A weird day

This picture represents me being in my mind whether im overthinking about anxiety or going through mental torture or when i did hear voices and they get to me.It represents losing your sanity(If you want listen to the song at the end of the blog while your reading to get the vibe I would appreciate it) .It has been awhile since i did a blog post and over the past couple weeks I am feeling better. Though today is a weird day i’m in a weird mood where i lost interest in things and the world seems somewhat blank.I have so many appointments and things to do this month and next and worry about signing up for school next semester and worrying about a cyst on my liver growing , arthritis in my hand while my hand is already injured,making follow ups,going to hawaii next week , going to a party in october , and just anxiety and weird feelings.It is all too much for me thinking about all this it’s like my mind is shutting down.I at the moment don’t know what the future holds or if i can accomplish what i think i want.I will figure stuff out though life is as hard as you make it.I’m nervous about going to a aprty ,because i never went to one ,but im gonna go because it my best friends.I decided im not going to drink though and will take a xanax and klonopin instead.Also I wish i could get a girlfriend soon I just have to get out more I wanna know what its like to experience love.If i can even feel it i’ll see ,but it would be nice ,but at the same time i feel like what if i go into a mood where i distance from them and lose them because of me it would of all been pointless then.Thats me overthinking ,but i just want some sort of thing to make me happy right now ,because at this very moment I feel blank and i don’t like it it is just happening right now it doesn’t usually happen where i feel totally blank.I still have lack of empathy problems ,but its ok .I kind of wished i stayed in group therapy longer as it was something for me to do and helpful in certain ways. I keep thinking about my days back in the psych ward it was like hell ,but heaven at the same time.I enjoyed it and i also hated it.I hated being locked in and being around such chaos ,but yet it was still like a safe haven where i had nothing to worry about not anything not about who to hang out with or whats going on in my house nothing.Pure bliss.But why was i filled with such joy when i left where i almost jumped out of my socks back into the free world and my bestfriend came to pick me up with my grandma.I don’t feel the anger or too many negative things going on since ive been out.I still notice some stuff.My therapist brought up that i blink constantly when im in her therapy room.I think it is just anxiety though because it doesnt happen when im at home.I should be excited about going to hawaii ,but in reality at this very moment i dont want to go anymore.I dont even want to hang out with my one friend anymore or play games i have lost interest.Like i said it is something that is only happening right now not usually.what a weird day huh there are better and there are worst people still dont understand me i know they never will but people assume things a lot when things arent how they are its just how i am and no one understands.I am not some normal person I have schizophrenia and anxiety and OCD.I can seem normal to strangers ,but when you get to know me you may see more stuff.I think im good at hiding things if i want i still wear a mask to a lot of people and never speak my true mind.I am also going to try and write again since its been awhile since I have.So i will write more often.I also realized i love the cold ,because i cant feel the coldness just coolness where i feel a nice night breeze even if it is freezing to the normal person.Sometimes i imagine myself on a house in the back balcony looking into the mountains into the sunset or looking into the forest or maybe even a beautiful lake.That is a reason I have been going outside to see the sunset a lot of days now what would make it better i feel is a cigarette and i dont smoke.I just feel as if i should see all the beauty the world has to offer . I just want to experience thing but what i want to experience i dont know .I want to live a dream but it is a dream i do not know.I se black all around me with no light piercing in this moment but regular days i see some light poke through.What even is my happiness alls i do is stuff to entertain me and make me laugh is laughing my happiness because thats all i do.I dont know what to do to experience more things ,but i want to do more things it is just hard .Today was rough also because my mom and me had lunch at a place where her friend works and shes the tweaker i have talked about before and  i had an anxiety attack and i told my mom i was having one and she asked why which made it 20x worse so i went outside as i kept being snappy with my friend and my mom waiting for my klonopin to kick in.My friend came outside and talked ot me and i went back in and then my moms friend touched me and i got pissed and said dont let her touch me again and went outside cussing and being angry.It wasnt a good lunch and on top of that before we left for lunch my friend was getting yelled at for being high and it made me uncomfortablw so i walked out.Overall I am in a talkative mood right now ,but dont now what to talk about  so im just talking to one of my bestfriends and losing interest in games or anything other then talking i just want to talk about anything and stay on a subject or switch subjects it doesnt matter nothing is fun right now.I hope something can make me super happy and not just laughing  like actually make me intrigued.Anything please anything.lofi radio is calming i love listening to it.Right now im thinking fuck this world  and why do i ahve to feel like blank it just sucks.Some would say maybe what im feeling is depression ,but im not a depressed person I just feel weird right now and i talk about problems on here so it will seem like I am ,but in reality i hold those problems on the inside and go on with my day a normal day ,but id be lying if i said it didnt eat me up at times ,but lately it hasnt eaten me up I have been fine.I might be a little stressed out right now ,but things will be ok even if they wont ill tell myself they will.I feel so weird its like im high on something when im not.And not in a good way.Well im about to end this blog for the night but if you have some time listen to this song ill post at the end.I promise to start writing again and heres the song(I like both these artists and they have both passed so it reminds me kind of like a song from heaven and makes me feel good) :