This picture represents how a substance like a cigarette would calm me down right now and the fact i need to calm down.I have been doing group therapy for 2 weeks now and since then i have learned alot and at the same time have been stressed to the max.Ill start with what happened over the weekend.So 3 days ago my friend invited me to go to colorado to visit with him and our mutual friends who live there.It is very anxiety inducing because i said no at first been then i got told by familoy and friends it would help me a lot and even a lady on the cruise that worked on the cruise said i should do thi9ngs like fly alone and help get over anxiety so i say screw it and im going to do it if i dont back out last second.Another thing stressing me out is my mom.She has been doing nothing but yelling at everyone and having the worst attitude.Such as her yelling at me for things i didnt do, making me leave my room to see a mess and then making me clean it up when i did nothing, to making me close a door when my dad was in the room and i went in there with it open.My mom is driving me over the edge just yesterday I turned on the shower and went to get a towel and my mom started yelling because she was in the other shower and the water turned freezing.I quickly heard her and turned the water off and she just yelled and yelled and yelled then when i took a shower she intentionally turned the hot water on so it went freezing on me luckily i can withstand water that is cold.I still didnt appreciate she turned it on hot purposely then i called today to tell her news i got from the doctor and asked if she picked up meds i told her to check on and she started yellinbg at me saying there was nothing for you ,but the thing is my mom went to get her own meds so i just asked if she could check while she was there then she started calling me a liar and made me say something to my grandma on the spot then just hung up.My grandma says my mo0m probably doesnt realize she has an attitude ,but i dont know.I talk about my mom a lot in group therapy and i tell them how i avoided cussing her out or starting fights ,but i am about to burst my bubble if this goes on for longer.Not only that ,but there is a lady in my group therapy who iritates me so much.I cant help but cuss a her in my mind and be judgemental.I was talking about how my mom called me an idiot and told me to shut up when i didnt do anything and i told them i just said you shouldnt talk to your son that way and the lady in my group says “if i was your mom i would of put you in timeout.”.Another time i cant help but jump to topics and i was just talking about different problems and she interrupted and told me “can you slow down and stop changing topics fist you were on about your mom now your on about something else”.One more thing she did was while i was tlaking she said “can we go on to the next person please”.I actually got so angry in group i was clenching my fists and had tears streaming down my face.I couldnt do anything but try and distract myself but nothing worked as the rage in me grew greater and greater so i stepped out washed my face and took a xanax.Not only that ,but i cant stop judging her in everyway possible like how her problems arent even a big deal and that im cussing her out in my head constantly.I have never been so angered by a person in awhile not as far back as i can remember i dont even get mad at my parents that way.I talked to the therapist alone for 5 mins after telling him how my mind was working at that moment and he said i can step out anytime.After the anxiety med kicked in i was fine but i still cant stand her.I went to the doctors today and we couldnt find the place and time was getting short so thats what started my anxiety attack today.I sat in a room for what felt like an hour just freaking out feeling weird at the same time as like a sedation of my meds.Even after the anxiety attack stopped i felt sedated and like a zombie.When the doctors came in i couldnt even stop myself from smiling even though i felt as if i was being tortured inside.Every single little thing he was telling me i was smiling like i always do.I found out that i have to get my arm rebroken and that just added stress.I smiled when he said it and was thinking to myself hes gonna think i think this all a joke or something.Then i decided ill do the surgery after i get back from colorado and my mom and grandma want me to get it done right away and say it will heal in time.When i called my mom to tell her this news is when i got called a liar and other things.Then at 7 pm tonight it was dark and i decided i have to go home and i drove home in the dark and as i was going on to the ramp to the highway i felt pulsing pain in my body mostly in my neck but my bottom back to and thought to myself im very stressed.I took a hot shower just 40 minutes before leaving to try and feel better and like usual nothing worked.I feel as as if i am being pushed over the edge and i wont be able to get back up.I have an appointment with my psych tomorrow because last friday when i was told i had him they didnt actually schedule me they forgot so i got it this tuesday..I need to talk about so many things.I even 4 days ago had complete motivation to stat volunteering at the hospital and going to the gym everyday.I still am motivated to do so ,but im just so stressed out i dont know what to do.The other day to i brushed my teeth and it tasted weird and i felt like somebody else used it and almost threw up the whole time i went to group therapy.It has to with my germaphobia they helped me identify.At least im not depressed and just stressed out because if i still had suicidal thoughts i think id be pushed over the edge.It is ok though i still have hope that things will be alright in the end.That is all for today have a nice night or day.

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