Consume

This picture represents darkness consuming you.Simple enough pure blackness starting on the hand slowly creeping up i dont know how much of me is consumed ,but the blackness is more on my brain spreading slowly.So good news all around so far I havent had a suicidal thought or depression in 5 days.I am happy about that and i stopped lexapro and stated the wellbutrin.Im just thinking in my head though i called my psych to ask if i could drink alcohol at all while on this med he said like a glass of wine.He said i could have a seizure if i took like 5 shots and stuf that he explained to me.He even said over the phone saying you cant have 10 shots on it knowing already that i told him about me drinking alot before when i did drink.I then told my friend no matter what if i go on a cruise then im stopping the med because im about to turn 21 and if im on a cuise then i should be able to drink on a cruise.I dont care about the bar or drinking with friends.The other thing i been thinking of is when i switched from lexapro to wellbutrin in between the switch i didnt have suicidal thoughts and i think in my mind it just was a phase from my breakdown i had.I think ight now im better and i dont need an anti depressant.I also think if i tried getting off it he would think it is because of the alcohol.which it isnt.I just dont want to have to take more meds everyday if i dont need it.I know for a fact i dont want to be on an antidepressant my whole life.Another thing is i think it is giving me increasd anxiety i walked into target my first or second day on it and i felt like i was going to cry.I had to take an anxiety med and had my klonopin and xanax on me.I had nothing to drink though but luckily klonopin tastes like candy when dissolving it under your tongue so thats what i did.Everything felt odd to me morelike foreign.I was thinking in my head is the med or is this like a mini episode.I kept following my friend and people started tlaking to me and my best friend kept saying everything is going to be alright and we parked in the back of the store and i kept thinking we were gonna get robbed or jumped.As we were walking to the back a car shouted at my friend.He walked to the car and it was another friend he hasnt seen in awhile but everything to me felt so odd and he even said my name as i left.Not only that ,but my friend wanted to drive around for a long time I was just thinking in my head were gonna crash or get hit.Not only that but my friend said he was super high which only elevated my freaking out.We endd up getting food and then going to his house only for him to sa his girlfriend wanted tacos from the other side of the city.My friend said he wanted to go to the place but its alittle sketchy and he was like if this guy has a gun im gonna tell him to fight me sure ill be scared but ill fuck him up if i see him.He was paranoid because this kid that he used to tlak to said he was going to shoot him for ignoring him.Long story but as we arrived to the place my best friend says theres a kid in there and i was hoping it wasnt the guy.He said again if i see him ill fuck him up.At this point im in a living hell and freaking out soo badly but the klonopin kicked in but i was still freaking out but not as bad just quiet and looking all around me as i walk into the store.I just want to get out of there my friend walked back outside to get his phone leaving me inside.after that he came back in and the number for his food came up.He then said i should of gotten hot sauce as we left and went to 7/11 to get some.I saw tweakers out front so i stayed in the car listening to the music.The car keys were left in an a truck to my right stopped i was thinking i was gonna get carjacked.He came backa nd said they didnt have any and wanted to borrow from me i said i just wanted to go home.He dropped me off and i just went inside without giving him some because he forgot.That was all in a span of like 2 hours that happened.Today i went to my grandmas house for two days saying i was gonna spend the night and then went home at dark or near dark.I even got anxiety just talking to my uncle.That normally doesnt happen.So i think im better off without the med ,but ill stay on it and tlak to him about it.The med gives dopamine and energy which can make my psychotic symptoms worse so ill tell him about this .Another bit of good news is i start my group therapy on wednesday and am going to stay full length.Another way i said id stay on this med is if it gave me motivation and interest.My psych even said if he was on 8 mg of risperdal he would be a zombie well he just made a zombie face.I can do this without an antidepressant though i think.I want to try without it.I wont just get off it myself without advice though but i want it away from me before im stuck on it.I think im fine without it.Like i said i think it was just from the breakdown i had thats where the thoughts stemmed from and now i have been fine since.5 days may be short to tell but i dont think the med has even had enough time to get in my system to relieve depression and i havent had a thought in 5 days.Plus i dont know if its making me more anxious and or paranoid.My mind is all over the place so thats all for tonight.Here is a song.

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