Same stuff new day

This picture represents how i feel empty and alone on the inside ,because no one can understand me and i dont really feel connections with people.I wanted to start today off by saying I am still not used to the medication upage in my dose still and felt sedated all day today to the point where my gma drove me an hour away to my doctors appointment and she usually does because i have a fear of driving but i still usually meet her at her house half way.I went to my psych and he told me about the partial hospitalization and i said i’d do it so im expecting a call to come in monday.I am nervous ,but also glad im getting help i have to go everyday from monday to friday for 3 weeks.It is gonna be some group therapy and other stuff I know ill need anxiety meds for gorup therapy i can choose between a 3 hour and 6 hour timeframe to go and i want to choose the 3 hour ,because i dont want to be gone all day everyday and get struck in traffic but i said i’d get help aas uch as i can ,but i dont know which one too do so im going to get more info maybe i can mix both or maybe i have to do one or the other.I also have the fear of getting my meds changed ,because ill be getting a  new psych while in the partial hospitalization.Not to worry though it will be ok i tell my self but im having doubts at the same time.This is all new to me ,but if it’s to get better its worth it i still want to see my friend in september so im going to do that still.You know feeling sedated isn’t really fun ,but its better then being crazy let me tell you that for a fact.Losing yourself is worse them being drugged up the only problem is i dont want to keep upping my meds and i dont want to change them ,because i fear withdrawels since i have been taking such a high dose for like 7 years or 5.It’s ok im calm now the lofi radio is calming everything will be alright i promise that to myself.I started to realize after tlaking to my friend that some of the stuff i do is not only anxiety but my OCD too ,like always washing or cleaning my hands when im done right away or eating pizza with a napkin because i hate grease or when i hate drinking after people ,because of germs i dont even drink after family.I also have a crazy thing about being on time and today while on my way to the appointment my grandma came futher to pick me up then all the way back past her house because i was sedated and i was freaking out about making it on time so bad i called and said id be 15 mins late when i reality i made it there exactly on time.Another thing to lighten the mood ill say is today when i got in my grandmas truck i noticed a spider web from the dash to the seat so i destroyed it without thinking.Next thing you know i go through my day as usual then i open the door when were gonna switch cars at her house for her dog to come in and i saw something big.Like reallly BIG between the door and dash and then it moved wass about as big as a black widow was a really colorful spider so i didnt think it was one at first but i screamed and ran out yelling like a monkey and jumping over bushes.i told my grandma theres a giant spider kill it and the whole car ride to lunch i felt really scared about spiders i hate bugs.You will see me dodging if i see a bee or anything everyone knows that about me.I’m a gu and i get scared easily even when i watch horror .Like when i was watching a youtube vid with a friend and something in a game jumped at the screen i screamed haha.It’s ok though ,because it is who I am and i accept myself although i can be self conscious because of anxiety.Overall my day went well and i enjoyed it though i was sedated the whole day and it just wore off an hour ago then in a little bit im going to take my pills again pass out and wake up sedated again until a week from now when i get used to it.My pill has  a half life of like 20 hours so i basically am on it 24/7.I talked to my dad yesterday and he said i think you should sign back up for school and i said i cant right now i need to focus on my health and he said he won’t accept me being on the computer everyday and then i hung up after talking a tiny bit more.I called back and told him I’m going to learn to cook more workout diet get skinny and get over some anxiety and help my schizophrenia and i made a pact with myself i will do this no matter what.I plan to keep my word.Well this is it for today i’ll be back tomorrow.Sometimes i wonder if i’ll not know what to write but when the time comes and i turn on the music i find the words.Everyone have a good day it will probably be daytime by the time you read this where you are.Isn’t it weird that its always light somewhere and dark somewhere else maybe its like that with me too i just came to the realization there is always light when there is darkness funny how things just come to my mind.Anyway enjoy your day or night or whenever you read this.

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