This picture represents how im afraid family and friends will react if i tell them how my feelings are and what i feel.I close my heart and by that i mean i dont talk about my problems to a lot of people unless i vent a small portion every once in awhile.Im slowly opening up to my grandma she said she was going to read my blog today for the first time i dont know how she will react.Only time will tell.I feel very content today I feel stupid that i even had suicidal thoughts.I know though that i can switch from content and clear blank thinking to i want to die.Alls i know is im glad i am clear minded today.I took 400 mg caffeine pills today and as i was talking to my grandma she said it sounded like my breath was shallow or short breathing.I noticed i was sweating too and pacing all throughout the house.I then had tot alk to my grandma the whole time while my parents were coming home and i paced the whole time speaking fast.Yesterday i had to pull my online friend aside and tlak to him about my suicidal thoughts he was telling me that if i hurt myself it would just cause sadness thats all it does.He also said it would be a waste of potential of life.He is right if i killed myself I dont know what i could of achieved.That hit me hard.He was also telling me since he knows i would like to date someone to see if my problems go away and have a connection he said i got to get my life together and were the only ones that make our final choices.He said a lot more but i forgot what else he said.Right now I feel happy almost from not having suicidal thoughts.It is a relief because when i am in that mindstate i dont trust myself and i feel as if i could do something stupid.My friend also said if i get bad enough then promise him ill go to the ER i said i would ,but then later i told him i feel at the same time i wouldnt trust myself to want to go to the Er.I told my ad im not doing well mentally because he was on the subject of my brother freaking out over some stuff and an arguemnt with my mom.He said what do you mean your not doing well and i told him im declining again and im getting depression and suicidal thoughts to which he said it really bothers me to hear that we would be devastated if we lost you.I looked away and said i dont want to talk about to which he said you have to understand from our point of view and then he kept tlaking but i blocked it out as i was having suicidal thoughts and saying that to my dad for the first time was stressful.He started talking about how i need to go to church more and have more faith in god and not let the devil take my soul.I wanted to say something back so bad but couldnt find the willpower.I was thinking in my head at the time gods not gonna save me meds are ,but then i remembered my friend said put your faith in god too he wouldnt put you through what you cant handle.I dont know if he meant that or ot because in the past he wasnt religious even got drunk one night and said how much he hated religion,but lately he has been talking about god so maybe something changed in his heart.And back on the topic of when my dad said you have to see it from our point of view well guess what i dont see it from your view only mine.Im not confrontational so i dont talk much but i wanted to tell him i cant see it from your view only mine.Even when people say they would be devastated if i died i think of all the people who would probably be happy and i wouldnt like to let them win.Thats just my mind though i dont see how everyone would be devastated and it wouldnt really be my problem if i was dead.Im not having suicidal thoughts right now just thinking of stuff i thought about yesterday.Im feeling good though right now and thats good enough for me.I had a friend tell me she was feeling suicidal out of nowhere about 30 minutes ago and i told her things I have learned from other people.That is how i think im good at making people feel better since i dont really understand how they feel I use what i feel and what others tell me to help another person out.Though i can not fully sympathize with anyone I will still try and be there for my friends.I read in a book about schizophrenia today.To sympathize with someone you need to put yourself in their shoes and people with schizophrenia one can not fully put their self in their shoes so it is abstract pity.The most you can do is try to learn about it and sympathize as much as possible.I liked that saying.It also helped me learn more about stuff about my own self as i already knew my random laughter or laughter to wrong situations was not normal.It said in the book laughter out of nowhere is something i forgot but i laugh out of nowhere a lot.My friend thinks my ambien is causing my depression and thoughts of suicide ,but it all happened when i had a melt down.So i dont think that is a cause i just got triggered form my already stemming problems.That is all for today.

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