Travel

This picture basically represents that were all human we all have faults.Whethe you have mental illness , physical illness, or none at all we all have our problems no one is perfect.The quirks we have are what make us unique and nothing can change that.Even when I talk about my own problems my life isnt the only one in the world to care about inf act everyone cares about their own life in all.Everything revolves around you and how you perceive things.While I have my problems so do others.Something small to me can be a big deal to another.They could tell me a problem and i may think i would never freakout but they are in complete panic.So alls im saying is im writing my own opinions and how i feel not about how others feel.Starting that off i wanna mention I am gateful for all the traveling I have bee able to do this year it has been great.I went on a cruise in Europe and then went to hawaiii.Although i feel like i take it for granite i would love to go back and experience it again.In fact i want to study abroad in Japan and or move there for a bit.My friend also says he will be moving there eventually.I said i’d visit him whether it happens or not i don’t know but i would like for it to happen.I just want to see the sights and see beauty as it gives me some excitement.I have no energy right now ,but I have energy to type this.Typing away my feelings feels good and I dont want to ever stop.One day the day will come when i post my blog to people I know ,but that day is a long day away.I dont even know if i want to keep this private till the end unless i died then my friends spread it.As im typing right now to help myself im still catching myself stopping to help others.Sometimes i just feel like a programmed machine doing the same things over and over again.I’m not satisfied with that I want to live freely and be able to do things on my own.I want to be independent I want to have motivation I want to feel better and i most certainly want to feel normal.The question now is what is normality.What defines normal ,because no one is really normal they just hide thinsg and do things morally that society accepts.If society deems it appropriate then it is considered normal?I dont know.One day I will get my life together I still have that hope even though I have lost a lot of it I know i still have hope what am i tlaking about im doing fine right now.im living comfortably I have opportunities so why do i feel like the road is coming to an end.Well ill hold onto that hope and not let go no matter how much the darkness tries to envelope me.According to others I am a very nice person and get a long with others easily.Then i end up being distant with them.Then boom they are gone.I need to change for the better ,but when will it stat I keep saying im going to workout i keep saying im going to eat healthy but when will it start when i have the mindset to do it and i need to do it now.I cant just let myself actually get in a worse spot.I need to be strong for myself and for others even if i dont want to do things for others if i do its a step towards helping overall.I just pray to god i dont lose faith and myself as im slowly doing right now.Just not all the way let me see that light shining ddown through the mist no matter what.Today i went over Japanese with my friend again refreshing my mind again.It was nice as i want to really learn the language.I took a hit of weed today just because i said fuck it and i didnt hallucinate I just felt stoned like a regular person it was great ,but i dont plan on doing it often just that time for now.I know i have suppot yet i dont ask for their help and i dont know why.I just dont like being open for multiple reasons.Sometimes it triggers me sometimes I cant bare the thought of telling my problems to others and sometimes it is just i want to be on my ow and solve them myself which i know i cant do.I am seeking help but not through people i know because for some reason people i get anxiety badly opening up to family and friends.I cant be one do to face to face a lot too it also gives me anxiety.I have my psych appointment tomorrow and i will see how it goes.Then my therapist the next day.I have a lot to talk about.I eally am struggling and I just want to be better like all with mental illness.No one likes suffering unless they are like a masochist.I also hung out with my bestfriend today.It was nice we gamed then ate then went to gamestop.Im laughing a fake laugh with my friends as i type this because i feel blank right now and no one wants to hear about another persons problems.That is something I noticed when you bring up your not doing ok most turn a blind eye and avoid the subjct but why?My friend talks about his ms and his problems a lot but most think hes over exaggerating or just complaining and i dont want people to think that about me ,but why do people ignore and stigmatize mental illness or psychical illness.Like some people need someone to talk to.I dont really tlak to people about my problems ,but i listen to others anytime unlike some people.I guess everyone just wnats others to be fine and dandy so they can enjoy themselves i dont know.I think when you tell people about most of your problems they think about it at that moment but then just forget about it later.I understand its not someones job to make them about you ,but with everyone i noticed they talk about the problem then either the subject gets changed or the people just forget it later unless they really care.So some people actually hold onto things like a boyfriend or girlfriend or family and some friends.But why should people care about anothers problems we live life through each one of ourselves an deal with our own stuff so maybe thats why we cant always give the help to others i dont know im just speculating.Its just i hate the world more and more each day ,but i nkow its not peoples faults they cant understand other peoples illnesses even if they have the same one because everyone is unique.All in all the world is just one fucked place and conciousness is too much.Everything is too much to handle.Thinking about how others think would never work anyway no one ever knows what another is thinking.Humans are weird indeed.The way we have come so far through craziness is all amazing but saddening at the same time.Amazing to see what we can achieve and were still growing and sad ,because we still do pointless things and are not so advanced in the end at all in the end were still just impulse.We fight for stupid reasons we all argue for stupid reasons just because we believe what we know and think is right and their are like minded and non like minded people thats why there will be no one that is ever the same.No one will be alike.No matter how much you pretend or try to be like someone your not your you so stop trying to someone else and how i am and do things is me.When you think to deep or have disorganized thinking stuff just gets too crazy in your mind and plus anxiety and paranoia its all hell.That is all for today enjoy the rest of your day/night.