Flip of a Switch

This picture represnts voices I hear and how i want them gone  enough said.I was talking to a friend yesterday and I asked why i was the center of jokes with people and she told me it was ,because I am an easy going person and i laugh along at least for them thats how they feel.I thought it was because i was vulnerable.I am not bothered by it I just wondered.The next thing she told me was that I dont need to care about peoples problems to help i still have morals and I help good ,because we talked about both our problems.I just wanted to say that stuff i’d say more on it ,but i am very pissed right now you can say the voices and my thoughts are thinking together right now and it is hard to push them away it is like im letting them in.My dad took my credit card away just ,because i spent a little too much on food and he wants me to eat at home now.I know this sounds stupid of me ,but I was even angry then i started hearing some voice tell me “fuck him” “Bitch” “he should die” and other things and my mind is thinking with it and it feels like a thing that is going to escalate I keep overthinking it yeah i know it is his money ,but it pisses me off for some reason afterwards i wasn’t even angry at first.Someones calling me i don’t want to answer it right now I want to be left alone.My anger is slowly rising the best thing to do is take an anxiety med right now ,but ill only do that if it gets worse.This is what i mean by three sides of me and the moral nice side isn’t winning.I’m already thinking thoughts of hurting my dad and making multiple scenarios in my head.Like a flip of a switch i switch how I’m thinking when i agree with what i hear.Fuck him he is a piece of shit anyway who fucking yells at my mom he doesn’t deserve to live fuck him hes scum on this earth.I piece of nothing I’m even wishing he was dead in an accident right now.I’m letting the things overflow my mind and it isn’t good I can take an anxiety med and i will after i write this to calm down ,but i want you to know what im thinking and how things are for me.I dont give a fuck if i’m taking things for granite  ,but I dont care kill me then bitch fuck you.He has problems himself I could swear he has bi polar but he wont get help and i shouldnt let things bother me ,but i dont care it bothers me by what people do.Sure you have provided me a home and a good life ,but you treat people like scum you fuck get ahold of yourself and you get help like im trying to do. I remember once my dad put his hands around my throat when i was younger i was like 14 it was because i told my brother to shut up and another time when he was twisting me ear because i cant stop laughing ,because  my bizzare beahavior i can’t help and when i called the cops you told them i was insane and had schizophrenia so they wouldnt listen to me fuck you for all that and not understanding shit you even got arrested once and got your gun taken away for domestic violence i was too young then so i don’t know what really happened but fuck you.Fuck you.Fuck you.I iwsh i could watch you suffer for awhile that would give e a good laugh you fucking scum.Isn’t it funny that all this is because i think on stuff that i hear i’m in an internal rage right now with a blank face ,but theres a fire in me.It hasnt gotten to the point where I am actually going to do anything these are just my thoughts ,but my dad yells at my mom so much and all I ever do is ignore it ,but hes a fucking piece of shit you talk about anything he just keeps yelling don’t you understand how could someone deal with that.If he ever sees this one day i don’t give a fuck if it hurts you I cant wait for the day i never see you again.Once i can get on my own feet.He pays for my college and gives me a car ,but i dont care let it all burn in flames theres just an empty spot for you deep down.And if you confronted him with all this he would deny it to everyone he won’t own up to anything.You at this moment think i love you think i am fine in my room but im not.I don’t really love anyone anyway ,but it doesnt mean i dont have anger towards someone thats something i do feel anger. I don’t even know whats going on im just losing it I’m listening to a song and for some reason it is pissing me off more here it is.

I hate life I hate everything fuck life fuck everyone.I am still imagining so many demented scenarios of my dad right now.It won’t stop ,but i dont care let it run in my mind and add more fuel to the fire.I am going to take an anxiety med now .At least i have some rationality.I fucking hate that anger builds up to a boiling point ,but it wasnt as bad as it was with my mom so im going to stop it now.Thats all for today.

UPDATE:I am calm now and i didn’t mean to say all that that was just me getting lost in myself so don’t worry im calm now thats just what happens when my anger builds.I regret saying that not really but ill say i do.

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