This picture represents me in the rain which symbolizes the dark and that cigarette in my mouth is life and that light at the end is still going ,but is it going to burn out quicker from the rain or when my life ends naturally.Will that cigarette light keep going will it find its light in the dark even when the rain wants it out.Let me tell you something im not gonna let the rain put out my cigarette.I dont even smoke cigarettes anyway.You know how i wrote about my one friend and  the pictures being taken last blog well the thing i like about this blog is he doesnt have to know what i think and i dont have to keep it bottled in my mind.I write it down and it has a place and that place is here then i can forget about it. So the friend i said i dont like blocked me and my other friend yesterday.By the way im not going to use the term online bestfriend anymore.So what happened was we were in a call him me and my friend and our mutual friend but not the one i dont likes friend.They were talking about games then my friend i dont like just blew the fuse and started cussing out our other friend.He started to throw my friend under the bus with our other friend so we all left the call and made a new one.That is when he went and blocked us on everything deleted all traces of all of us.Funny because he was a real life friend at some point.Im glad hes not around anymore brings a freedom to me.Now my other friend as of now doesnt have to talk to him and not include one of us in one of the calls.They will probably add each other back eventually i can tell because that was one of his only friends.Without him he has no one to talk to really.I also noticed it finally started raining here which is why i named the title rain and the picture i chose today i didnt even me to put it with the title like that it just happened i plan in advance the pictures im going to use.One thing about the rain I dislike is the weather makes me gloomy and not feel good in my mind for some reason.Like i like the sound of rain just not seeing the clouds or the rain itself.I also hate driving in it.Thanksgiving happened yesterday and went all good before my mom and her friend got in a fight and made my mom cry then my moms friend left.I had some really good mashed potatos and gravy though.Now that i think of it i never get a break from hearing yelling whether its my parents yelling to my friends yelling or anything even online yelling is common.I wonder why i cant be in peace.Just quiet peace like a soundproof room i can just lie down in the dark and listen to the sound of my voice or living in the woods with a different style house like a japanese temple looking house with rain i can see from the porch.Maybe even having a lake view would be nice.Sometimes i wish life doesnt have to hit so hard and you can enjoy it for alittle while longer before you have to start working and get a whole life going.My bestfriend in real life has things going for him now.He has a job, a car, a girlfriend and hes happy and thats good for him.Just in july he had none of those things and people would tell him stuff about it and he wanted to prove them wrong and look what hes doing now he is.Ill get something going for me too.Just dont know when yet but im going to try my hardest to get through my anxiety and do college all the way.I want to be a neurosurgeon ,but i need to push myself and i need to do it now.I think i lack motivation though.If i cant be a doctor i’ll be a nurse like my family has done.I dont think people ever believe me that i can be a neurosurgeon.Even when i was in group therapy and i was leaving they all said i can see brain surgeon you ,but i think deep down people down believe it still.It doesnt stop me from wanting to be one so dont think that ,but I just dont know what others think and im being a little negative right now ,but im not bothered so dont worry.Only two people have my blow well 3 but the third one doesnt have time to read it.My friend has it incase i die , my therapist , and my psych.My friend always tells me the one that has it to not include him in it because my therapist reads it and he doesnt want her to know his life ,but i think i siad this before and ill say it again she doesnt care about others i write she focuses on me and i post everything here because it is anonymous im not going to filter things out because of your feelings this page is mine and mine alone.He doesnt usually read my blogs anyway i dont really mind if he does ,but he is in a lot of them.I dont like being told what to do by others on how i should do things.Like if it came down to it i’d just change my domain name and not let him read before i left him out because this is my free space i write whatever is on my mind good or bad.Right now it feels good to type I am just writing my thoughts away and leaving them behind I dont think i have ever re read one of my blogs.The one i might read though is the one tilted 5250 because it was when i was in the psych ward.Speaking of that i found my scrubs my patient scrubs and put them on and showed my friends how i looked in them even though i think i said that in my last blog.I had another panic attack last night but this time no paranoia and it wasnt a panic attack just extreme anxiety.I was even telling my friends im having a major anxiety attack right now and was talking to them normally.They told me i sounded extremely calm and i told them im anything but calm im frantically looking around and breathing heavy.They tried taking my mind off things but eventually i got off.I noticed when i took a xanax for my anxiety and then my ambien for sleep i dont remember sleeping still.I want to still visit my friend but i dont know when ill have the chance or the courage to he is going on a cruise tomorrow.Thats all for today thanks for reading and as always heres a song to listen to.

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