This picture represents two things or maybe even more.One way it represents me is people tell me I am not alone ,but i still feel like I am ,because im not understood or I think people dont care.Another thing is that so many people tell you your not alone ,but in reality you are because when you need them most they arent there for you.Like i said in my last blog people just forget about your problems unless they really care about you or just keep to themselves.Like an example if i have a breakdown this can be looked at from both sides ,but My friend just talks to me normal and not about the fact im freaking out or i need to vent or someone to listen.Maybe he is trying to calm me down by changing the subject or maybe hes ignoring the problem at hand thats how i take it I dont know my mind must be selfish or something.I cant seem to think positive.I saw my psych today and Im on the waiting list for group therapy again and I got put on an antidepressant.Hopefully i can feel better with it as maybe its the kick i need it even helps OCD a bit.Today while i was riding with my grandma to my appointment so we could eat lunch after she gave me her nami book which is the mental health classes she has been going to and I highlighted things that relate to me through all the classes she did so she can read them later.She was asking me some questions in the car about poking questions and even said tell me if you dont want to answer ,but i answered anyway as i tried to open up to family finally a little bit as i dont like doing it and i trust my grandma the most.Thats a step and each step i take im closer to the light.She also told me when i vented to my cousin during a breakdown that she told her dad which in return told my dad and i remember i told her i didnt love my dad or anybody.I remember my dad was in another state the same state as hr and my dad called me and said do you love me it all clicked in my head right then and there.Another reason you cant trust people see how my brain works knowing my cousin did that makes me think even my grandma might tell my mom what i said secretly as she has also told some things i told her not to say before.So now that i thought of this right now my trust has dwindled and i furthur go back inside the dark room that is my mind not wanting to vent or say how i feel.Now ill be more careful with my words all because of one thing.My mind goes from 0-100 real fast.I just remembered I saw on facebook it asked me what im thankful for so i put a picture of my hawaii trip and said im thankful for all the trips ive been on.What a lie that was in hawaii i mostly just stayed in my room and i wasnt even happy it was a penthouse room i just wanted to be on my phone I went out to eat 2 times on the 3 day trip.I take things for granite and i cant help it my grandma when i was telling her im not really excited about much she said you were excited about the europe trip which i wasnt really I just pretended to be I was happy about going when i was there because of all the sights but i wasnt too excited at first and when the time came i was just thinking well here we go.I do like travelling though ,but since im not independent and have bad anxiety I fear everything foreign.I did love the sights and took a lot of pictures.I even stayed on the boat most of the time because i was to afraid to go into the city.The times i did go out I was with guides but sometimes the guides left us after the tour and thats when i freaked out wearing my grandma down about how we need to get to the boat now NOW!Even though the boat just got there and wasnt leaving till night and it was 10 am.I even knew i was wearing out my grandma so when she got back off the next tour which i decided to stay back because my feet hurt i said lets eat in the city so we did only for me to have a panic attack and my grandma aksing me if i want to talk about it and me aggressively saying no i just need to be alone.So we ate without talking till my meds kicked in.I fear too many things everything is in the way and it all sucks.I still dont want to say I have depression or he think i do im still in denial to this very moment the only thing that makes me think i could have it is that i feel suicidal or having suicidal thoughts.Which can be a thing for depression.If i think about it my blog posts are always sort of negative and looking down on myself so i dont know i notice those things ,but i still think its not depression the more and more i look up things about depression they relate wqith things with my schizophrenia so how do i know which is which or if i even have depression.Do i feel blank because of schizophrenia ?depression? meds?I dont know i dont know anything about myself so how would i know anything about others.If i feel suicidal badly again I will call the hotline.My friends just want to  tlak and play games with me but i just need to focus on myself thats why i dont tlak much around people i also distance from people until they message me.I dont put effort in they do thats how it works.That i also how i slowly lose friends who give up on me eventually even though I had good times or what should be considered a good time.Like when I messaged my old friend from middle school we started gaming then she took me to korean bbq with her friends and took me to a concert with her friends even asked me to go with her to 7/11 and get slushies at 1 am.What did i do i distanced myself and now we barely talk.I dont care that we barely tlak im just saying how i distance myself.If i was a strong minded person i could of had so many good friendships ,but i alck connections and isolate myself.Which is similar with schizophrenia and depression.So many similarities yet so many differences.Its all a puzzle ic ant solve what is what why am i the way i am.Who knows doesnt matter anyway.That makes me come to another thought why do others feel connections with people and why care about people like say a friend why do they care about another friend or someone like me even though i give no effort.Lets say a therapist why would they actually care about their patients what benefit do they gain.If my therapist read this i think she would ask me do i think she cares and i would probably say yes ,but i doubt in my mind in reality for i see no reason to.A therapist sees so many people how could they care for every single one of them.what is even caring i dont know.I wish i could see all the good in life isntead of the dark it would be nice.I dont even know what i truly want in life i dont even think being rich would make me happy.I dont think any job would make me happy maybe a girlfriend i dont know ,but i do know there is hope.Tonight will be my first night taking the antidepressant lexapro lets see how it goes goodnight everyone.

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