Black Out

This picture represents things in multiple ways.One is that I feel alone as no one understands me and no one ever will.Another way as i have wrote before is telling people I have schizophrenia makes them treat me differently or if i get a girlfriend in the future telling her might push her away.So my friend that blocked me and my other friend messaged me on fb and stated joking around that im a nazi or a polar bear as he called it.I showed my real life bestfriend the messages and comments on my posts and he asked me if he was going crazy which i couldnt agree more on.My other friend is still on his cruise and i havent had contact because he doesnt have the data ,but im finding peace in being able to talk to my other online friends at night for the time being.Last night i went to a friends house and we were tlaking and i decided to take a hit of wax from his pen.For those of you who dont know what that is its concentrated marijuana.I took a small hit ,but it started freaking me out so i took a xanax.Later on when it was about 4 am i was wide awake and i took my antipsychotic and ambien.The last thing i remember was him saying your not gonna be awake for very much longer and i said “bro i can fight it easy”.Then next thing I know it was morning.In a flash my night and everything was lost.It is scary blacking out even though some seek it to avoid pain because your just talking to your friends and out of nowhere you just are either in some other place or time went by hours.Some people do stupid stuff like drive when their blacked out because when your on a med like xanax or ambien you feel more sober then you really are.I have blacked out a handful of times most were accidents and there was a time to see if my tolerance was up and i would be fine which didnt end up happening.I swear though with this ambien i fall asleep in an instant with this med.I always sleep good with it and its great.When you mix it with the xanax though I dont remember anything though except one time i didnt black out.Maybe i shouldnt take the anxiety med with sleep med ,but my xanax helps me the most with anxiety.This is random ,but sometimes i wish death upon the world.Like i said before I hate the way people are and how people act like its programmed in their brains.Which somethings are because we as humans learn habits repeat them.I even have them ,but i dont notice i guess.I put on a mask a lot.People will think im happy or whatever i project to them but im really blank.I do laugh at a lot of things though ,but i laugh so much i dont know if its fake or not and i cant help laughing maybe thats one of my habits.I just decided right now at this very moment im going to give my blog to one more friend.One i trust as i have known for 8 years online and know he is a good person.Even though it is one more step to being not anonymous he wouldnt share it and i trust him.I just want to succeed in life but i cant find motivation what is my problem.I need to do things ,but i just can’t ahh i just caught myself never say you cant maybe that your just not trying or there is always another way or you can always change i dont know.I really want to be a neurosurgeon ,but i myself am even losing hope ill be one.I had a friend earlier today saying medical terms to me and asking me what they were as almost to mock me it felt.He said you want to be a doctor what are these terms.I said i havent even taken medical terminology yet.Maybe i take things either to seriously or not at all.I didnt care when he said that stuff to me i know he always jokes with me ,but there are some times i have taken things seriously and gotten anxiety and thats from my friend that blocked me.I am messaging people and talking to people all at once right now knowing im writing this but im not talking.Truth is im not finding interest in much things anymore.Like at this moment Im just blank i dont even want to play my favorite game one of the only things that distracts me all day.I have my therapy appointment tomorrow at 2 pm instead of the regular appointments at 10 am on tuesdays.I havent even turned in my ct scan paper yet.It annoys me i cant find the motivation to even get out of my room and get a drink without some sort of benefit.I always ask my mom if she can cook dinner for everyone ,because i dont even have the motivation to go and make my own stuff at times.When my grandma comes over I dont even visit when i used to all the time.But no id rather be on my computer distracting myself.I want to eat good food but dont want to go out and actually drive there.What is wrong with me god i dont know.I need motivation badly.My friend got his motivation when he got a girlfriend maybe if i got one too id do stuff for her to get things on track.I have also been wanting a connection with somebody ,but im slwoly letting go to all my friends.More and more each day in real life it feels as if my friends are slowly giving up on me not messaging me anymore except my one bestfriend.It feels like going into an internal abyss.I nkow this may sound like depression ,but im not depressed I usually just live day by day ,but write how i feel in here when i write these are all thoughts in my mind and how i feel ,but i am usually content everyday until night time.That is all for today here is a song.

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