Too many burdens

This picture represents how tired I’m getting tired of many things.Today i wanted to say my mental state is just getting worse.It seems like everyone thats not nusy is having problems and i feel like its just making my state worse.Like i have my own problems to worry about I know it may sound selfish but i just need to work on my self and other people wont work o theirs then dont take advice and its like why did i do that.Like seriously everyone i bumming out and getting upset and i just want to take my mind of things and have fun.I can’t have fun when everyone is bumming out ,because they ae going to dwell in their own problems.I literally told my friend when i was mad the other day he told me to not think on because it would get worse so i told him the same thing and he said hes gonna keep thinking about it no matter what.Maybe he cant help it or maybe he wont listen to advice i dont know but im not having fun right now or getting my mind off things and thats all i want ,but i know everythings not all about me and people have problems too.I have other online friends that are having drama all my online friends are falling apart i dont care about that but it cant go back to the old days where I could play with anyone without people disliking the other now i cant invite certain people to games when im with another person.Come on man i just wanna get my mind of things and enjoy something ,but im just being brought down.Maybe its just thoughts overflowing in me.Maybe im overthinking I don’t even know what im thinking  or what i feel its all disconnected i dont know i really dont.I was expecting a call today about my partial hospitalization ,but i havent got it yet when she was supposed to be back today.I got her number so ill call tomorrow and see whats going to happen.Man one thing i ntoiced is i get bothered by other people and get annoyed at them like even if its none of my business and  my mom does something i dont like or annoys me i let it get to me.I guess i am judgmental on the inside ,because i have thoughts about everything everyone does.Doesn’t mean i think bad thinks just i have an opinion on everything.I remember i asked another person what is love and they said when you go through stuff together through all the bullshit .Then i said ,”Well what if i was with them and didnt have a connection with them but put all my effort in “.He said it didn’t count it has to go both ways  then i told him “What if someone has little empathy and they just want to feel that love with someone they felt like they havent gotten and they put all their effort to try and make that connection and did everything in their power to make a connection ,because thats how i feel.”.He told me then it does count but left it at that .Now my question is was he telling me it count because i said something different or the fact that i mentioned someone with mental illness has a harder time doing it or because i said thats how i feel.was he just trying to make me feel better or what or was he telling the truth.I’ll never know ,but that’s fine it doesn’t matter what others think love is ill find out love in my own way ,but i still like asking others what they think it is and everyone has a different answer.It almost seems like people don’t even know what love is  maybe it’s just some made up word to make others feel better then being liked it is a stronger word i know ,but i know some people say it when they dont mean it including me.Maybee everyone just has their own definition of love but not a full one ,because i think if there is a real meaning of love it would have paragraphs behind what it means.If it is that strong of a word then why can people only use small sentences to describe it and they dont even make sense.One person i asked made that her facebook status after i asked her what is love and people  mostly made jokes like they dont even know themselves.Maybe love is a lie.Everything can be a lie.I know for a fact everyone lies ,but its to what extent they lie about.I also had a conversation late night one night one guy i know said he thinks hypothetically if people had telapathy that people would understand each other completely.I arued that no it would be a bad idea ,because everyones deepest darkest secrets would be unveiled people with mental illness that others didnt know about they would read their minds and think what a crazy person.We have private stuff in our mind for a reason we don’t want everyone to know our thoughts and understand each other it would make things worse.Anyway it was a good late night 3 am conversation. Life is crazy people dont even know what they want or think and i don’t understand how people dont know their own actions or feelings ,but i cant say anything i dont understand my own.I contradict myself so much i dont even know what im saying half the time ,but this is what my mind is like confused and randomly thinking things.I have such bizzare things i think and disorganized thoughts.I do wonder why life is the way it is sometimes ,but some things can be beautiful. That’s why i still like looking at aesthetic photos or nature photos or cool looking photos.What is something that can truly make me happy though? Hopefully one day ill find out. I just want to be a happy person not worrying about problems.I’m not even depressed it’s just these problems that i have ignored so long are taking a toll on me as i slowly deteriorate. Can you see why i feel like its a burden to hear everyone.s problems when i have my own.Maybe everyone wants to be heard like me except i don’t like telling those i know my problems and trust me when i say that I more open on this bog then i am with anything even my therapist and i would tell my therapist this stuff but i cant remember it all and i can only write like this when im alone thinking.Life is an obstacle one that can be overcome ,but i understand how hard it is to overcome things.I shouldn’t judge peoples problems less then mine ,but maybe im just a selfish person.I dont know.I just don’t know anymore.I feel like a burden to others i feel like im holding to many burdens it’s just how i feel.Thanks for reading today and have a nice day .

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