A Normal Day

This picture represents two sides of things dark and light .The snow covers whats beautiful and who you want to be and it is the light and the snow is also darkness over the real.Even though snow is beautiful itself its represented as false beauty to me in this picture.I feel as if I am still covered in snow I feel as ii am enjoying things right now ,but there is a better place to be which is the green side.The fox is jumping back into the snow just as I see the light then hit the darkness again.Before i start this blog i would like to post a song I have a jist of whats it about but i dont fully understand it ,but yet i like it so here it is.

It just came out today and I love lil peep.Anyway to start this off I would like today i am just in a normal mood nothing bad nothing good just a normal regular day.I am glad im not feeling bummed or blank or hyper just a normal mood.It feels good andI plan on pulling an all nighter tonight  we will see how that goes.I have talked about my one friend that I don’t like anymore to two people one is on his side because he tlaks to him all the time and says he is just joking with me and getting a reaction out of me and if i react he does it more well you know what i dont care if he is joking it is getting tiring and how is he joking when he even gets mad at you and you fight with him too.I talked to my other bestfriend and he used to be friends with him too in real life.He said theres a reason i dont talk to him anymore and i dont remember everything we said ,but it helped me think things over ,but then a small part of me thinks he is neutral or nice to me sometimes but overall the bad overweighs the good and i dont really need that toxicity in my life.I might talk to him if my online bestfriend invites to a call.I was called an instigator which i was being to my one friend and even pulled my online bestfriend into something ,but i dont usually im usually silent and quiet and dont talk about all my opinions.The other day i tried talking to my online bestfriend about some stuff on my mind i was frantically pacing around getting all jumpy and energy.I had to take a xanax to calm down because i was to ansy.It worked I was talking about what i talked to my therapist about and for some reason talking about real stuff on my mind gives me  bad anxiety.I was also telling my therapist and friend about how i hate how everyone is opinions and how people are my therapist asked me “how do you want people to be “ad my online bestfriend said it seems like you want people to think how you want in a way it sounded like.In all honestly i dont want people to act or think a certain way i just generally hate how things are with certain things.I spent 3 nights in a row at my bestfriends house and the ambien knocks me out everytime right away it is great.Theres another song im going to post at the end because i like it too even though the depression part doesnt relate to me.My therapist asked me if my blog is therapeutic and it is.writing stuff ony my mind with no one to tell me anything and writing to myself where i get zero anxiety is just the best feeling.I enjoy doing every single blog even not right at that time.There are certain times i write in my blog where i different feelings and i dont really want to write but i do so you can see how things change in me and maybe i can see things i dont notice myself.Although i dont usually read back on my blogs i just post them after typing them without ever spell checking or re reading so its authentic.I am still just being in my room everyday so far doing nothing but gaming or talking to friends which i dont mind but i know deep down i need to get things on the road i cant do this forever ,but wheres my motivation. i dont know.I want to do things but just cant seem to do them.I dont think i have depression because i dont get bummed out often or have things people with depression tell me things are like ,but there are some things that are similar in a sense.The question is is it related to my illness or what i dont know and i dont know if i may ever know.Im content with everything right now at peace just on my computer talking to my friend.I want to actually hang out with my other bestfriend too but he works so much and i never message him which i should i almost said will but i’d know that would be a lie.I dont like to promise myself things ebcause i dont feel like i can keep them.I keep tlaking to people about my experiences at the psych ward ,because it was really different for me you know going theough all the different units from the craziest to the softest and ready to go.It was a real trip and i wont ever forget it.That is one thing i wont forget is going there.My friend told me if he ever went to one he would go crazy haha.They aren’t that bad I was telling him recently about how there was a place called the quiet room where you would go in and they lock it from the outside and if you talked the whole room would echo so i wopuld lay on the bare floor and sing songs the only thing is i couldnt remember any full songs zero.I also went to the quiet room when i was stressed or had cabin fever  or just needed alone time.I also read books on schizophrenia and i liked it because i actually started reading my mom and grandma drove 3 and half hours from my city to the hospital just to give me money and books im glad because i had something to do.The other thing i remember clearly is when i would call my bestfriend or he would call me but they need to have a special code to call me which i gave to few people.My bestfriend would play music over the pay phone looking phone and he would play music for me.When he did i was actually flowing with happiness like actual happiness like euphoria.I would be sitting in the hall bobbing my head up and down while other patients would look at me and workers would ask why im not talking and i would tell them my friends playing music.He would play new released songs and i was so glad.I havent felt like that in so long.he also came with my grandma on a 7 hour drive in total to get me.I didnt really feel grateful to him for doing all those things but i did feel grateful hearing music ,but not to a specific person.I feel like i could write for days on end right now.Im just at peace at this moment in my own head nothing bad happening not hearing bad voices about people and im not taking that for granite I remember how it was with the voices and how i got used to them ,but you never really get all the way used to them they are always there you always hear them it is something you cant escape.Now though now im feeling free ,but i still have a lot of downsides but im not focusing on the negative right now only the positive.That is all for today and hear is the song i said i would put at the end :).

 

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