking out i was laying in my bed looking upward looking at my figures and the light illuminating of my computer made the figures have shadow and they morphed into shadow people getting bigger and wider.I then went out into my living room where i tried laying down and i could hear my heartbeat in my head so i covered my ears with a blanket but it just grew louder i was seeing things on walls i can’t describe this is hell this is what i have to go through this is hell.i dont want to go back please thats all i ask im afraid so afriad i dont want to lose my sanity but i feel it slowly creeping away like worms eating my brain away.I’m also forgetting things constantly even mid sentence and i can never remember what i say i therapy sessions or what people tell me or what i want to say.Another thing i want to talk about is i heard that people with schizophrenia are more like to be abused then be the abuser, and i see why thats true im often to the center of jokes or someone to put the blame on i dont know why it happens to me like that but it does not from everyone but it all makes me feel like an outcast.I’m deteriorating so bad i had a break down last night at 12 am crying to my mom im afraid im afraid over and over and i dont even know what i said to her but my family know im struggling now.before im guessing they thought i was ok or under control but im not and now im going to be assessed at an er and ill go from there but its ok because i want the help i want to get better and i actually am so unstable right now i dropped college this semester till i can get back together. I talked to my best friend this morning and he helped me out alot to i know he can see im struggling too.Its just i wish things could be normal this is so bad to go through but at least i know i need help and am trying to help myself before i lose my sanity which is my worst fear.No one may know who i am but i gave this blog to one person that i trust with all y being so if i die somehow he will show the people i know this and they will see my thoughts and feelings but i dont mean im going to commit suicide i just mean if i somehow die i would like this to not be lost forever without anyone knowing.And to the people that find it hard to be friends with people with mental illness its hard i know but its even harder for them trust me and if you throw them away just because they have problems then you will make us feel unwanted and make our lives even more dark thats why i dont tell anybody about my schizophrenia to the full extent.Im afraid ill push them away afraid that things that are fun for me will be gone ill be an outcast more then i already feel i am if i do get put on a hold then ill post another blog when i get out because im leaving right after this.
One last thing on my mind i wanna say or two things is my dad sent me a song its a christian one and i was about to lose all faith in god wondering why he put me through this but for some reason this song put the faith back in me
theres the song even if you dont believe in god thats fine but alls i want is help and ill go to whatever i can and try that option.the other thing is i laugh at the wrong things alot like when someone told me at college that they had to leave early because they had to put their cat down or my grandma crying over financial issues i cant help but laugh and smile its not on purpose i just do and people tell me its a coping mechanism but i believe its just apart of my bizzare behavior you could ask some of my friends i talk to if you ever did they would tell you i ask and think of the weirdest things anyones ever thought but thats ok because that me and i accept that but when it gets worst is when i need more help like right now.I have to go now but hopefully ill be back soon stronger then before or have had more help or anything so thanks to everyone that tries to help me even if you dont understand i wish i knew what it was like to care about someone like that but anyways i have to get going now i know things will get better.