Wired

This picture represents me telling myself no matter what keep your sanity keep your morals and your kindness.I dont want to lose all that.So lately i have been sleeping all day so i started drinking coffee to stay awake and ordered some caffeine pills.I drink like 3 giants mugs at  a time just like i did right now and i have energy and alertness ,but nothing to do.It sucks like i could workout right now or play games but i lack all the interest to do so.I got depressed only once or twice the past week so far which isnt good but better then everyday.Right now im just alert and awake and dont have intrest to do anything so im just watching videos all hyped up and now typing in my blog just to do something.Earlier today my friend was talking about how we should all go on a cruise together and i want to.My friend said if i went with him to colorado he would get me out of my comfort zone.Thats fine but idk what crazy ideas hes got going.I dont even know what to type i have no interest in anything right now and maybe will just tlak about some random things ,but before that a thought.I feel like im doing the same thing everyday as of this moment and its a daily ritual.Me not doing anything productive and just talking with friends and not even talking all the time.It is more like me just isolating myself to the max.I need to change something but what i cant figure out for myself.I need something to change i need something to happen but i cant seem to do anything on my own will as if im not myself.I have lack of motivation ,no interest, and lack of caring for things All my problems are just one big cocktail and its just getting worse because i not changing and only i can do that.Im seeking hep and i hope to start group therapy soon so i can do something everyday and get going because i need anything.It would feel good to talk in a group too.I usually have panic attacks in groups but not my group therapy and they want me to go to AA meetings when im not even addicted to anything.I dont smoke weed anymore and barely drink.The last thing i did was kratom which was last night to relax and it is legal.I wouldnt even say im physically addicted to my xanax or klonopin or ambien.Maybe mentally but not physically.I dont want to go to AA meetings they wont help me and im not gonna be a sober for the rest of my life person or whatever they want me to be.I only drink like once every 3 months and i will continue to drink when i feel in the right mood.Sure when i drink for fun i get super drunk but i never blacked out.Just because i did marijuana once while in gorup in the past they want to drug test me now and go to the meetings.I’ll go to the meetings but i wont be nice about it as i do not need help with substances.I wouldn’t even say i have an addictive personality.I have so many drugs i could abuse if i wanted yet i dont.I have muscle relaxers codein xanax klonopin ambien that are all precribed in my name and guess what i take everything as needed and havent touched my codeine or msuscle relaxers because i havent needed it.Tell me how i’ve got an addictive personality or i abuse drugs.Sure in the pas ive used weed for fun or drink alcohol for fun ,but how often i do it i hardly call it abuse.Then you would say its not about how often its about how much you do.Like the fact i take 10 shots in like 30 minutes when i drink sometimes.Sure thats bad ,but like i said i drink for fun once in awhile with friends or when tlaking to friends online never to escape.I dont use anything to escape or then xanax and klonopin to escape anxiety.Sure in my blog post before i said i wanted to blackout to get out of a bad mood.I never did it though im not stupid.Kratom is also to relax or for fun once in awhile.I have had my kratom for 6 months ad am barely doing it again ive only done it twice in the past 6 months.Al this shit is just bullshit to me about drugs im fine and sure someone whos an addict would say that ,but im really sober mostly so why do they think i need aa meetings.My friend said he loves me right now while im writing this blog and i believe him i just dont really know what the feeling is like so i cant take it in other then hes there for me which i take for granite.I just want to love and care and feel normal and its all shit.I feel distance with everyone.I am making myself alone.My friend knows i try with him and hes gives his best effort but when will he eventually give up is how i look at it.I isolate from everyone so i really hope i get authorized for group therapy so i can get better in multiple ways.Signing out.