I don’t understand

This picture represents me by how i feel i’m disconnected from everyone and i feel far out fr many reasons.I wanted to say sorry for my outburst the other day i just wanted to write what its like when i was angry before it turned bad I ended up taking an anxiety med and calmed down.I have no anger at all for my dad or anything right now.I want to talk about something that just happened right now the bast hour.So i am addicted to a video game and earlier my two friends were watching videos together and i didn’t like watching them so i went to play the moba.I came back and my best friend was telling me I always ditch him for that game and then i felt like i was being attacked.It could of been the way he was talking or I don’t know but i also was fustarated ,because he brings that up a lot.I don’t feel like I am ditching anyone ,but too my friends they feel like they are being left out they said.So for the first 15 minutes i felt like they were just attacking me then things were calming down and my real life friend was telling me a bunch of stuff that I don’t really understand and to be honest I cant remember all of it either.If you asked me one thing he said I’ll say he told me to set small goals because thats the last thing he said.Both of them were talking to me for awhile and they were telling me stuff from their perspectives ,but the thing is no matter how they try to show me what they think or to view it from their perspective I don’t see it.I can’t see from others perspectives.They can tell me all this stuff constantly I still don’t know what they mean alls i know is I feel like I didn’t do anything wrong.My best friend said I said that he takes up all my time or that I implied it and it makes him question what he is to me.The truth is I don’t know what anyone is to m I usually just do stuff for my sake and I can drop friends like nothing.I hope people can understand i can’t help how I am ,but i don’t think they can understand.It really just makes me think I am a bad friend it doesn’t bother me much ,but I don’t know what people mean to me like i said I think it is just entertainment or fun.My friends view me in a really good way and they said if they didn’t care about me they wouldn’t try to help me and would do their thing.I don’t feel the same though I don’t feel the connections I still enjoy talking with them it is just I don’t even know what a true friend means then i guess.Why should they care about me when I don”t feel it back I can see they are bothered ,but I still feel like i’m just doing what I usually do i don’t see any problems.I don’t understand i really don’t.I am really under the influence of a xanax right now and night meds ,but I just don’t know what I think is i try to split time up between things ,but my friends want to join me with other friends and I just don’t like mixing friends ,because i know different things will happen so not worth I like being the way I am with all my other friend groups.I do act differently with other people ,but maybe thats a reason why I don’t like mixing friend groups.They also said instead of leaving to play with other friends i could of invited them with just them thats true ,but i didn’t think of it.Like i said before if other people think it is hard to be friends with someone with mental illness it is harder for the them to be your friend.I think it is true to the sense in I find it hard to be friends with people b,because i want to do things on my own and like doing things by myself since I feel alone anyway ,but it takes a toll with my friends.I can’t help how I am I feel like it is hard for them to be my friend though ,because i don’t understand how they feel when they tell me the problem I just don’t think anything of it ,because I think there is no problem you know.I just wanted to wrap this up saying I don’t know i want to give up sometimes ,because my friends always address problems but i never understand and it could be ruinging things with them.I did snap at them earlier ,because i thought they were attacking me about me ditching them which I feel I don’t i just want to play.I want to have fun ,but i guess for friends to work out you have to pout effort with all of them.They always ask me if i want to play games with them and i always decline.I am not interested in other games and thats where they say i am addicted.I just wanted to wrap on by saying i don’t really know what to do ,but i’ll figure it out hopefully.

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