Todays picture doesn’t have a meaning other then beauty.So I have been gone for awhile and it was ,because i was on a 5250.Which means i was on a 14 day hold where i started out in the hospital then went to a psych ward.I didn’t go because of suicde i went because i was a harm to others.More specifically my parents.Let me say how this started.So over the weeks my mental state has been declining and on this particular day I happened to be fine most the day but my mental state was unstable.My mom asked me to drive her to different newspaper outlets and after i got done with 3 she said theres one more and i told her im not doing it.So when we got home she drove drunk to the last place and risked a DUI to get a newspaper.Then when we got home my mom and dad started arguing over who didnt do this and didnt do that.I don’t usually get upset ,but this day hearing about what they were fighting about I got angry a little at first ,but like i said it turns into a burning flame later.So when the flame got bigger later I messaged my friends that my parents should day ,then called my psychiatrist saying im thinking of harming them which i was.then I messaged a friend to come talk to me that night he said he would come.I even think my last blog post is one of the last things i wrote before going on the 5250.I had my door locked ,because i was upset then my dad knocked on the door and said goodnight so i said it back ,but not in a happy tune.He told me to open the door and I said leave me alone I then heard my dad close a door and went to take a xanax to calm down.I went back into my room and I was on skype telling my friends im not doing well.Next thing you know my dad bangs on the door says open the door loudly and I decide ok I’ll open the door.He then threw papers at my face and said do this shit yourself.I thought i had a screw loose already ,but no I snapped at this point.I was hearing voices and had a blood urge.I wanted both them dead i snapped.I had a small amount of rationality in me still so I called the cops on myself before I went crazy.As I was on the phone with the police my dad was sliding papers under my door and left then I told the police I was going to hurt my parents and I needed to go outside.He told me stay in your room i said no I’m going outside and I was thinking of grabbing my tanto knife and if i saw my dad out there I was going to stat stabbing and fighting.The dispatch convinced me to run outside real quick so i did and then I was flipping out .I was saying they need to die fuck them they are pieces of shit and worthless scum.They kept assuring me the police were on the way and around the corner ,but it felt like it had been 20 minutes already.Next thing I know i see the police and they say are you brent I say yes and they start talking to me.They ask me if there are weapons in the jhouse i say my dad has a shotgun and I have knifes in my room.They knock on the door and someone opened The cops kept talking to me ,but i couldnt think straight I had lost my mind.Eventually as they were talking to me I stopped hyperventilating and then i see my mom walk out and a sudden blood lust and anger came back just like that.I clenched my fist started pacing back and forth and told the police dont let her come near me as she was walking closer.they stood between me and her she was crying ,but i didn’t care I kept freaking out so they told me to walk over to the other side of the police car.They then handcuffed me and put me in it.Four cop cars were here by this time and when i was in the cop care in was so uncomfortable to sit in.I got to the hospital still dazed and out of my mind.I was also barefoot and they brought me socks.They put me in a cell and had a security guard watch over me and i had to be escorted to the bathroom everytime.So for two days I was in my cities hospital and doing nothing ,but be in bed and then the second day my grandma visited and I found out I was going to a psych ward 3 and a half hours away.So my grandma askd my mom to bring some stuff to the ER waiting room.I was walking to the bathroom when I saw my mom enter when she wasn’t allowed to visit because she came in through the back ,because she is a nurse too that works there.I freaked out and went back to the cell.Later that day at 7 PM the ambulance came to pick me up and take me to the psych ward.I started my 3 and a half hour ride to the psych ward which only felt like a 1 hour drive from all the talking i did.During the ride I talked to the emt lady in the back with me and found out she was 20 just like me and it was actually her first shift as an emt.I talked to her about it and decided I wanted to be an emt for medical experience.We got there and i was checked for lice and and questioned intensely.After everything was done it was 12:35 and I went to my room I had a roommate named clay.I woke up the next morning at 6:30 and went to the waiting room in the 200 unit which is the unit I was in and the unit where the most delusional and violent people went.I didn’t know that at the time ,but a girl came up to me and talked to me she seemed normal at first.and said I seemed like a chill guy next thing you know we  are watching the news and it said a girl died after 3 days missing and the melissa girl I talked to earlier said I know what happened to her ,but I’m not going to talk about it.I thought at first like ok maybe she knows who that is or something little did i remember that I was in a psych ward.She then said I am that girl that died and that chris brown was trying to kill her.She was very delusional.She would always say stuff and it would make zero sense thats when it dawned on me I was actually in  psych hospital.My roommate clay  would rap and said he was with little peep when he died and I was thinking in my mind I am in a looney bin.Then there was a gorup meeting where we were talking and I told the social worker in the group therapy My friends think I am always ditching them and then the melissa girl blurted out “It’s because they miss you I miss you!Why don’t you ever take me to football games and spend time with me!”I had an anxiety attack so I left the room and she was crying ad as I am in the hallway Theres this girl yelling in the hallway talking to herself cussing at everyone.By the time its was 6 PM I told the people can I get out of this unit please.They saw all calm and collective I was so they said sure.I was then oved out by 8 Pm to the 400 unit.I woke up at 6 AM again and met a guy who i’ll call sarge.sarge said hey whats up where you from I told him my city said how i got here and then said I just came from 200.He jokingly said outloud everybody watch out he is from 200.He became my roommate.Over the course of 3 days I grew in a dad son realitonship with this man sarge.His nickname was sarge because he was an ex cop by the way.The 400 unit was for some acute people and suicde people.It was at this unit I was prescribed my klonopin for anxiety.At first they wouldnt give it to me.Then I freaked out and they did and my psych told them to let me have it when i request.The couple days I was in that unit I had cabin fever and felt like this place was meant to make me go crazy and I wanted to flip out and start yelling ,but then I took an anxiety med and calmed down.I finally got cleared to go out and go to art and outside.The orange juice there was almost  like brown and I was paranoid thinking it was poisoned or drugged.They upped my meds by a shit ton and after the first day I felt so sedated I isolated myself and stopped going to groups for 2 days.Another day this one guy was freaking out so bad that security came and had to give him a shot and sent him to 200.Whenever I went to lunch breakfast or dinner. The kids came in after us and I would stare them down every single time for some reason.The sarge guy was so messed up on meds that he was couldn’t drink water right I laughed a lot and he could sleep in the blink of an eye.My grandma and mom visited me one day and brought money and books.They also had sarge on like 5 meds like seroquel,risperdal,lithium,thorazine, and something else.He even said he was seeing tracers haha.Slowly the people I talked to and became friends with were getting discharged.Then one day a girl named jecssica came in one night while I was sleeping to unit 400.I went into the waiting room that morning and she stared me down.She did a lot of hand movements and I could tell she was delusional.The one problem I had with her is she walked into my room and everyones room a lot at night or during the day.I once heard my door open two times in 10 minutes and I knew that the staff check on you every 15 minutes ,but i thought she was in my room so I slowly walked to the bathroom and slided the curtain and turned the light on didn’t see her.I then opened the other curtain and felt relief when I saw she wasn’t there.One day I found a note in my room and it was a heart on a paper drawn with the words love in the middle and I knew right away it was jessica.I had to go into this thing called the quiet room a lot wqhere it was an echoing room and I would sing myself songs  ,but oddly I couldn’t remember all the lyrics to not one song.My friends would call me and play music over the phone for me and other stuff I really enjoyed it.I heard a lot of reasons why people were there in the psych ward  ,but one guy told me no matter what he will end his own life because he has no control over anything else so he will have control over his death thats the one thing he will have control over.Other peoples reasons for being here were crazy.One night there was even sexual harassment where an old guy pulled a women into his room and tried to forcibly kiss her.I had enough of this unit and luckily they told me they were gonna move me to 100 unit which is the calmest unit and your hand chosen to be there.It is for people who are ready to leave.I was told I had one rule and that was to attend every group.The groups for this unit were the best everyone opened up unlike the others.One girl came here because she wanted to die after she fell asleep with her 5 week old baby and the baby suffocated and she woke up to it dead.Soon after being in unit 100 I was on my last day there and going to be picked up at 4 PM.That day was the slowest day ever and I was happy so much through half the day.My best friend and grandma were coming to get me.I was told halfway through they day by my third psych there that they were keeping all my xanax and klonopin and not returning it to me this brought my day from a 10 to a 3.After I was picked up I was so happy.When I got home my dad and brother both hugged me and my brother has never hugged me before so I was shocked.My cousin talked to me on facebook and everything was better the meds knocked away the voices and my bizzare thinking for the most part.

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