Thoughts and habits

This picture represents how i feel like a monster on the inside still and put on masks so people dont know i feel and not only that ,but i act different with diferent people so you can say i multiple masks.People assume im doing good because i smile alot and laugh but deep down its not like that before i get into a very big thing i do i want to tell my thoughts.I went to the ER yesterday because i need help but i told them i wasnt going to harm myself or others so i was let go like 4 hours later but they told me to go to the psych mental health facility and i went but it was already 11 pm my grandma was tired and i just told her lets leave i want to go to another one anyway.I still want actual help and as im typig now my psych just called i said the jist of what happened and he said he will talk to me this friday i moved my appointment closer.I really just want help its really hard to hit the nail on the head with schizophrenia and find right meds and sometimes they stop working and keep upping oses its hard to balance but ill still get help.One thing i talked about with my therapist is that she was talking about how i know the difference between nice and mean and i like to be a nice person and when people need help i give them adivce and listen and dont judge.she thinks there could be a disconnect from what my brain thinks and feel then to my actions.So basically she thinks i care evcen though i dont think i do which could be true but i still wonder why then dont i feel anything when they tell me their problems or if they want to commit suicide like in all reality i wouldnt care if they did it i’d just keep living my life but i help them anyway so i really dont know what caring is most of these words seem foreign to me now ,like i dont even know what they mean.I help people and dont know why i do it maybe i do it because i think its the right thing to do or i want them to trust me more so they want to talk more tyo me so i dont feel outcasted and want to have fun talking or maybe i do care but my mind doesnt i dont know i can only speculate.Another thing is i told my therapist that know matter what if like say one person i know all my friends said he used me so i listened to them and stopped talking to him but he was one of my best friends then one day i realized i dont talk to people much so its fun to talk to again regardless of what he did or did not do to me.My therapist told me that was compassion but to me in my mind i just want to talk to people its something to do and most of the time i have fun.the world is sure full of speculation and beauty.Even though i feel in the heart of darkness i love seeing aesthetic photos or beautiful nature photos or watch anime.Actually anime is one of the only things to get me feeling some sort of way and ill explain that when i talk about my habit and how it all comes together.hopefully i dont forget since i dont re read my blogs.Another thing i wanted to say is i call people best friends and stuff right but they are just people i talk to more i dont know what other people view best friends as but i just talk to them more so i call them that.There is only one person is true and real to me and i trust him more then anyone and hes an online friend i trust my other real life friends i know since i have been young but i have never talked on such a personal level with anyone to the extent ive told him.I say i love you so much to so many people habit but i never mean it but i was thinking to myself that maybe trust is my love because when i ask people the definition of love everyone gives me so many diverse answers so maybe its unique to everyone i dont know i dont really see viewpoints from others well.and my friend said do you respect me because i respect you so i asked him what respect meant because thats like another foreign word to me he told me its like admiration which i still dont know what that means ,but he said what qualities he likes about me and i said well i like when your always truthful and real with me so many i do have respect for him anbd trust and maybe thats what love is to me maybe.i cant think of anyone else i respect i mean my mom does so much for me but what qualities do i like i dont know maybe im not understanding this fully but its ok i will hopefully one day. Another thing about my online best friend is i have learned so much by what he has told me throughout the years and i used examples i hear from other people to give it advice to others.There was one time my friend was drunk and made a comment when i was at a house and said something that made it sound like he thought about cheating on his girlfriend for a second.So i sat with and i told him ive seen what cheating does to someone my one friend got cheating on and still cries to this day wondering if life is worth it but he has other reasons for thinking that too so i dont blame him but anyway i told him cheating is one of the worst things you can do to someone i remember earlier before he told me if anyone fucked his girl he would kill them and was death satrinbg me and made me uncomfortable with my anxiety so i told him if someone did that to you you would be heartbroken think about what it would ddo to her she would probably wonder why shes not good enough what went wrong and everything.He got teary eyed and said i dont want to cry man but thanks.I got all that from my best friend because i seen him go through it so i could say what i see and hear but now the question is do i care about stuff because i could of just not said anything to him when he made that comment but i stepped in because cheating is bad from what i seen.But if he actaually would of cheated  i probably wouldnt even of cared but i still wonder what brings me to give advice qwhen the actions itself doesnt matter.Anyway thats anough on my thoughts today let me talk about one of my baits that i think have to do with my schizophrenia

 

So i have a spatula with me at all times in my house and i spin it at a white surface and not every spatula works only certain ones but when i spin them i see a different reality i can make whatever i want and see it through my eyes and no one will understand how much happiness it brings me i literally see a whole story i make up as i go and i spin at my house most of the time so let me give some examples i could be playing a game like dota 2 and die or kill someone but ill sping my spatula to recreate that time and bend it to my will and recreate it in my own way like i could even make the characters say stuff to each other as i see it again.If anyone knew what it does for you and could do it everyone would i believe because who wouldnt want their own reality to create i used to sit in my living room floor and stare at the ceiling and spin my spatula for hours still do sometimes and i also create my own stories where im like a godlike figure or and a dictator because i like evil sides in games and stuff i like imagining evil stuff.now that i think about it some stories are dark i spin.one story i spun was me being a demon lord but looked like buts from berzerk and i massacred my best friends family which triggered him to want to kill me and he became griffith because god gave him angel powers so we both rules both halves of the world and fought each other spereating oceans and this story i been spinning for month or two and the best thing is i can multiple stories all at once and go back to them anytime and continue right where i left off .Its beautiful to me that i can create anything in my mind i want and picture it and see it like real time but snap out of it anytime too i swear everyone would do it if they could its really enjoyable.I mostly spin fantasy i even spun about being the antichrist before and wreaking havoc on the world but i detail so much i cant ever type one of my stories out they lasts months days and think specific details that i see.I love anime and this is what i was talking about  everything tying together so i think the reason i love anime so much is because its me seeing someone elses fantasy that was in their head and now everyone else can see it i just love fantasy and anime actually gives me chills to where my kidneys hurt and that might be a bad thing thinking on it now but i have been mocked for spinning before at school with a certain pen only that pen would work or i cant see same with spatulas if its not the right now i cant see my own reality cant really explain but people would spin their hands and mock me i used to do it in front of friends and family at my house no rpoblem but now im self concious my therapist wants to see me do it but i cant bring myself to do it now even if i try in front of others it wont work anymore and i hope it never stops working because its a big part of my life and what keeps me happy its my go to for anything now that you guys know about that hope yuou can understand maybe alittle better.I went off tack so i think anime gives me spine chills only because of the fact its someone elses story that was originally created in their mind ad now its for everyone to see and i spin my own fantasy but not for others to see.im thinking it would be cool to write a book one day or make something one day but its not really my passion, i dont know what my passion is but ill find it i had to cut off this semster in college because of unstable im slowly getting.But again thanks for reading my daily life and thoughts and seeing what things are like for me.See you guys tommorow.

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