Suicidal

This picture represents the small leaf being the darkness only a small pat of you and goes into the big sun the light.The light seems so far away but its there so keep trying till you get there.I know we can all hit the light and when we do it will be great.So as of when i had a mental breakdown two nights or a night ago i been feeling like a little suicidal.I just caught myself watching videos on suicide.People with schizophrenia tlaking about it and others with other mental illnesses talking about suicide .It is weird because I never felt like this before and never do yet here i am thinking about if life is better on the other side.I dont like this feeling it is eery.Yet i’m so calm about it.I dont know what to do right now and hopefully i can talk to my therapist about this and i have a psych appointment tuesday and its saturday about to be sunday in 1 day.I really need to tlak about this because i dont like it i feel as if im falling deeper i the abyss again and this time not just with the voices but other feelings i have wrote about before.Things are getting to me and i cant even explain what it is getting to me just all my feelings at once.Im slowly gettingto a lower place and i need help.Maybe i need an anti depressant.Who knows all i know is i want to feel right thats all i want i want to go about my life in a normal matter but when i think of a progressing life i instantly think about how we all meet with death.First thought in my mind and ill probably forget i said that and not remember to tell my therapist this but she can read my blog.I even questiona nd look down on mysaelf if ill make it in life my lack of motivation and everything that is going on with me is making me lose all hope inside me or in other words hopeless.I feel like im slowly and slowly either going to go back in a psych ward or go abck to group therapy I want to go back to group therapy and i think i need to do it.Like right now ill do it again and commit this time.I can talk to my psych about it again.God everything sucks to me.I am even doubting things like religion and life in every aspect.Nothing good is coming from my mind.I always put a mask on and lie about how im doing or how others think i feel.That girl i wrote about a blog or two ago added me and i emssaged her like nothing ever happened and tried being nice when i have moved on and dont care about her anymore.Yet i feel the need to still type to people as if i want them to think im ok or something.In reality this life is a living hell in aspects it’s either im content during the day or i dwell on all the negatives.I just paused and caught myself right now i just paused and thought about how id tell other sin group therapy i was actually having suicdal thoughts and thinking what it would be like to die.I started tearing up right now.I was thinking about how id also do it.Such as i shouldnt do it with pills or i wouldnt be trusted with them anymore or getting a knife and stabbing myself or slitting your wrist veins.The question on my mind is why am i thinking this.there is a picture to perfectly describe this in a way ill try and find it.I cant find it but basically it is a cartoon picture with a guy with a gun in his mouth like he is about to pull the trigger with a blank face and a guy comes behind hima nd cant see the gun in the other guys mouth and says i want to kill myself while crying the guy takes the gun out of his mouth and says dont worry it will be alright.I feel like the guy with a gun in his mouth in some ways.Not in the way like im ready to die ,but the fact i help others when i have very bad problems to deal with on my own ,but i go out of the way to help others first. I still dont know why i do it.I see no benefit for me or any reason to help ,but i do.All my suicidal friends or at least those who said they were I always helped them and tried to tell them their worth to make them feel better ,but the thing is i fel like they dont really want to die no one does.Even more so i dont think they would do it had i not been there.What i did notice is when i had my breakdown and was feeling very suicidal or even where i stated feeling suicidal without realizing it at the time that my friend was there for me and made me feel better.It amde me think of the times when I have seen my friend breakdown cry and i just left because i was uncomfortable.I never really appreciate anything but this one time i really did appreciate him texting me telling me to listen to music till he got there and getting me.I even told him i was sorry for all the times i have left him.He said its ok some people just cant handle certain situations and hes right.I cant handle any negative energy really as it rubs of f on me or i might laugh and piss off and or make a person feel worse.I still cant help laugh sometimes and maybe it is out of nervousness or not but i laugh all the time at everything.It is like i feel like i have to fight myself to not laugh as a reaction.I do feel though in all reality if i wasnt here at this moment I wouldnt have to deal with anything anymore and i dont care about when people say it is selfish or your passing the pain to another person thats all bullshit maybe not all of it ,but think about the people suffering why should they have to stay because of your wanting them to not leave.Not saying suicide is the right choice ,because things can always get better and like i said in the beginning of my blog there is always that light even if its miles away.I just cant get out of this dark loop and it irritates me.This suicidal ideology has never happened to me before and i wish it would leave.Why cant i just feel happy and normal no schizophrenia , no suicidal thoughts, and no anxiety.Just leave all of it get out leave my head.I bet anyone reading my blogs that knew me like family or close real life friends would be freaking out if they read how i felt because they think im doing ok.My mom and grandma are still going to the mental illness classes but i never ask about what they are about or what they do i them.It is nice of them to go but i feel nothing towards it other then i hope they understand me at least a tiny bit of how someone with mental illness feels.People without mental illness dont undrstand what it is like for people who have it and it is absolutely frustrating.They always say its in your head or just stop I have had my mom tell me that before.Its like thanks for trying to know what im saying and i know they wont understand ,but at least try to see what im saying.Although i cant do that myself either really i have a hard time seeing others points of views.Thats all for tonight before i freakout or something goodnight everyone.