Consume

This picture speaks for itself.I am starting to not know what happiness is anymore like im not enjoying any of the things i used to like such as going out hanging with friends and many others at least i still enjoy talking.I notice everyones got their own problems going on ,so i think i understand why everyone stays to themselves.Last night I had a ver bad depressive time.I was just listening to sad music with my camera on while all my friends were having a blast and kept asking me to play with them to which i replied a simple no.I was just watching night time driving in japan with sad music i was entranced until i realized i was hungry.I then went to burger king and when i went driving in the night i realized that i snapped out of the depressive episode.By leaving my room and doing something it went away maybe i can do this for future reference ,but i have tried to do this in the past ,but to no avail.I just heard the guy tlaking in this song and thought you should hear what he says.

Listen to what he says i think it has some sort of good meaning.I am glad i get the intake for group therapy monday as i can finally try and get more help.I want to try and put my self out there more and find a girlfriend or make more friends but i lack motivation still.I had a good talk with my bestfriend on the phone today and he said he will be there anytime for me.I feel as though i should feel appreciative but i dont really only when it happens in the moment.Like when i was suicidal that night from the breakdown and he picked me up that time i actually felt appreciation.Other then that i take it for granite and dont feel anything about it i told him over the phone i feel bad for leaving him when he needed help but i dont really so why did i lie for what reason?What reason did i ahve to say that i could of said nothing  and stuff would of been the same.I notice these things about myself where i tell people about stuff that isnt true such as that example or another one is that girl i dated before online that lied about her age she sent me a song last night saying she is sorry for lying and still loves me and told me she thinks my feelings for her are gone.I said i still cared for her and always will when the truth is i dont care for her and just said that to maybe make her feel better i dont know.Why do i say these things without meaning them it goes back in my mind like a loop.”better karma?manipulation?acceptance?manipulation?Am i manipulative?Am i a bad person?I cant be because i help others im kind everyone says im kind. No your a bad person your manipulating others feelings when you dont mean them.liar liar liar.shut up i just have to remind myself im kind smart and got morals when i think like this.Your losing everyone slowly.dont tell others about your problems it will make them talk to you less.They dont need to know my issues anyway.I can solve things myself.no i cant.I need the help.what kind of help do i need.im scared of help.will i make it in life.yeah i will.then why arent you doing something about your life.i dont know i really dont.why cant i find enjoyment in anything.maybe trying to go out or forcing myself will make a change.i hate life.Ill find meaning in life i promise.no i wont .yes i will no matter what .I wont let me problems stop me.i toos cared to go back to school i cant do it.I can do it i know i can.I have to go to school i cant afford to not go .I still ahvent signed up for it yet its too late.whats going to happen when my dad finds out im doing nothing again?I cant take the pressure.I know ill get through this though.” when you read between the ” ” thats my mind thinking and fighting with itself.It just never stops and i wish it would thinking good is all i want to do ,but the negative is just creeping in all the time.Mind just work right lsiten to me for christs sake.I see why people call earth hell or living hell.I think that this world may be hell and when we die we will see the better.Some say it would be a blessing if they felt less emotion because tey feel too much.I think its not good because then your masking everything so you dont look like a sociopath you have to act like you care to keep your friendships intact. Feeling too much emotion i would like to see how that feels for a bit  if i could.Why would some say they want to feel numb maybe it is bcause they feel so much pain that they want it to stop.The only pain i feel right now is my problems weighing on me and i wouldnt call it pain.I think everyones pain is different some people killthemselves over a broken up relationship the pain they felt is strong to them in that moment where they couldnt handle it.While others can feel pain from it but move on.I dont like defining me being depressed sometimes and ahving anxiety or my schizophrenia as pain.Im not hurting I deal with it and suffer but not the word pain.I use the word pain as to describe physical or maybe emotional pain.but arent suffering and pain the same thing i dont know.to suffer for me is to be bothered and ic ant really explain suffering but i know i wouldnt use pain ,but i have heard others say they feel pain in depression so maybe everyones meanings or diufeerent for each person and unique.I dont want to suffer so i am making steps to get help.But i dont care what ahppens other then i dont want to get worse.I can handle things right now if i had to.I remember before i went to the psych ward i cried in my moms room yelling i dont want to go back i dont want to go back ,because i was scared no terrified of being my old delusional self.Now that im better i dont want to go back tot hat hell and im not even fully better just better enough to where i dont have to suffer that bad.I didnt even know i was suffering at that point either.I thought everything was normal did i was told to see a psych.thats when i found out i have schizophrenia.then meds made me better not fully but better.can you imagine voices telling you to kill your parents and you agreeing and almost doing it and things i still cant remember that was going on.it was  very bad i dont like to think on it.thats all for tonight i think i posted this song before but here it is.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s