Divided

This picture represents me all the time.Think about this picture as the light blue is me my normal self ,the dark blue is the voices and the person in between the two is my third side which doesnt know which to believe the voices where sometimes i agree with them and me who knows right.It is a struggle a bad one I feel like such a monster right now why can’t this end it’s eating me up so bad help someone.Forget it i can fight this my own like i always have.It is just so hard to deal with what if there is nothing that can help me what if im like this and i get worse by the day.Fuck that this is hell im struggling and i need outside help ,but ill never talk to anyone that knows me about this other then my therapist and maybe a friend.What happened today was my friend put up a watch thing so we could watch vids together and put up vigilanties catching predators.Then my family friends son sent me a snapchat and it was just his face and hes alittle off you know but I know him very well hes a nice person ,but then when i saw the picture i heard in my head a voice saying “future predator” and that sucks ,because remember how i told you there are 3 sides of me the voices the regular side that knows what is right then the in between where sometimes i agree with them or think on it.Like when i heard future predator about my family friend’s son I started thinking with it like what 9if he is one or  becomes one,then my regular mind thinks what the fuck is wrong with you he is nice why am i thinking along with it.Thats what i meant by the three sides and it is eating me up ,because he is a nice person and he is like 16 ,but fuck my mind for hearing this shit all the time.After that happened and i was talking seriously to a friend a person video called me on my phone and I instantly put on a smile and talked and joked around then used my joke to hang up and make it look like i was messing around when really i just wanted to hang up.Right after the call I instantly went to a serious face again and thought to myself this is what a mask is this actually what it is in the moment.I do it so much without realizing ,but this time i knew I did  it.I can realize all these things and know whats right ,but it is hard when you hear the opposite or people think your always fine ,but if they read my thoughts and feelings they would freak out.I can’t wait to do the partial hospitalization for help I thought they were going to call today ,but they didnt.Its ok though they will call I have to much anxiety to call back myself  ,but i need the help like right now ,but then im fighting with my other sides about it so its an internal struggle. I’m having conflict in my mind ,but alls i know is i want and need help.God I believe in you so please stop this or get me help what am I being tested on why is this happening to me why can’t it stop.At least i’m not like back then when i used to be real demented that is all i care about right now.I don’t want another psychosis or an old me.You know I always say this ,but life is cruel and i don’t know what to do anymore i am sedated from my meds and forget things and stuff .The song i listened to right now just ended with static on lofi radio and thats how I feel right now like static.Just rumbling noises to drown out what i hear.Small tings that don’t scare regular people make me jump and get scared and things such as conspiracy theories can trigger me to get paranoid and freak out easily.Yesterday I woke up at 2 Pm and had a headache so i tried to go to sleep at 6:30 ,but i couldnt sleep because my head hurt probably from oversleeping ,so i took an ambien, a benadryl , and my antipsychotic meds. I went to sleep at 7 real quick and woke up at 8 am this morning which means i was only concious for 5 hours that day.I just want to feel alive and normal instead of a monster and alone.I am not depressed even if it sounds like it trust me it is just my struggles that are hard to deal with that get at me.Everyone thinks i’m fine and im not which is the funny part only now have my family heard my struggles and my friends still dont really know anything other then 2.This is all for today I need some time to myself i can’t write anymore today ,alls i want to say is thanks for reading if you are and know if your struggling get help please ,because letting yourself drown in your own problems will be your demise ,your downfall, and most of all your regret.Who knows you might end up wanting to kill yourself and do it when in reality if you would of spoken up and gotten help you would be alive today.Don’t be afraid to take pills for help if you need it then you need it ,you need to do whatever helps you even if you don’t think you can help yourself you can trust me.Thank you.

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