Difference

This picture Represents multiple things such as my mind being foggy having a tiny light im comfortable with and feeling alone.It also shows how i can’t see other things through the fog and on the other side of that fog is things like thoughts and perspectives that i can’t see.Today i wanted to just right about my day it started off with me being in a depressed state last night and eventually waking up my mom to talk about it I also had a suicidal thought for a second that i didnt realize till later.That thought was about taking all my xanax ,but it was gone in the snap of a finger.I haven’t got another thought since like that ,but anyway I went to 7/11 at 12 am and there were weird people there and I was really uncomfortable but i was determined to get some chips and nachos.I got home to find out my phone service and internet was down I had nothing to do so i played singleplayer games till i eventually took my meds and slept.In the morning I don’t remember what i did other then sign up for some medi cal stuff and my grandma was over.Later i had a friend call me and ask if we could drive to gamestop because his stepdad was annoying him.I said ok ,but in reality i didnt want to but i said yes non the less.We were driving there and he went into gamestop.I put some music on in my car and started getting paranoid and irritaed.Having thoughts such as what if he tries coming to my house later,what if he wont leave the car ,what if i have to call the cops on him ,what if as im calling the cops he tries to fight me and how will i get out of the situation.All this stuff i was thinking was pretty much nonsense mixed with anxiety and paranoia.I waited in the car for what to me seemed like 30 minutes as i did not go in with him.It was actually only like 10 mins we were there but he called me and said ill be out in 4.I was cussing in my car saying things like come on dude ,what the fuck,and Im gonna text him im leaving.Right as i texted him and asked where he was at he was walking to my car.He got in and i told him my brain is stupid thinking such silly things he asked what happened so i told him very vaguely what i was thinking.I told him i was just having a bad day and wanted to be alone when my day wasnt really bad at all.I was thinking the whole time i was waiting in the car “Im not a fucking taxi I am never doing this shit again and i should of lied about stuff so i didnt have to take him or i could of just said no im so stupid.”.Anyway i dropped him off and went home.I dont know why i was thinking all these things he is one of my bestfriends.I sent a text saying sorry for bumming out.He called me later and checked on me and i hung up later and later i was in a skype call with my online bestfriend and one of my real life friends that moved.My real life friend asked me why dont i get a game and i responded with Im never getting that game and he told me i sounded like a dick.I just went a long with it saying things jokingly and see how he responds.He kept hinting insults maybe joking maybe not but i just went along with it to see if his buttons would be pushed.One thing about my friend is he gets mad at video games very badly and it ruins your fun and he jokes a lot so i have a history of leaving calls when he joins and ignoring him and other things.Today i think i have come to the realization that i don’t like him and i dont care if he gets mad anymore im not gonna ignore it id rather mess around a little bit.whether its giving up a friendship or not I have already prepared for it as i have a dislike for him right now.Even other people complain about his behaviors I know he has bi polar but one can only take so much.No one should have to deal with constant shit.I even had his own brother say he cant show friends to him.I am not bashing him I’m just saying he is hard to deal with and i can’t take it anymore.It is getting too old.At this point it would better to not be friends ,but who knows my opinion might xhange in a day or two but at this very moment i wouldnt care if i talked to him again.For a second in my mind earlier i was a bit harsh and had a small thought in my head and thought itf i could wish death upon anyone in the world it would be him ,but it stopped after that and i got a hold of myself.I have been irritated today as you can tell.There is a difference in things going on the past 2 days.Right now im content and not losing interest.That is good for me and a step.I just want to say though my friend is a good guy but i cant help thinking certain things sometimes.I feel like i have been distancing lately from friends and i dont know why.My mind is all over the place.I wish  could just win the lottery or something and be secluded in a house in the mountains with beautiful sights i dont even need fancy stuff just a house big enough for friends and sights.Life is a journey as some would say and im gonna ride it out.I still wonder to myself a lot will i make it in this world ,will i accomplish something , and i wonder what my future is going to be.At the same time though i dont care whether it collapses around me or goes good.whatever the outcome is ill handle it.I kind of feel like being in rain right now and listening with my eyes closed as the water hits my skin dont know why but just do.I also want to feel the coldness envelop me as i like the cold ,because to me it is comfortable ,because i never freeze.A thought that comes in my head right now is “if people knew 100% if they killed themselves that they would be in bliss for eternity would everyone do it .”.I think it is a good quetion ,because i think the reason people don’t do it is because they fear the unknown.No one knows whats beyond in reality.You can only hope and have an opinion for yourself..I ask my friends a lot of random non making sense questions and i don’t know why maybe it is because i like answers or want reactions or I just do it out of habit.Whats weird though is people try asking me a question back and i think to myself thats not something id say.They try to impersonate my questions to me so i know how it sounds like here is an example.”what if a blue giant octopus fell from the sky landed on your head and bit your arm off what would you do?”I think to myself i dont ask like that i give options and add to it .and are my questions really that bizzare. My friend i talked about earlier that gets mad tried mocking my questions and said what would you do if you killed your grandmas dog with a shovel.I was thinking in my head I wouldn’t ask questions like tthat but i respoded my grandmas dog would be dead then. he then replied what do you think would happen. I repeated I would probably go to jail.Then my online bestfriend says those arent questions he would ask how did we get from (blank because i cant remember what i said) to killing a dog .My friend replied because “me ” ius  the one most likely to snap and kill something or someone and He should ask questions that go with a prson like i am doing right now.Let me tell you i dont get offended easily but if i did i bet that would hit the spot.He reallly thinks i would snap and am most likely to be a killer because i have schizophrenia.Seems fair right?The funny thing is I have heard him say if someone hurt his cat he would kill them.One day also his cat was attacking him and he was tlaking about putting it down and saying i should snap its fucking neck.But im most likely to be a killer im the crazy one.I wonder how many people view me like that in all honestly.Im not a killer and dont even think about hurting people.Overall this friend goes pretty overboard and i dont know why i should put up with it anymore, I dont feel stressed out anymore like i was yesterday ,but as i said my mind is all over the place.Thanks for reading my blog today you can always leave anonymous feedback if you want me to look at what you have to say I will read all of them.I have some already too.Have a nice day!Have a listen :

 

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