Sadness

This picture represents me from when i heard voices and wanted to escape and also things i need saving from such as my lack of motivation and problems i still have yet im the only one that can save myself.Today was weird I played my favorite youtube vids of songs i like and i forgot i added the one from a girl i dated online.I listened to it today and almost felt like i wanted to cry like a weird feeling no thoughts attached.Im listening to it on repeat thinking of the good times ad my eyes are getting teary as we speak.I spent money on her we tlaked all day and night ,but the problem was she was a pathological liar and lied about everything including her age which i didnt find out till after we broke up from her old friend.I bought her  chocolates, stuffed animals, and all kinds of gifts.We watched a lot of videos and i tried to get her to tell me everything about her and listen and see everything she liked.Some would say online relationships suck and i agree now because you dont know what your dealing with and they are hard to keep up.There would be times she would yell at me though and id always forgive her.We actually had the excct same birthday.For her birthday i was going to give her a giant stuffed teddy bear.Afterawhile i couldnt take how chaotic she was and on the way home from school one day i was listening to better off dying by lil peep and decided im breaking up with her so i did and she was threatening suicde saying so many mean things about how i never cared all this and that and i never broke up with someone i put effort in with so I had a panic attack and my friend heard me hyperventilating and crying from a panic attack because it was too much pressure.My friend told me he has never seen me like that before and he had a girlfriend of 3 years cheat on him and knows online relationships dont work out for the most part and had also been telling me it was toxic for a long time.He was glad i got out of it I was too just doing it was the hard part i never had to do something like that.After that i still was having anxiety so i messaged her and said we can still be friends and ill talk to you still all the time.I finally tlaked her down and calmed her.So we stated watching videos and he she was playing videos on how the person in the song was sad and saying stuff about relationships ending and it was like unspoken words i i knew the message she was trying to tell me.At one time i tried forcing myself to cry and had some tears going down and told her i was crying i dont know why.I even at one point almost got back together with her but then ended up saying nevermind which played with her emotions.She is also terminally ill i dont remember with what ,but she is a pathological liar so i never know what she says is truth.Anyway i totally got her out of my life got her to block me after a fight and it was over.Until recently her odl friend who said she was 3 years younger then me i was 19 at the time that means she was 16 I was very furious as I did some adultish things with her and i dont fuck with that underage shit.So i remembered i had her email logged in she used for online school because she couldnt go to regular school and i deleted all her acounts she used the email on and changed her email password took her phone recovery off and everything.I still dont feel any guilt about it then recently watching a different vid with a friend i heard a song that she played all the time .and save dit in my favoite vids and i wa slistening to my songs in my favorite playlist and it poppd up and i felt a warped feeling inside of me like i almost wanted to cry and i didnt recognize this feeling since i have been way younger.Maybe this is sadness and why am i getting it all of a sudden i dont know.It is making me look abck on all the things ,but only the song makes me feel this way.She recently messaged her old friend that she is sorry for everything awhile back and i told him to tell her i cant ever talk to her again.Then i heard this song and i told him to tell hr i heard a song that reminded me of us and she told him i could add her and im thinking to myself should i add her and ask her why she did all those things or should i leave it in the past i dont know.I tink im over everything now writing about it ,but here is the song that reminds me of her because she played it all the time and listened to it frequently

It is a very girly song but i dont even care.Im starting to think to myself I have a hard time identifying emotions ,but there is a lot i dont care for and it was so weird to me that this song brought that feeling in me.Anyway my friend is still on his cruise and im glad i got that out.my friend that blocked me is messaging me on fb like nromal tlaking nromal now.I dont know what to think of people because i dont understand them all the time even when they explain.What am i a narcissist i dont know.Why dont i understand others points of view one of my friends even told me thats narcissistic.I dont even know what to believe sometimes because thats everyones opinions.I define myself so stop trying to act like you know what i am.This world is shit and cruel.I dont even know what im doing with myself anyway.My mom even said your going to school or getting a job and i just walked away because i didnt want to think about all the pressure.I have heard the saying If a car were about to hit me iw ouldnt move out of the way or if someone had a gun to my head i wouldnt beg for my life i would die if it wasnt by my own hand.Im not there I just find the saying interesting.I was talking to my friend and she was posting that she would die on her own terms and i told her about how when i was in the psych ward a guy told me he has no control over anything in life so he said he will have control over his own death.She said exactly.To be fair i wasnt really helping the situation and i dont care about what others do I just want to be nothingness right now.I wish i could stay in a dream forever or just fly in the sky and not deal with a thing but thats not how the world works.Whatever this world is just full of disgusting people not all but most.That is all for today sorry if the blog sounds bad towards the end have a nice day.

Update:This is the first time i have posted an update ,but things have gotten worse in my mind right now.So bad in fact i vented to a friend for almost 4 minutes straight what felt like and another friend says she is there to talk to me but i dont want to tlak to her.I even typed risperdal overdose in my google search to see the effects.Not that i plan on doing it.I dont know why i searched it im in a very bad mindstate and keeps getting worse and i asked my friend when he gets off work at 1 am if i can come over.I just want to blackout right now and wake up fine tommorow everything is getting to me this is why i dont vent in voice because it triggers me in everything i think and gives me anxiety.I hate this I hate life I hate this world and i hate everybody almost everybody there are good people out there.I cant take this right now i actually need my bestfriend right now.Only he can help me and i have to wait another 30 minutes.fuck fuck fuck fuck.My mindstate is so fucked right now i cant even think straight.