Moving on

This picture represents the darkness i feel and it has matured while the light in me is still young but getting there.This week my friend got very suicidal and I was being a bad friend ,because he said he need a friend and i told him i had other plans.If i was being a good friend i would of went over right away or called the cops.When i was at the gym with my brother I had 3 people tell me to go hang out with him because they were all at work.So i left the gym early and went to help him.I started an out patient program now and i have to go from monday to friday from 9 am to 3 pm.It is an hour drive from home so im staying at my grandmas house so its only 30 minutes.Everyone in group is very nice but for some reason I dont feel i relate a lot to them because most have depression and i dont have that.I honestly don’t know if group will actually help me or not.If it doesnt i’ll just cancel it sooner I will give this week a try or try and stick through it maybe.I have been going to another friends house recently and been hanging out with a couple girls at night.I actually think one of them are really cute ,but the bad part is they have a boyfriend which sucks but hey its fine.Last night I spent the night and smoked weed for the first time in like a month or two and didnt hallucinate ,but i was so couch locked i couldnt talk I was just super high beyond belief.Either way I still enjoy my time with them and it is funny because its my best friends house and roomates and my other bestfriends friend knows  the girl I think is cute so it is like a circle of friends.I am making more and more each day and having fun.They asked if I wanted to come to the halloween party and i said yes.I’ll be drinking that night it will be fun.My bestfriend will be there too getting drunk and the girl told me hes really funny when hes drunk.She told me he was trying to fight everyone last time and that it was his first time getting drunk and it was at his afterparty at the wedding which i left early because i got nausous.Alls i know is I am enjoying things.Everyone is really talkative.When i smoked last night I could of sworn I saw the one girl and the other girl look at each other and make a head motion towards me.I dont know if i was just being paranoid or what ,but i could of sworn they were whispering too at certain points.Overall though I want to hang out with them more and more I just enjoy the time.This morning I told my bestfriend that i thought she was cute and he was joking with me ,but he wont say anything.When i am in this outpatient program I am not supposed to drink or smoke but i think a little doesnt hurt.Thats all for today my blog today is shorter then usual but i just wanted to have an update on things today.I am doing way better then before so i still don’t know if I need to do group because i dont feel like im getting help quite yet but i like talking about things.There is always a question at the end of groups and it says who in the gorup did something you appreciated and what was it.I always leave it blank because I’d be lying if i said i appreciated anything ,because I have lack of empathy and I don’t feel anything towards anyone elses problems thats another reason i feel like it is’t helping me.They are also dealing with depression and I am dealing with schizophrenia so it is two seperate things and I don’t see how it is going to help me ,but ill give it till the end of this week.Thanks for reading today and have a good day!

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