Been a little while

This picture represents many things trying to grab me like the voices or friends or even myself trying to pull my self out of the abyss at times.I haven’t posted in a couple days I have been trying to focus on things.I decided to drink with a friend today i did like 6 shots in 30 minutes and so did my friend, but i ended up for some reason not getting drunk while he was really drunk.Today was a usual day ,but my friend gets depressed and sad when he drinks.So we walked to meet him and it was so hot i wasn’t having fun and walked home.My friend called me 5 minutes after i got home and was chugging down drinks because of the heat and told me he was on his way to my house.I wasn’t even drunk ,but he was and i wanted  my alone time ,but he was only 2 minutes away so i said ok .Next thing you know he comes in with my parents ,because they got back from dinner and my dad dropped me off back at his house later.When i got to his house he kept passing out being depressed and not feeling well headache too.I kept saying im going to leave ,but he told me to stay so i did for awhile till he was talking about wanting to die and stuff. Theres two parts of me that fight in myself three if you include voices.Part of me wanted to help him out the other part of me wanted to leave ,because i was annoyed and i told a friend to message him ,because he isnt doing well.So i left and said i left ,because i wanted him to take a nap and feel better when the real reason was i was annoyed hearing him talking about i cant take this anymore and not saying everything.I get it he might want to keep some stuff to himself ,but i can’t help ,but feel annoyed.I also hear things too like leave him who cares about him.I decided to leave him for now and go back at 11 tonight.I don’t know it just makes me not wanna drink with him anymore or anyone else for that matter.I hate the fact people want drugs to numb stuff or cope with problems ,but who am i to talk i take xanax for anxiety and some meds for pain.I think the difference is i use them when i need it and they just want to numb the pain.Forget their problems I don’t know i face my problems head on everyday.I don’t even know what im saying anymore.I like to deal with things and do things by myself.My therapist told me she thinks i do care about things ,but i have a disconnect in my mind.she didnt say it exactly like that but thats what i think she said.I think it could be true ,because i help people a lot and i dont view it as caring because i just think it is the right thing to do.Maybe i do actually care though ,but there are some things i know i don’t care about and others it might be a disconnect ,but i dont think i feel that ,but how do i know its just foreign to me.Also when my friend was talking about dying I heard a voice say then die.I mustered that thought in my head and thought about it.Should i just stop helping people and tell them do what they want ,because i almost wanted to say it right there.If you want to die then do it if your too scared the thats on you.People think im so kind hearted ,but i fight two parts of my self my nice self and my self that has bad thoughts i think that could also be the side of me agreeing with my voices.It is like a battle all the time in my mind. I’m so disconnected from everything i don’t know what is what anymore.Just wish i could be normal i can’t even imagine what thats like being a total different person.I like who I am ,but who I am is a lie i don’t even know myself everything is foreign.Why do things have to be hard I mean i know there are hard things in life for everyone ,but why make things even harder on me is there a reason?Another thing is I said i would quit weed ,but i took a hit last night and although i wish i hadn’t  the hit i took didn’t make me trip out with my schizophrenia this time.It was making me think is this stuff even working so i took two more hits of wax (concentrated thc) and realized it is working ,but my eyes just feel alittle weight on them and im relaxed.It was weird to not trip out ,because it happens 98% of the time so it was weird but im not gonna start again.Drinking and weed aren’t really that fun i dont know why people do it everyday.Maybe to escape problems like i hear my friends say it numbs the problems.Another thing is i was up at 2 AM last night and my friend in the car with me told me that when i go out i shouldnt automatically take a xanax or klonopin before I know if i”ll be anxious ,because I dont need it all the time and she is right maybe i can tough some things out.She also said what if i talked to a girl and forgot what i said to her.Thats where i think her logic is flawed ,because one. I already forget alot of things because my anti-psycotics and schizophrenia and 2.I never take an amount i wont remember things on.I once did an experiment on myself which is bad but i took 2 2mg xanax bars and 2 2 mg klonopins to see if i’d black out and i didn’t ,but dont worry i wont try something like that again in fact the thought of blacking out scares me.Not knowing what happened when you still did stuff Not a cool thought . I have only blacked out a couple times when i first took the meds and had no tolerance. I can’t always remember stuff i always forget things mid sentence.If one thing is said and i lose focus i forget.I have so many appointments lined up and a wedding to go to i dont keep track of when everything is.I don’t really want to think of it either it is a lot to bear right now.I will be getting probably like 2 calls on monday and i have to check on my liver because i have a cyst that keeps growing and if it keeps getting bigger there will be a surgery. I don’t think anything can save me really ,but i do want to succeed in life and not be known as a nobody ,but at the same time my other self says who cares give up.I will not listen to that i will fight with my mind and win that one at least even if i cant’t win every fight.At least i tried.It just sucks fighting two minds.Anyway sorry for not posting in a couple days I will post more again.Thank you for reading.

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