Just any ol day

This picture represents the fake smile i show and people think im happy and then me on the inside afraid and alone.Today was a regular day i woke up at 1:30 again and then talked to my online best friend and then later left because another friend was being bothersome.I then tried to play a video game and didnt have any interest in it so i went to my friends house.The whole time i was there i was just hanging out then plans got mixed up and had to bail on someone.Later on i face timed a friend until she had to go.Then my real life friend was telling me he can’t handle stuff anymore i ask whats wrong and he is having trouble with a girl that lives in a city away b,but havent met yet ,because either person can drive to see the other.He told me he couldn’t take it anymore and too me in my head i’m thinking like its’s just a person how could someone worry  over someone like that.I dont have good understanding about that ,but i tried to help him only for him to tell me no one can help him which i feel like it is true no one else can really help you i just dont think it in my mind as a big problem ,but its not my place to judge everyone’s different.It just shows to prove how i don’t understand others but still try and help ,but i do think it is crazy how we all freak out over different stuff and go through different things and no one will know how anyone else feels.Even if we could some people could probably handle it better then others.I feel suffering at all isnt good and shouldn’t happen.To be honest most of the problems people tell me i feel aren’t even bad ,but again who am i to judge how it affects them.I think everyone has problems sometimes whether they admit it or not no one lives a problem free life.Man people coming me with their problems then tell me they are just going to cope with drugs like dont they know its a temporary fix.It really doesnt solve anything in the long run and hurts you.I know people reliant on weed and starting to go to harder drugs which is a bad path and i wont be friends with someone if they get addicted to anything worse then alcohol and weed if they don’t change.I’d never want to do harder drugs even though i tried one twice before in 6th grade.Like what happens when you run out of the drug or your dealer is dry?what are you going to then?Then you will have to face the reality of your problems and you wont be able to handle it so you will become a fiend and do anything to get a drug when alls you have to do is seek medical help sometimes.Some people hate doctors and therapists and psychs they think they just want money which may be true for some but not all.If i never got help i’d probably be in a looney bin.I was even prepared to go to the 51/50 and go into hospitalization.My best friend even said he will do rehab because he wants help he knows its not good for him and the people who dont want help your being weak maybe my friends were right maybe i am strong.Even though i feel as though i never am I heard it from my best friend so it must be true.People just wanna do drugs to forget problems or just get fucked up and dude thats not good in the long run.Some friends evcen tell me they are going to change and quit smoking weed but cant even do that.It might be wrong on my part ,but when people say they are gonna change then just go back to drugs way more then they need or just get stoned to the bone to deal with problems  sorry for you guys but it wont end well and you will need help eventually if not your going on a dark path.Trust me if you need help get help and if you do go to a psych dont lie they just want to help.Back again on this subject i had an old friend accidentally message me because she was hacked and i caught up with her even though in elementary i bullied her.She told me she wants to be a psychiatrist she loves hearing about the mind same with me she has a job helping autistic people right now.She cares about people and i think she would make a great psych thats not in it for the money but to help them with all she has.Then i just hear a voice right now saying shes lying dont listen.Well you know what ill believe what i want and won’t let any voice tell me what to think like that past.I am glad i am where i am now but im still at the age where i should be going to college and i am or i should get a job but it isn’t that easy for me ok.I had to skip this semester ,but ill work on my self the whole time .Other people have problems and alls i think of is my self when people tell me problems ,but i always help still and that is still a mystery to me.Why would i go out of my way to just help someone when i feel nothing towards it.Worlds full of mysteries and my mind is one of them everyones are if you think about it.So many people trust me and want t talk to me about problems ,but in all reality i need to focus on my own i couldn’t care less about yours but ill still help in the meantime.If you dont want to accept what i  have to say thats on you and you get whats coming.Not saying im always right but i mean on obvious stuff that the person freaking out cant see ,because they are freaking out.Some people want to commit suicide for a break up or because their parents are strict when people have depression and schizophrenia and MS.there i go judging again maybe i am judgmental ,but people dont know because i think on every problem people tell me and sometimes i think to myself like are they really crying over this or that ,but some have depression and its just a trigger i dont know i cant understand them so i bet if they could read my thoughts they would be mad or not tell me problems.There is something about people telling me their problems that I like i dont really know what it is but its something it could be that i like hearing personal business or many things i dont even know myself and my mind is seperated.If only everything could connect together and i would know what im thinking or why i do things maybe i just havent found myself.Ehh who knows but again i see how people really are when i tell them one small problem they brush it off some say it’s because they want to take my mind of the subject or they just dont know how to help or they just don’t care well too me it seems like everyone is fake and doesnt care maybe if they ever read this and know its me they can tell me real things about what they think.One thing i noticed i do is I mess around with people so much and i dont even know why it is like a habit maybe it happened to me so much i do it or maybe i like reactions.I know i like reactions because i ask my best friend random what if questions to see his reactions and what he would do and he is the only one who makes faces and tells me what he would do others just say what made you think of that your crazy so thats why i mostly tell my bestfriend.My mom uses the word psychotic a lot even calling me that out of habit ,because its a word she used for so long but she doesnt know ever time she says it to me it makes me feel more like a monster even if she didnt mean it that way.Right now i tell myself i wanna be a doctor or a surgeon or a psych but how am i going to do that with how i am right now thats so much schooling ahead and i have so many problems i always wonder will i make it?I dont even know if thats my passion ,but its helping others and i think that would be good if i was a surgeon though and someone died on me how would i take it i dont know im just thinking so far ahead again.Life is sure one crazy journey and cruel ,but can be giving at times.It is true everyone fights their own demons ,but how to others explain to people about their problems.I didnt even know anything was wrong at first until I finally noticed i was a very angry person and was hearing things and i didnt even know all this wasnt normal.Now that i have been helped a lot let me tell you getting help is better then not ,because if you dont you will have it harder and things might go way wrong later on.This blog is getting a little too long ,but just know if your struggling too please get help dont try to fight it on your own especially if you think you won’t win that can lead to suicide or other bad things.Get the help you need and try to live life the best you can.Just try it out.