A Friend in Need

This picture represents my blank mind saying that one phrase thinking about how schizophrenia has affected my mind.Today was a normal day other then waking up at 3 pm and then night came and my parents argued again this time over spending money and thinking they are spying and my dad made a whole fit even though it is both of their faults.I remember my mom saying this is close to over and by that they meant their marriage.I dont think they would divorce though.My dad was even saying they should get different bank accs not really saying but yelling im getting my own bank account and you have yours how about that!.How much longer must they act like children like really just die or something with your stupid acting.Sometimes i get that thought that they act so stupid they would better off be dead.I have tried talking to my mom but she is as ignorant as ever and wont listen so if you wont listen then fuck you you dont even try to change then your no one to me.Thats all my opinion though and i dont think like that a lot just right now.I get too bothered by others and i cant help it.It annoys me i do this but it is whatever.Right now my friend just called me and said fuck these people i tried to ask him who or what happened and he just kept syaing the same thing over and over.Then he said to me “why the fuck do you even talk to me?”I said why would you say that he replied, “because fuck all” i said what again he repeated it again.I knew he is going through a super depressive episode or something right now.You know what weird though is i had no feel of helping him at all.Usually i help people that are down ,but for some reason i had zero desire to help him.I was thinking in my head he could be suicidal right now and he wont tell me whats going on.I then decided to say you seem super down today and i heard mumbling.About 5 mins later he said i have to wake up in 2 hours i got to go fuck these people and before i could say bye he left.It is 1:30 am waking up in 2 hours would mean hes waking up at 3:30 why would he do that.He is either lying or he could be telling the truth.That was the end of that and now im listening to lofi while typing and just wondering what is going on and i dont know what to right now anyway.I dont know who i should talk to or what i should do after im done typing.Good news is i didnt have a panic attack this night which is good.Overall im getting fed up with certain things but im not losing it if you know what i mean.I almost blew up at my parents earlier when they were raising voices before yelling to tell them to shut the fuck up because i knew an argument was gonna happen.I decided to take a shower instead and things blew up.My one friend also told me the other day how were addicted to our anxiety meds and even said i am a little like him and have an addictive personality.I just want to say i think this false 100% He said if we both didnt take our xanax we would get withdrawals and I didnt even touch a xanax for like a month before I took one two days ago.I barely use it because i have been home and not having anxiety.He was saying how he doesnt think i should take ambien from what he had to say as it would make it to where i couldnt sleep after awhile without it.I think ill be fine though.I dont think i have an addictive personality at all i barely drink I havent used weed in so long.I dont abuse any drug on a daily basis I dont even take pills for no reason.So im wondering how i have an addictive personality.Sure sometimes i want to drink but i drink so little i would surely not call it addictive.He said he wants me to know hes not bashing me and that he wouldnt be saying this if he didnt care for me.I guess i understand sorta ,but im just saying my opnion on it not saying anything bad about what he said to me.Im 100% sure i dont have an addictive personality sure i did weed in the past for fun but i stopped even though a part of me wanted to try it again I didnt.He also convinced me not to try it again because he knows it doesnt work well with me ,but i realized its better if i dont because it causes me to hallucinate.Wanting to have fun once in awhile is not addiction there are plenty of people who drink and arent considered alcoholics.Overall im just saying i think im fine.You can give me all the advice you want ill listen and take some of it in but not everything you say to me is true.My friend i dont like i joined with in a call yesterday and it went good he didnt try anything funny.I still have random thoughts sometimes if i was god of this worls in my body i am now i would do so much things that are considered bad.Id show true pain.I dont know what im talking about ,but its ok.I keep typing talking like tlaking and its getting to me why do i type a words wrong when typing fast.like if i type have ill type ahve.and any word like that.Thats all for todays blog thanks fo eading even though my thoughts are all over the place.Here is a song for you guys.

 

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