This picture represents how i think we are all just programmed like our personalities dont change so i wonder to myself am i a machine?I think and act the same way all the time so how am i not one.Yesterday I saw my therapist and told her i felt worse when i vented or when its night time .She wants me to stop talking to friends after 9 pm to see if it helps ,but im finding a hard time doing that.I went to bed at 4 pm yesterday woke up at 11 pm then tlaked for a bit then went to my bestfriends house.Went back to my house slept at 5 am till 11:30 am then couldnt get out of bed till 4 pm.I was too drowsy.My therapist thinks i should check myself in to a mental hospital if I have bad suicidal thought again or right now even.Im too scared to go and she told me whats more important your life or help.I said help but now that i think about it what importance does my life have.If i get suicidal again ill call the hotline or something im scared to go to the er.I have been doing good these past two days though.I just drank 3 cups of coffee and it made me all shaky i never drink coffee but i had to because i couldnt get out of bed.Sometimes i wish i knew what was on the other side ,but then mysteries would be solved.I went to my friends house a night or two ago and had to leave because all he did was game.I dont think im addicted to anything really other then my antipsychotic. No matter what anyone tells me I dont think i have an addictive personality I dont drink really or use weed and i take pills as needed.I think my therepaist thinks im over prescribed but i know i dont abuse them so i know im ok.My therapist has been concerned with how much alcohol i used to drink when i did ,but that was just once in awhile i hardly drink.I have also come to realize that my friend has a toxic friendship with the friend i dont like more then anyone i know.They always argue one blocks the other gets pissed and they always add each other back i know why my one friend i dont like does its because he has no other friends my other friend says he sees th good in him when theres not so much good in is toxic and i bet everyone else would think so too and he called my friendship bad before his is way worse.I dont know if he feels bad for him or what ,but my friend has complained about me ditching him for games when he leaves to talk to the other guy because no one else gets a long with him.He is overall a bad person not bad but cant control his emotions and overreacts.I wish my friend would understand that its a toxic friendship sure it has its good moments but you gotta decide if the good outweigh the bad.which the bad outweigh the good for me so if he wants to stay in it fine by me but he always messages us about how they argued all the time.I had a good talk for 2 hours with another friend it was very good.I need motivation and i dont know how to get it.God give me strength.I cant wait to get back in group therapy.I find it funny how no matter how good friends or family you are there comes a time and palce they make you mad or do stupid shit.Thats a reason i hate people.I dont want everyone to be perfect im just saying people suck sure theirs good in them but theirs always bad and everybody has faults but i cant help but hate it.I know if i lookd at myself from another pointof view id hate me too im no exception.Thats why if we were in a hgiher state of being we wouldnt have to deal with this and can be thinking or whos differently.The afterlife might be a better world not saying i want to go there just saying if i hate how things are then the otherside would be better.I know that sounds suicidal but im not suicidal right now.Im just saying no matter whats on the other side a heaven or blankness or some unknown afterlife would all be better if you hate everything .I may sound selfish but it doesnt matter when people die their problems are gone for them even if your sad they might be living life in the afterlife we dont know.Another thing is why i have doubts about religions is like christianity for example if god is so all loving why would he send those to hell who dont believe thats not loving and its contradicting.Then the next question comes how were we created I believe a higher bveing created us with concious minds and i have even thought before that im the only concious one the rest are fake.Some would say thats a delusion i dont care.sure some can say evolution is the real answer and theirs proof but what created the bacteria what created earth sure their are theories for that too like the big bang theory and multiple others but they are all just theories we dont know the real answer like i said before we just want an answer to find a reason why were here.Think deep people we were created by something and it is unsolved to what created us.therefore in my opinion some sort of higher being created all this unique things no way some blast could do that.It is also weird how psychedelics like dmt make you thing un comprehendable.Another dimension if you would say.Some people that do it like one guy who said he was with the dmt gods they told him he would return there when he died so when he was out of the trip he no longer feared death while the opposite happens to others where they fear death more.People see things they cant comprehend like talking to entities and everything is so mysterious i just hope when we die we can all know the answers.death is such a mystery yet everyone dies.So one day we will all know.I just want to look at the stars with a partner and travel and spend time with someone.maybe that would give me motivation.i just want to live life.So many people inf act everybody thinks not completely the same.far from it and it is crazy how much we have advanced since more beginner times.I want to deep tlak with someone like a partner someone i can trust fully with no judgement and they love me and i can maybe have a connection with them too.I need to put my self out there and stick to it i know i can i just need motivation thats all i need.I dont just want to be in my room but do at the same time you know?Life is one big mystery and we cant know even 1% of everything  eve though we discover more and more everyday.I felt like most of the times to talk to girls im interested in i need to take a xanax ,but ic ant always rely on that but then id be awkward.I can be very social in the right situations have done it before but i isolate myself.I dont want a fake ass girlfriend or one that isnt real i just want a nice and compatible person thats right for me.talking under the stars is one big thing i want to do and thats the best time to have deep convo about anything like the meaning of life death aliens sex anything.I just want someone to fully trust.I know im a very nice person ,but one thing im insecure about is my body weight and when i get motivation ill go to the gym.I just got to see the good in things.I dont need to be in a psych ward right now.that would just add stress.Imstressed out alot though by everything friends , family, confrontation.all of it.Dont you think it would be crazy if we could go ito a mindstate of another person and see how they feel and see thigns then go back.Like me with my schizophrenia and my friend with ms if we switchd minds for a second and see how each feels it would bring an understanding.or a normal mind into a suicidal depressed mind.then they would understand.I think it is great there are so many galaxies and planets and stars and the beautiful pictures of space we get its all great.The fact we dont know things is probably for the better.If everyone knew everything or had telepathy what would be the point on the individual mind you couldnt hide anything.People ned their own thoughts to be unique and be indivdual.I may sound crazy saying stuff like this ,but  its just thoughts.Something else id like to talk about under the stars are dreams.Like what do you think dreams are what they mean.what are your dreams you remember?Whats the purpose of dreams what causes them all that.All the diffeent highs people feel from drugs or from running or working out how each one affects differently and gives different feelings.You know someone tripping off dmt when they come back they cant remember most of it ,but maybe thats how are minds could be when we die a dmt like state forever who i said one day we will find out.Lifes a trip.Some go the short road some the long and some get stopped short accidently.I want to talk about these subjects i have tried with friend but they are either not into it or think im crazy.Sure sometimes i got crazy thoughts but some you know you can think about too.the facts humans have faults could eventually be their downfall.Like how we go to war protest kill use weapons all of that.I could go on for days about stuff.ike dont you think it is crazy how babies are born just from mating and it makes a fetus that grows into a baby a baby that will later have a concious mind and in its first years wont remember it later and learns skills fast in certain ages and keep growing till they are like 20.Life is a miracle to some extent.How a conscious mind can just be made from nothing is the work of something like we dont even really know the meaning of how it happens sure the sperma nd egg meet but how does everything really work of that was made possible.Im just rambling but im just thinking thoughts.The fact that people with schizophrenia like me can hear and see things and others cant and no one knows causes.Could you imagine hallucinating all the time whether its seeing or hearing things.Getting delusions and disorganized thoughts and many other symptoms.We live completely different lives until we can hopefully get better.Some people do drugs to hallucinate while others like schizophrenics who dont want to halluciate or are so out of it they dont know reality that is scary.Buy books about autobiography’s about people and their schizophrenia the autobiography of a schizophrenic girl is a very good book she tlaks about her delusions and how she saw the world before she got better.Unfortunately ic ant remember much of when i was younger and i still have symptoms but at least not the voices anymore.Some delusional thinking and everyone says i have good insight as most dont know their ill.I still have a hard time identifying stuff like foreign feelings or how to explain my problems ,but im hanging in there.Alls i know is i used to have violent voices and thought with them thinking demented thoughts with them and had violent tendencies i almost killed my mom for christs sake and she didnt even know.after i took med id still hear voices but not those ones more like them saying bad things about people and still sort of fucked up thoughts.Paranoia i have very badly and other things like disorganzied thoughts lack of hygiene apathy and many others.I have to live with though and its all i know so im used to it.Anxiety is a very hard thing to with ocd and now some depressional factors.Its all too much bu hey what can you do.I was just thinkign about giving my bog to my grandma but thats one step more to being seen.I dont know if i trust her with it because if my blog spread right now i ight actually hurt myself i want no matter what my family not to read it other then my grandma.I trust her but i ahve doubts too.I dont know if it is a good idea but i know she wouldnt spread it and if she did id change the domain name.I want her to read this mostly so she can see my true feelings ,but at the same time i dont know how it would affect her so i dont want her to freak out.You know what i shouldnt even care what happens so i might give it to her.these are all thoughts i have.That is all for tonight have a goodnight!Here is a song

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