Unreality

This picture represents how people say i am nice and kind and that i help a lot of people ,but they dont give the same back.So yesterday i was tlaking to a friend trying to help them and to which she said she had to stop talking about herself it was making her sadder so i apologized and she said it wasnt me.Then i somehow later got on the topic that i have a hard time connecting with people and relating and connecting.Like for example she hates people and i hate people.She hates people because everyone is so happy and she cant be i hate them for a completely different reason.She said if you cant ealte with some stuff or something then you dont have to help everyone because it will sound forced and fake.That gave me the hint thats what she thought about my help.It gave me anxiety making me think is my help really seem fake and forced.Made me wonder am i forcing myself to help people and other stuff.I was also telling her how i felt like a zombie wearing a mask.Get it like no one knows im a zombie because they dont see the real me or my face.I talked about how things dont feel real and she said yeah things dont feel real to her ,but again i think we meant things in a different sense.I have no clue how she meant it  ,but i meant it as if everything feels foreign and when i said to her everything feels unreal it triggered me in a way and i got stuck in a crazy loop.Not an anxiety loop like a straight freakout mode thinking about how everything is fake and nothing is real.I had to take an anxiety med to calm down because i was still having anxiety feeling like it seemed i forced my help plus the loop on unreal.That is why i dont like talking about my problems because when i think on them it triggers me and i start going freak mode in my mind and acting weird.I stopped taking my wellbutrin on my own terms because its increasing my anxiety and I have been getting the feeling of paranoia and foreign.I dont need dopamine or energy i can just take caffeine for energy.Once i stat group therapy i’ll be fine I think still that the breakdown i had caused a small time lingering suicidal thoughts.That breakdown was because i got in a loop about my problems.I am going to tell my psych the next time i see him that i stopped it and my reasons for it.If i go back to having suicidal thoughts ill take it again but i dont think i will as before that 2 week period i never had them.Sure im still blank but not depressed or anything.Overall im nervous about starting group therapy because im thinking if i should spend my whole weeks now at my grandmas or go to my house ,but my grandmas house is closer so i will stay at her house.i just have a hard time sleeping at others houses.I hope my psych understands y perspective on how i feel about taking the meds.I just know ill be fine and i dont have to worry.Im content with myself and not had any sign of suicidal or depressed thoughts for a week or two now.Even when i was having suicidal thoughts i was depressed i wasnt feeling bummed out just suicidal thoughts.I just have come to realize that i do help so many people and i feel like im lying to them when trying to give advice for multiple reasons.One is i dont really mean things i say and two i dont even take my own advice.So i dont know what to do.I always have thoughts about my problems but wouldnt say they are depressed thoughts.The times i do dwell on my problems too much i get stuck in weird loops or a mental breakdown in rare cases.I am good right now though and dont really think a new antidepressant is necessary.That is all for tonight I am going to try and see if i ca sleep or not because i went to bed at 7 am and got woken up two hours later for church to which i was falling asleep in church and my mom was being embarrassed and told me sleep in the car so i tried then my brother mom and dad came out and went home ,because my brother was having chest pains.We got home and i slept from 11:30 to 5:30 pm.So i dont know whether i will pull an all nighter or try and sleep.goodnight.

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