Just Another Day

This picture represents me in a couple ways one is I try to put on a happy face but the bad stuff overcomes it so like it says i rather liked being excited for a little bit even if it was an illusion.Another way it represents me and ill give an example is when i wear a mask and help people and eventually tell them i just dont care about problems in general of other people so that means theirs too and they know it.Then they slowly stop tlaking more openly i notice a change thats why it is better off not telling people that there is no benefit.An example is i told a friend I knew for 5 years thatĀ  i didnt care about peoples problems and too many people try and talk to me and i cant take all of it at once.Keep in mind she is one of those people.She had a bad day one day and I started sending her all kinds of messages that seemed heartfelt and she said you dont have to pretend to care.Those words sunk in like a fear.Like its a #1 fear because i know they know that its all an act or just that i dont really mean the things i say.So now i dont know if she will talk about problems anymore or trust me thats what happens.Anyway today is a bumming kind of blank day.I feel just blank I got my ct scan done today and dont get to see the doctor till the 7th of january.I wonder to myself because i dont usually vent but lately ive been needing help so much that i been trying to tlak to people but they’re all the wrong people to talk to they either dont say anything or acknowledge they are listening.It doesnt matter anyway as i just want to speak and let my words out either here or out loud.I was watching a video earlier today that says eventually people who arent mentally ill like caretakers like a friend or parent have a hard time taking at some point.Like a burnout because lets be real having anxiety and talking about problems a lot is exhausting I know because so many people talk to me about them.I found out today that i get an intake for group therapy on monday and cant wait for that.I also gave my grandma my blog as she said she would accept it since i trusted her just hoping that wasnt a mistake i second guess everything.I start DnD on sunday which is cool.I started drinking some coffee which i never do and last night i drank like 3 cups in like 20 minutes and had to take anxiety meds because of how shaky i was getting.I have lost interest in games and it sucks im not enjoying things as i have before.Not even my favorite stuff.I just want this antidepressant to kick in and see if it works.A lot of people tell me they dont work for depression that i know for them anyway but ill see how it goes for me.I was reading an article about delusions and I read one about cortards syndrome where someone believes they are dead.This sparked a memory for when i was in the psych ward there was a lady who actually thought she was dead and everyone would tell her shes not ,but who knows whos alive and whos dead in this world anymore.Like what does being alive even mean.I could talk about how we could be a simulation or other things but then id sound crazy.I dont like to talk about all the things i think mostly because i feel sometimes ill be judged so i keep it to me.It makes me uncomfortable to talk about things too.I wonder what goes on in other peoples minds it would be interesting to see minds of other people not their thoughts perhaps but their state of mind.I like learning about the mind and like psychology.I hav weird habits and like things i do out of habit all the time and i wouldt even say them on here as I just dont want to.Going back to one of my habits is my spatula spinning.I still do it all the time and it is still always enjoyable ,but as of late i havent been able to put much effort into seeing my own reality and another thing is i sometimes dont even remember doing it all the time like i remember my stories i just never catch myself spinning unless i think of it conciously.I need some enjoyment for anything right now I hate feeling blank.Just imagine feeling nothing no interest no motivation and a foggy mind thats always sedated thats me.Everyonce in awhile i get excited or think things are funny but what do i actually enjoy.I dont know.I dont know anything about myself i cant identify much about myself other then simple things.I cant type anymore tonight so im signing off night everyone heres a song.

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