Black and white

This picture represents me in how I feel like i am a bad friend and slowly hanging out less with my friend and don’t know how to divide up my time.This picture relates to me right now.Over the days I have been doing group therapy and im getting discharged tomorrow and I am happy about it ,but i really like group it is just not helping me in the way i thought it would.Anyways I have friends in real life online and in between that want me to spend time and i just can’t do it.I feel like im slowly losing them ,but it is whatever because it is just how I am.Even my group said I have to set boundries when my friend expects me to be in a call for like 4-6 hours when i have other friends to hang with.They also said I can’t please everyone which is true ,but yet i still try to.Sometimes i message my online best friend and tell him to tell me when he gets on just because he said the other day i don’t message him when in reality I wanted to be alone and end up not talking.Today I left the skype call like 4-5 times wanting to do other stuff and when i left to talk to a friend i haven’t seen in awhile he messaged me and said a whole lecture on me.I am tired of it and one of my real life best friends wants to hang out and calls me and i just tell him im “chillin”.Then shortly after we hang up.It is just stressful that everyone is bothering me I just like being alone.I like playing my own games i like doing my own things i dont need others to take my time all the time.I have one question to ask myself why am I still trying to please myself and why is everything so black and white.Am i truly happy, what am i doing with my time , I’m just getting lost ,is it the meds making me feel more serious ,what is it i dont know.I dont know what to do I feel blank most of the time lately spending all my time doing stuff and on my free time everyone tries taking it up like come on let me do me.That being said i am not going to let others control me and i will do me.I gave my blog to one person secretly in my group therapy and I dont really know why but i trust her.I hope she can read it and see how things are she is really nice and helpful.I still have mixed thoughts about leaving group but overall it isnt really helping me.They are nice people and they have tried to help me to their best ability and I got over my fear of driving to there its an hour away.I think after i get out im going to go to the gym everyday and work out with my brother.I still wonder what i need to find happiness.It’s like i don’t even know what that is anymore.I’ll find it though I just think the meds have dampened me a lot.I just feel blank but im used to it now.Sedated 24/7 and dealing with all my problems here i go.There was always a question at the end of group therapy saying what did someone do that you appreciated in the group and at first i left it blank but now I feel like i dont know what but something about the fact that everyone tried to help me.they would give me a smile for at least 4 seconds and now that i reflect on it thats nice of them to try to help me.So i guess i do appreciate the group ,and it gave me something to do then being home but now its coming to an end.I feel like i should stay longer but it is too late now and im gonna be out.I’ll hopefully say something tomorrow on my last day i dont know what uyet but i will hopefully.Thanks for reading and have a goodnight.

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