Complications

This picture represents the monster i feel i am in the mist or the fog trying to escape to outside the fog where the guy is standing.The guy standing is a normal person while im suffering and stuck in the fog and the problems have become so big to me that is why the thing behind the fog is so large.My mind is so foggy the stuff you cant see is stuff i dont know why its happening as you can see you only see the hands so the rest is unknown hardships.This picture can also represent the fact that a person that cares for me only sees my hands in the mist and dont know much else behind the mist because i dont open up.All while im trying to escape.Yesterday my friend called me and asked me to game with him this is my bestfriend im talking about.I said not today then he started going on about i never want to do things when he asks and i kept saying id play and i always make excuses.Then I said i was going to hang up and secretly i was stressed out and then he told me you never want to get out of your shell and i was telling him its hard i have no motivation and interest then he compared with me and said i have depression and lack of interest and i still do things.After he heard me breathing heavily a little because i started getting triggered he said im not trying to stress you i told him then he wasnt but he really was.He then told me he just wants to help me get out of my shell and i told him i just cant right now im trying to go to group therapy and get help and everything but i just cant do it right now.He also told me earlier on the phone i just do the same things every day.I hung up after he calmed down but it was too late he teiggered a bunch of suicidal thoughts in my head.”will i ever get out of my box” “what if i dont get better””Life is hell””im going nowhere in life” these were all thoughts i was getting i kept getting thoughts of hurting myself i then went back to my computer.Everyone on the computer was laughing enjoying their time and i just couldnt take it so i left and messaged my friend sorry im having suicidal thoughts i cant be in call with everyone right now.he saw it later and messaged me ,but i didnt want to talk right then.I called suicide prevention hotline ,because things got bad im even tearing up thinking about it.I remember putting clothes on in case they called the police on me which i believed they were i first was trying to do the chat online but there was a queue so i called and got an instant answer they answered and i said “Im not going to commit suicde right now but im having very bad suicidal thoughts and i need to tlak things out”.She told me can you call back in 10 minutes i have to call 911 on someone i then said ok.this was making me think they are going to call the cops on me.I was getting strong urges to cut myself.I called back 10 minutes later and eventually my anxiety meds kicked in and i felt sleepy so i told her i was fine and she said ok get some sleep.i woke up my mom and told her a little bit how i was feeling now she doesnt like my bestfriend and i tried telling her he is a good friend its just that not everyone is perfect.In all reality though thats what i mean when i say i hate people it could be your bestfriend and they do shit like this  to you guilt tripping comparing.Everything is so stressful.I keep getting thoughts even now  “should i look in my dads toolbox for a box cutter in case i wann slice my arm straight down the middle and bleed out” or “what if i just took all my klonopin and i would blackout before i died and wouldnt even know.”Im getting these thoughts constantly so many different things and i hate it.I dont want to die and then sometimes i do.I feel like whatever is on the other side is better then here at some times.At this point i feel as if im close to giving up im getting images in my head of me bleeding out all over the hallway and my brother seeing me and getting rushed to the hospital.I keep saying i trust myself and i wouldnt do it ,but i think the truth is i dont trust myself i feel like i could do something stupid at anytime.I dont want to go back to the psych ward.Im afraid of what will happen.Sure i can get the help ,but i feel as if it would be different then my first time.I just want to go to group therapy so i wish they would hurry up.The suicide prevention lady told me i should give them a call.I hate this.My mind is all over the place and blank at the same time.They asked me if i had a plan to kill myself when i called i said no but i think if i wanted to i have two plans.I dont think anybody really cares about your problems because they have their own or they just want things to be a happy place happy world.well guess what the world isnt a happy place its a hell.Thats why i say the afterlife whatever it may be is going to be a better place then here no matter what whether theres a heaven or nothingness i mean we all are going to end up dead anyway so why not go sooner.These are just thoughts im not going to hurt myself right now.I realize im unstable ,but i can hold on at this moment.I dont know what i have to hold on but ill hold onto my own hope as i dont care about anyone else right now or anything.My hope is my only care and if i need help to get it then so be it.That is all for tonights blog.I have been listening to two songs for 2 days straight all day so here they are if you wanna listen.The first one i like the sound of its like heaven to the ears and the second one is like a suicidal song.Here they are.

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