Today was a bit hard

This picture represents me today by how i felt like a monster today and when i do feel like a monster it also just has a certain darkness about it i find appealing.Even though that is tokyo ghoul.So today stated out good i woke up at 1:30 pm and had a normal day but then i got into an argument with my mom ,because she has an ocd about closing doors even if i leave for like 5 seconds so i was getting mad that she would yell at me about that so she almost cried.So i went to my friends house and had a feeling she might lock me out so i took my house key which i never do.Then i left so on my way from a fast food restaurant i came back to see if she locked me out or orginally to see if she was still mad and she locked me out and let me tell you that sparked some rage in me.I was originally calm but i said to my friend sorry somethings gonna start.so i unlocked the door barged in my moms room and yelled at her while she was sleeping waking her not yelling a whole lot ,but i was upset then i left ,but when i left is when that spark stated manifesting into a fire.’m usually a calm guy ,but im insuch a bad mental state it triggered me i called my grandma saying how is so immature it was to lock me out because of not closing a door.After i hung up it got to me worse its like the rage grew i texted my grandma bad messages about my mom saying if she wants to start something i will make it 1000x as worse i was raging but it didnt look like it on the outside.I told her i was going to lock my mom out every time she left for work and hide her stuff and if she locked me out i’d punch out the window i was thinking correctly because of my mental state.I even got really bad thoughts of hurting my mother.This time i was agreeing with the voices “Bitch” “she should die” and my rage just kept growing so i decided i had little will left in me and i said ill take a xanax and a klonopin 2 mg each to calm down.Before it kicked in i was telling my grandma if shit escalates at home im gonna have to call the cops on myself because i was borderline wanting to hurt my mom badly or worse.My grandma told me to just keep talking to my friends and calm down and get my mind off it saying im being immature too earlier and i said i didnt care.I started going from angry to laughing like a crazy person and my friend was trying to help me out i felt like i was going crazy this rage i havent felt in awhile and i think it is because of my mental state usually im calm and mellow because of meds but this time i was going to extremes.After my meds kicked in i left an hour or two later because i can drive onb my anxiety meds and went home my mom and me ended up later talking tings pout since i was in a calm state ,but man did i fel like a monster afterwards I feel like im just getting worse and everything is causing me to snap i dont like it. I hope there are people out there praying for me which my dad tells me there are.I dont know if thats gonna help at all ,but like i said anything that can try and help i welcome it.That’s all im going to say on that.That was scary ,because it did give me a miny flashback of my angry self before when i was debating whether to kill my mom once and it was over a stupid thing and that thing was i wanted to eat and she wanted me to do homework dumb i know right.I ended upcutting heads off all my stuffed animals breaking glass bulbs and throwing it on my floor so my parents would step on it kicked a hole in my wall and slashed my bed with a knife.At least i didn’t get to that point again thank god.I starting to worry about my health more and more but im getting help soon.I’ll still get through this There is always the thought of giving up but i wont.Anyway now im just talking to friends ,but stopped to type this blog  and another thing is my meds are starting to be less sedating now im getting used to the new dose which is good.I hope everyone has a good day today I hate tough days and i want to move out but im a dependent person.My dad has really bad anger problems and my mom is stubborn i dont talk to my brother at all and its all my fault i ruined our relationship ,but the thing is i dont even care enough to try and talk to him again because im gonna do what makes me happy and if i dont talk to him nothing will change and im not gonna just approach him and try and fix things.My parents also argue a lot it doesnt bother me but it makes my brother cry and when he cries i can’t but help but laugh.Like i said i have behavorial problems and voices tell me “crybaby” “loser” .Apparently my brother used to think i wanted to kill him that was before i took meds.I dont know im just a big mess what can i do to change things i dont know but im trying.Everyday seems to get harder ,but ill push through im starting to distance with certain friends again and i dont even care anymore i dont know what my priorities are.I dont even know what i want to do in the future everythings a mess.I will still try and be positive though even though thats so fucking hard.People with depression feel similar things as me too i guess from what my friend told me two days ago ,but still many differences and if i had depression on top of this i honestly dont think i’d be here anymore.It’s a struggle and I dont tell others my problems because first they dont understand second i dont want to push them away third i just dont like tlaking about them and lastly people think you always want attention.My online best friend has a physical illness MS and he suffers a lot.I cant imagine what he is going through and to be honest i never even try to look from other perspectives only my own. Maybe that makes me closed minded but whatever.Why did i have to be born with schizophrenia why couldnt i be normal thats all i want.If i had no problems i could do school no problem and have a job at the same time ,but so many things hold me back.It’s hard and eating me up.I still cant believe my rage hit me so hard today I literally wanted to hurt something or someone and that makes me feel like im getting closer to my old self which scares me the most.I’d rather die then go full crazy.Sorry for the depressing words today it’s just everybody has ups and downs and today was just hard thank you for reading today I appreciate it even if you didnt get through the whole thing as long as someone sees this that will make me feel better if someone knows they aren;t alone with their struggles.Me saying that is also a lie its just an example of how i can sugar coat things i really dont care about how others feel im just a fucking monster anyway and i dont know why life has to be cruel and evryone i seem to know is suffering too. Why does everyone have to suffer and some don’t it’s fucked up like they say god has a reason for evrything ,but whats the reason for me havig this why me suffer what did i do.There i go almost losing faith again.That is all for today i’ll be better tomorrow so don’t worry.

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