Anxiety + paranoia

This picture represents when i used to believe in the delusions and now that I know right from wrong and whats real and not for the most part this picture is like a saying that relates to me.Yesterday I had a very bad anxiety attack i was just playing a video game with friends and out of nowhere I got hit with it.I also noticed everytime i get an anxiety like that I keep saying something to myself in my head.”You schizophrenic ass motherfucker” i say to myself over and over.I think i do this when im having a rush of anxiety ,because im thinking im going into a mini episode at first.My body just wants to twitch and wig out and i cant stop frantically looking around.I wish i didnt say that to myself but i cant stop saying it over and over and over.It is like a record playing in my head im not even saying i want this to stop its just “you schizophrenic ass motherfucker.”.In all reality I just hated that i couldnt stop thinking that.I just wanted to cry almost over and over i took a xanax but it felt like so long till it kicked in.I told my friends i was having an anxiety attack and said i had to mute my mic.I was finishing playting my game the whole time i was freaking out and i wouldnt even call it an anxiety attack i have those all the time this was a straight up panic attack.I just hate those feeling so much its hell.When i get really bad panic attacks i cry and hyperventilate but it hasnt been that bad in awhile.It felt like a bad high where you wanted it to end but it wont.Not only was i having anxiety ,but extreme paranoia.I was thinking so may things that i cant even remember ,but i still had habits to do like when i turned the microwave on 30 seconds i told myself i had to go around the corner and jump in the bathroom before the timer went off.So i did all while i was having a panic attack.I told myself many things i also kept looking over seeing if someone kept coming in my room but the black thing i saw next to me was just my hair out of my side vision.Eventually everything subsided and I felt better but damn was that hell in the meantime.Another thing I noticed was my friend i dont like very much i joined a call with him and my friend and he was on the phone first about what phone is better then it went to “you know how many chinese die for this” to “i dont think of russia when i think of mad scientists i think of americans.” then it went to “Americans made the first hydrogen bomb and if you blew a nuke in space it would kill you ,because einstein found out if you shot a gun in a vaccum it could kill you”. It got much crazier then that but this was all a phone call to his mom which started normal.While hearing this i was just alughing at how bizzare it sounded and thinking in my head he belongs in the psych ward or if i heard this when i was in the psych ward id be thinking hes crazy.It wasnt very nice of em to think of these things ,but i couldnt help it for some reason.Another thing is apparently my friends some have a problem with me messing with them too much.They say i get enjoyment out of it and i do things for reactions.Which i would be lying if i said i didnt for a lot of things.I do like reactions I live for them in a sense.I dont get much out of myself so i go to see others.Not everything i do though is for a reaction or maybe sometimes i do things still unknowingly.Here is an example so today 3 of my good friends facebooks were all deleted two talked to each other and one doesnt and is seperate from them.I told one friend he was on a list and this is the first step to them taking action.Later on i find out he didnt take it well as multiple things happened including his fb being taken down.The thing is though I said that as a joke with no intention of a reaction I just joke around about being on a list all the time from the government or anybody.The thing is i wonder why do i like reactions out of people.I ask crazy questions constantly i cant help depending on how comfortable i am with them and i say things to purposely mess with them and get some sort of face or reaction from words.I do not know why i do this but i do.I do like reactions though and maybe thats what feeds me more.I have been told beforew that my messing with them doesnt make them happy and i should tone it down and to my knowledge i have been.Whether it is real life or online i always mess with someone when im in real life i do something to a friend such as poke their foot or continue to mess with them.I dont know how i know what sets someone off but to my knowledge i must learn it and keep doing it.Thins i do are so foreign to me even them im doing them in the making i dont know reasons behind things just like the nice actions i do to everyone.It is all a big mystery i may never solve but maybe i will.Whether i do doesnt matter o not but it would be interesting to find an answer.I also just wanted to say i love dreamign and it is a reason i dont like waking up in the mornings but i hate sleeping.The thought of losing conciousness and just laying there waiting to just black out till morning doesnt appease me.Overall thats the blog today hope you guys read it and see how my everyday life goes.Thanks have a good day!Here is a song for the end.I like this song very much.

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