Midnight thoughts

Sometimes i hear the word pathetic and think thats me.I view myself as weak but when talking to friends tonight they say im strong and its funny ,because my friend fighting depression i told him he was strong for that but i still view myself as weak.I knmow i keep saying it over and over but i feel alone my friend was talking about how he realizes he has such an impact on peoples lives and he wasnt bragging he really is a good person but people say i impact them and they love me care about me and ill hear a voice saying liars or they are just telling you that and im not gonna lie i agree with that mostly and i dont really feel anything when people say it to me because i feel like i dont impact anyone.but they still tell me i really help them and they dont know what they would do without me.Im so glad i dont have depression on top of my anxiety and ocd and schizophrenia because i really dont think  i could take it.I had a long talk with my friend right now and i realize though were are very different he has depression and i have schizophrenia we are so different so similar we both feel alone we both think we cant be saved but we have differences too it was just him and me talking and the last thing he said before he went to sleep was “I dont know if this means anything to you but you really do impact my life” what am i supposed to think or feel i dont know i keep hearing that but voices and anxiety thoughts mixed telll me its all lies and myself feels like how could i impact people when i truly dont care what happens to them. I just want to be in an at least stable state.i keepuping doses and dont know what to think of how to gget help maybe someone reading this can contact me and give suggestions and ill take them into consideration ill take anything at this point.But i do think theres a beauty in the fact that schizophrenia and depression are similar and different in their own ways ,but the reality is we will never understand each other and he doesnt pretend to understand me he tells me straight up he doesnt just like some others do .You know i was even thinking tonight since its midnight and its technically the next day i wanted to say i really want a relationship too see if i can have a connection and even if i can feel heartbreak then at least im feeling something i just want to feel alive but im also afraid that when i do start talking to a girl and maybe shes interested that i cant tell her about my schizophrenia because they will be instantly pushed away and think im a monster like i already feel like i am inside they wont even give me a chance but thats just my anxiety talking maybe theres someone out there who will help through all of it i dont know but im afraid that if i dont tell them and they find out later or even worse they think i dont care about them eventually they will leave and if i would of just told them they could of stayed and helped through it.This is my anxiety speaking right now thinkng ahead of things and making up scenarios like i always do but i really want a relationship.Maybe it could help me in ways i dont even know i just want someone to tell every bit about my problems with no judement or worry and they will accept me not saying my friends that know about me dont just that i want a companion to be able to lay with me looking in the stars and enjoying the beauty and ill forget about my darkness you know?id love to have that and see if it helps i hope i find the one i really do.As you can see anxiety with my schizphrenia makes it alot worse but im glad i dont have depression with it i couldnt even imagine.Like i said im not suicidal but there was the one time i was  and it wasnt because i was sad it was because i was going into a semi delusional state and wanted to be with the gods and it lasted for a day till i took my meds.I didnt even think it was a problem ,but i am  aware of my problems and thats a good thing right.man life is crazy cruel yet beautiful darki but i yet to find the light but im trying to swim out and find it ,so from now on im going to tell myself i wont be a homebody anymore im gonna put my self out there and find a nice person the right person no matter how many tries it takes .I pledge this to myself it may take alittle to get used to and anxiety meds but i can do it.I already set up small steps to get out more and when i take anxiety meds when im anxious i go to instant better feeling and i can be social i need the meds i dont know if i could do it without it i also planned to meet my online best friend soon to overcome some anxiety and schizophrenia so im taking steps and your reading it happen in the moment.Its a hard battle but  i will be victorious but theres always doubt i’d be lying if i said there wasnt. hearing a voice saying mean things about people and yourself and anxiety for so long you start believing some of the things ,But its ok i can do this and i hope you can see my success through this journey!that was fake enthusiasm im actually trying to be postive but like i said i just see darkness and doubts but im actually trying to help myself and thats a promise its just it wont be easy and it will be a long road.I dont even like relying on others im used to being by myself and dont like accepting help other then a therapist and psych.i tell my therapist ost things but i cant remember everything to say its like when i try to think of things my mind just goes blank.Maybe its just the meds sedating me.I’d rather be heavily medicated then insane i NEVER want to go back to my old ways of unstability i wont let it happen no matter what and if i som ehow lose all my sanity then what am i .Think about it what is a soul without a mind.Nothing. If i go crazy which is one of my fears ill just be locked up and forgotten.sorry its just my anxiety thinking again my mind goes through so many battles even when i type i contradict myself because im fighting so many things i cant think i eiether hear stuff or my mind is blank and i cant think of anything like said i think my blank mind could be from the meds and i keep uping the dose but another thing keeping me going while writing is the lofi radio because i cant write with silence that would be horrible theres a link on the main page ad you can hear the calming music it really soothes me.Also calms me and keepsme in a reality check.I also find beauty i music with no words just sounds every individual sound.Its mesmorizing .It really is. I wanna post a song i just thought about its a korean one i think but listen to with your eyes closed envision yourself in your safe place and enjoy im also glad im ovr a week clean on cannabis because it gave me mild psychosis everytime to points where im thinking ill be raped by friends or write down crazy logs the only reason i dont post those logs is so if anyone i know reads this they wont know its me because i dont want my friends and family seeing this just strangers and maybe someone i know will stumble across this and not even know its me ,but i bet by the things i say and type some people would recognize me but its whatever.One day ill show everyone my blog before i die or when i feel i can be open but i really want this to be private ,because its my deepest thoughts and i dont want people to change their opinion of me you guys understand dont you? well overall im on a journey since i started this blog to better myself and get ehlp i made this blog in the first place because i ahd noone i felt i could talk like this too.I want people to read my journey and thoughts and feelings so maybe you will understand even in the slightest or you can relate some.This is it for my blog tonight or technically this morning and heres the song i think you guys would enjoy dont think i forgot.I hope you enjoy it and dont forget to close your eyes and envision and place beautiful to you or  anything you can think of to make you feel happy.

 

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