Therapy

This picture represents how even the strong break down and the guy saying they are weak is ignorant and is like those who dont understand people with mental illness.Today’s topic is therapy and I get my own kinds of therapy in many ways.I get therapy from a therapist ,i get it from writing , and i get it form being alone at times.Some would say talking to friends is therapy ,but i think it isn’t really.I get really bad anxiety talking to people about my problems as if almost i dont want them to be bothered with my problems or  just thinking about them gives me anxiety i dont know.I talked to my therpaist today and earlier this morning she texted me saying she didnt feel good so she would have to cancel until further notice and i texted ok i hope you feel better.Then later she texted me she was feeling better and to come at 3 PM.Mind you i was in a dreamlike state when i woke up at 9 am and you know when your awkae but still in dram thoughts well i was like that so i stayed laying down imagining crazy things i cant remember the whole time till 3 pm when i went to the appointment.When i was getting her texts i was laying down and everytime i got one i remember looking at my phone that my mom threw beside me earlier and my vision being blurry so i had to rub my eyes to see the text which was super bright.I went at 3 and she was telling me something about how i sent her the i hope you feel better text.We got into the topic of the i dont care about stuff and the fact i say those things that seem caring.I didn’t even remember sending thew i hope you feel better text ,but I know i am a nice person and we were talking about if its that i know the right things to say or what.In my opinion I dont know why i help people out because i really deep down dont care if someone sick or whatever their problems are but i still help them and thats what gets me.I dont know why.I was talking about in my session earlier it could be the fact that i could want acceptance because i feel alone myself or something else. the truth is i dont know the answer.Alls i know is i help out all kinds of people and they sometimes say i make them feel better and this and that but i dont care about their problems what do they have to do with me.and i dont sit on my computer smiling when im making someone feel better what im really doing is typing a message then going to fb or youtube till they reply then going straight back to messaging.As i told my therapist i enjoy talking to people ,but i dont know why i help people.The other day i comforted a friend when she was talking about her father being murdered and that memories were being brought up.I didn’t feel anything about her father being murdered nor did i care but i would never tell her that as it would make everything i say seem like a lie to her.I noticed when i tell people stuff i truly feel they feel like i have been ling to them or something.Apparently people need empathy and sympathy to connect or if they think the person is sympathizing with them it makes them feel better i dont know.It makes me come to think what am i doing is this manipulation?I dont know why im doing the things im doing.It all confuses me but nontheless it doesn’t really matter.I am how I am ,because that is me and i dont have to change for anyone.Sometimes i want to change for myself ,but it is hard.My online bestfriend is always talking to the guy i dont like that used to be my friend during the day instead of me and talks to me at night when i dont want to talk.So i messaged him to hit me up during the day he said alright and lets see if he does.Sometimes i feel like he tlaks to my other friend all the time as a task like if he doesnt my other friend will get mad he even brought up to him once that he was tlaking to me more then him.So it feels like my bestfriend online is just talking to him for the sake of pleasing him or something.Anyway if he doesnt want to talk to me during the day wihtout him in the call then i guess we wont talk ,because im tired of tlaking at night when i lose interest it is annoying.Anyway My parents also agued over something as stupid as turning a light on and off.Such children it is unbelievable.That is all for today here is a song to end the blog!