Breakdown

This picture represents how i just need a nice cigarette for all the stuff i went through last night.I dont smoke but a nice head rush would of helped hell anything would of.Last night now that i think about it i was super suicidal for a moment span of about 1 to 2 hours.I was typing in my antipsychotic medication overdose stories to see if it is painful and othr stuff like that.I was out of my mind something triggered me and i think it was because i was venting to someone about problems with things i have.I messaged my real life best friend i need help he was at work it was 12:30 to 12:44 am he calld me and could tewll in my voice i wasnt alright he told me to take a xanax then he said wait 15 minuts for me to get off work i said ok then hung up.I decided to go outside and sit in my chair out in the freezing cold and my friend kept texting me your good your strong keep messaging me and when i saw that i laughed hysterically and then went back to freaking out.Was i strong?I dont know because i was sitting there in my head thinking take your pills get a knife start stabbing your self i hate everyone i hate the world people are fake everything is this world suck i dont want to be here i want to be nothingness.So he messaged me to listen to music i told alright .Meanwhile my mom kept opening the front door and checking on me and i kept telling her hes coming soon.So the first song i played was runaway by lil peep heres the song.

it was trigering me more and everything was just making me hate life and this breakdown was very bad i wasnt psychically at this point hyperventilating or anything just silence and then when runaway came on my friend texted me listen to billie eilishso i did and the first song that came on was lovely by billie.

This song instantly made me start crying my eyes got so blurry i couldnt see the screen  so i wiped my eyes and it wasnt until 1:40 am i was picked up its a good thing i dont get cold or i would of froze.By ten the xanax kicked in and i was very calm.He just distracted me the rest of the time we went and got food and hung out i took my meds and the next thing i know again it was morning then my mom pickd me up and i was fine as ever can be.Not going to lie i almost thought i was going to have to go back to the psych ward for a second i told my self i going crazy.Now i know its obvious i need the group therapy again and extra help aas i am still not stable.My friend i dont like very much posted something on my timeline to try and offend me and he said thought of you so i just said back thanks for thinking about me.I went to sleep before 2 and woke up at 6 today as well.Now i wont be able to probably sleep but thats fine.Overall was just a very bad day and im glad its gone.thats all for today thanks for reading.b50

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