Cigarette

This picture represents me also in multiple ways like me without a mask on and just seeing darkness in myself or the voices representation even though it would look a lot worse then that.Today was good yesterday I was drinking alcohol I stopped counting how many shots i had but i finished the rest of my tequila.I then was having fun singing songs and having fun with online friends for a long time then out of nowhere my internet went out for only my computer.I was drunk so I didn’t have the time to fix it and I didn’t want to sleep so i called one of my friends and asked if i could walk over he had his gf come pick me up.I said thanks and we were hanging out and when we hung out i got a call from his other friend that im friends with too.He asked me to go bowling with him and others because i said i wanted to go out more.I told him i couldn’t because i just got to my friends house and i wasn’t going to ditch him.He said its ok we can all hang out tuesday.I then wanted to get my car and bring it back so i could drive home when i was sober ,so we walked to my house which is really close like a 7 minute walk or 10. 2 by car.I wasn’t sure if i was sober at this point or if i was fine while we were walking and I realized i was still somewhat drunk ,but by the end of the time I got to my house i felt sober and ate food at my house.Then i decided to drive back to my friends so i could leave at 2 or 3 am back home ,because i didn’t want to spend the night.I drove back fine I felt so ber but i probably would of still gotten a DUi if caught.When we were at his house he was upset his own friend didn’t invite him too who i met through him.I also told him someone i know doesnt like his music.He said he doesn’t care about what people think of him ,but i know that’s not true he kept hinting I hate this town , Everyones fake, and I don’t even know who my real friends are.He even started saying I bet you don’t like listening to my music.So he is self doubting himself and he does care about what others think he likes affection he likes to have somebody.At one point he put his hand out like he was going to shake my hand so i put my hand out and he grabbed it pulled me in closer and looked me dead in the eyes and said “If i don’t have anything done in my life by 25 I am going to kill myself” he said it three times i tried looking away ,because i don’t like eye contact.I think he is strong and he does have problems ,but he can egt through them.He tells me he wants to prove everyone wrong ,because some people have said he is a no life who doesn’t have even a license yet.I know he can figure it out.My response was a weird one I basically told him i saw this video about how a girl commited suicide because she found out she had ms and didn’t want to live with it .Then her friend made a video saying if someone truly isn’t happy on this earth why should they stay and suffer and bare the burden while others just want their company.Its like i was telling him suicide wasn’t bad.I don’t know.I wouldn’t care if he did it.Others would ,but i didn’t try to talk someone out of it for once it felt like i was kind of saying its ok to do it I don’t know if that made him think something worse or not ,but its whatever.I went home at 2 AM and went to my online best friend.He then was telling me about a lot of stuff but was almost like yelling and for an hour and a half was talking about how my real life friend uses me and I can’t get it through my thick fucking skull.I understand he cares for me not really i don’t really understand why he does or what its like really but he was asking me why would i get this angry over nothing why would i waste my breath.He hasn’t lied to me ,but i don’t feel like he is using me at least not anymore ,because i don’t give him stuff and we have a lot of days where we just hangout in his room.That night ended with me saying something and silence as dead as night till i said im going to bed soon.Then i asked him how come your up so late it was 3 am by this point.He said Night.I just said goodnight back and stayed in call for a little while longer wondering if he thought i was saying i was going to bed or he was pissed at me and told me night to fuck off.I then hung up and went to sleep.I woke up and didn’t see his apology till later.I wasn’t even mad and forgot about most of the stuff the next morning I just had anxiety that he would still be mad this morning and i talked to another friend about it.Sometimes life is like a cigarette you start off whole then slowly shine bright till your gone and burn out.Addicted to the beautiful adventures then when you realize life isn’t good at some points you can’t quit looking for the good.Sometimes wishing some things would be the last like my voices i wish it was the last day i heard them.My friend sent me a song and it for some reason gives me spine chills at certain parts.I don’t know why ,but it just does this is the song.

It is about love ,but gives me spine chills and it is a part of the reason I named this blog cigarette.I don’t know why this song just has something to it that gives me chills I can’t explain it.The rest of the day was normal for me and now it is nighttime almost about 8 PM.My mind is pretty blank right now so I don’t know how i’m typing all of this.The writing just comes to me as I listen to Lofi Radio.I know everyone i talk to in some way or form has problems.Also there is the fact everyone trusts me with them too.Should i care people trust me enough to tell me their deepest problems?Do i deserve their trust?I don’t know.Another thing is the partial hospitalization people haven’t called yet.I am still too anxious to call them back ,but i will and another thing is it i s a 3 week non stop program and I have a trip in september and I am thinking ill go after that trip.I think this trip would help me a lot I found out another online friend is going to fly out to him too and 3 of us have never met ,but we are all going to at the same time.I will also be flying by myself for the first time I am trying to do a lot of things for the better.Soon I will eat healthy and break anxiety barriers make new friends and maybe a partner.I should be excited ,but i still feel empty about it like I just get worrying thoughts and feel like I don’t even wanna really do this ,but you know what im going to do not listen to that side of me I am going to push through for the better whether I like it or not.This is for the better and I bet i’ll have some joy if i don’t i’ll still act like I am ,but i bet i will be feeling some sort of way.Even they said I don’t have to wear a mask around them and if i have any anxiety or problems tell them.They are there for me ,but the thing is I’m so used to wearing a mask how would i just take it off and show myself.It is like the mask i wear is a part of me now .I think i will be happy about flying out though and if i’m not I’ll still be the same as if i did ,because this is for the better and if it helps me then I do it.though i can’t say that about everything.Thank you for reading todays blog.Here are two other songs that have good vibes and how i feel like sort of.My friend when i showed he the teenage blue song said it is a song you could cry too and let your emotions out to.I think it is a happy song I guess it is how you perceive it.The song after that melting is also  really good.I don’t really pay attention to the lyrics i just like the sound.Well here you go.

and the last song

I think I will listen to these songs the next time I write.

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