Road to Recovery

This picture basically represents how i never know best about anything o if i do know some things they are slowly burning out like im losing my intelligence slowly.Or you can take it as how i never know best is slowly turning into im finding my way and that saying is burning away.You can take it either way.Today my bestfriend wanted to play read dead online and i got on but he had to take his girlfriend to the ER because she is having severe backpain.So a couple hours passed and my friend gets back from his cruise and im hearing about it to just get a call from my bestfriend because i have a certain ringtone for him.It is 5 pm and thats when his works starts he asks me if i wanna play i said probably not.He said you knew i’d be back and why dont you want to get on like he was disappointed or something.He was saying your always on your computer and stuff and in all honesty it just felt like he was trying to guilt trip me so i just told him im gonna eat and go abck to my skype call.Then he said will you even get on later i said yeah and then he said you sure. That is the definition of guilt trip to me.It annoys the hell out of me.Anyway my friend just got back from his cruise and was telling me about is seems like hes happier since being back while i have been the opposite.Today im doing well no bad thoughts yet but they might still come so i shouldnt jinx myself.I am gonna go to my psych and tell him all of this then tell my therapist.Im starting to think that this is a depression factor.I am annoyed with anything and i dont give a a fuck about red dead online its not even fun for me i literally play with everyone just because they want me to and it feels like a chore.They even told me if you ditch red dead for league were gonna be disappointed or something along those lines.Like i dont care about what you guys have to say i dont want to play it everyday it just came out online and theres not a lot to do right now.I will play it just not all the time sure i play league because im addicted to it.I havent played one game today just done nothing all day i woke up at 2 or 3.I dont know what im doing anymore i called my mom last night and told her i was feeling suicidal told my grandma too.My mom ended up coming home at 2 am.I then went to my friends house at 3 or 4 and came home at 6 and slept at 7.No mom probably wants to hear that their kid is having these thoughts ,but i hardly open up to them but i did a little this time.My mom kept asking questions and my grandma told her to stop and i didnt even know but my grandma told me later that in the classes they told them not to ask too many questions.My gandma also told me to look at the folder and see what is true and not in the folder for me so they know.I can get through this i hope with what little hope i feel i have i know i can get through this in the end.I just dont like things getting worse.Im drinking some wine right now some white moscatto in fact.I am starting to sweat thats how i know im feeling it coming on im only have two glasses so ill be fine it is just to relax.Im relaxed right now and its good to talk to my friend again.Also my other friend is in the call the one i didnt like so much.He said hes moving back to 30 minutes away from me in 2 days.I dont think ill hang out with him still though i dont want to.Im tired of people trying to get me to do what they want im my own person ill do what i want respect that.If you cant talk to me later.This wine kicking in and making me sweat heavy.I’m just more and more slowly getting tired of things to the point where its like making a ticking time bomb in me.This is why I hate people even ones you trust do fucked up shit sometimes and i get no one is perfect ,but come on and i nkow things arent going to change if i dont speak up but im not confrontational.I wish i could go on a cruise right now.Like an ocean liner cruise.From what my friend said its really funThats all for today have a good day! and here is a song.

Update:I was talking to my other friend for awhile and he was talking about the killshots with a knife.I asked him about why people slit their wrist to commit suicide and he said it took 8 hours and people want attention when they do that.I said then how do people who really want to do it do it then.He said you can cut your arm at an angle so its hard to patch up if you get found or you can slice straight down the middle of both arms and bleed out in 30 minutes.He has attempted before.He was also saying you can cut your inner thigh and you would bleed out very quickly and it was an inch deep.It is hard for them to patch he said because going into the fat and muscle is hard.He wasnt only talking about suicide but mostly about knife fights and self defense but i turned the questions around in a suicide sense.Im not even suicidal at this moment but im still asking these questions why?that is all.