High

This picture represents how i always want to get calm and before would sort of cope using cigarettes or a substance.Although I have come to realize I dont need a substance I found other ways to cope.Such as relaxing baths meditating , and just enjoying things.I havent always been able to cope well with things of bad nature but i got the help i needed and now im at where i am today because of it.Yesterday I had a shooting pain in my leg and it felt weird after.I thought to myself what if have a blood clot and just die.I wasnt thinking in a negative manner just overthinking and anxiety.So after i went to my friends house who i didnt want to go to.I took a muscle relaxer and it got me messed up before i slept i would just lift my arm up and it would just fall back down.So today I took one for the hell of it and told myself i needed it.I didnt really need it and it is still affecting me at this very moment ,but it made me reflect on the fact i just took one to get high.I have come to realize i dont want a substance to be high as i can feel good sober.Just indulging in this behavior again could take down everything i worked for .I wont let my bad habits come into affect again.You know i wish we could all be happy and not be sad or angry and stuff.I just want my friends to know im here for them ,but i cant always voice it.Sometimes i think badly about it like thinking to myself” why dont people trust me?””am i not a good enough friend?”and many other things.Now i throw those thoughts out the window and think from a better point of view.Like “maybe they just arent ready to talk about anything yet”or “They know if they need me they can come and i will do my best to help whether it be just listening or anything”I have one friend that is sad right now i wish i could help to just magically erase sadness but i cant.I got my sleep schedule all messed up from no sleep and caffeine binge and not feeling good for a day.I come to realize all friends talk aobut each other so when one of my best friends got mad at me for talking about his toxic friendship i dont care.Because guess what i do care for him as a friend and i have the right to voice my opinion on why i think something is toxic to someone who has first hand experienced it.You know i lvoe my friends and family i dont know where id be if i didnt have them.They have actually helped me through so much and even though i felt as if i were all alone in the beginning and afraid and enveloped in darkness my friends and family were there from me guiding me into the light.I feel as if im going closer and closer its as if i can almost feel the loving warmth from the bright light.I am making progress and thats what matters i will have good and bad days.I know there will be better times in the end.I will have a happy life i want and im not going to give up myself.I wont let all my friends andfamilies hard work go to waste.I didnt do this all to get better just to give and fail if i give up now or in the near future what was everything i worked for to me then?I wont let my progress go to waste.i have the guidance and support to move forward.You know Im glad my outlook on the world has changed because when i was in that dark space it was everlasting and no getting out.I always held on to the light in the far distance as a hope for me.I feel bad right now because my friend in real life just wants to hang out and i have been less and less motivated to do so.I dont know if its my game thats doing this to me or what.My other bestfriend invited me to his 21st birthday party.I love to support my friends and help them out.Like the other day I spent 146$ on one of my bestfriends to me now to show my appreciation and i know some of you will say thats too much ,but for me showing my appreciation has no limits.I also feel good because i bought a friends drawing and helped support her and i didnt just do it to support her i actually like all her drawings.In fact i just got that drawing in the mail today.The only thing is my dad wont let me keep it in the house because he is religious and says skulls represent death.I dont care at least i can show how much my friends mean to me.Even today i gave a friend 45$ when he had to money so he could take a girl on a date.I fell good about it and no i wont let anyone take advantage of me.I want to give something to one other friend i have but i dont know what to do for him.I just want to live life to the fullest.I feel mind boggled that just a bit ago i closed my heart to others and didnt give time to anyone.yeah i still helped my friends out but it didnt feel all that genuine like i feel right now.I felt befor id help others as a task a burden.Now id love to help everyone as much as i can and be a good friend.Not syaing i wasnt a good friend before but now i feel better and im a new me.I cant believe how much different i thought and acted before.I was wearing a mask and just acting it felt like.Then when i was in group therapy something switched in my brain and i realized i do appreciate people and the things they do for me.I feel as if my heart is coming out of its shell and showing its flowers.God do i love life right now.I hope that i dont get in a low place again.I know ill still have down days but please god dont let me hit rock bottom.I have strength in you.you know what i have strength in myself too.I fel good and thats all that matters.I wont be getting high again off of anything maybe other then alcohol.I hate the fact i did a muscle relaxer today I feel so horrible that i took it for no reason and im not even enjoying the feeling.At least xanax just calms me and i dont get high from it.Anyways thanks for reading today hope you enjoy your night or day.

Here is a poem i wrote as i went:

Yet
The storm brews
The ocean waves swaying back and forth
Roaring letting it be known to the world
Below the ocean is a city rumored to be one of the most beautiful
It’s called Atlantis
It must be where your from
On the surface of the ocean is rough but below the surface is calm quiet and love
Dancing in the ocean water as the sea watches
You dance with fury and fire
Like lava hitting water such a beautiful sight to see
Oh how lucky I may be
I hope this lasts forever you see
Because I need you and you need me
Let love take us on the beautiful journey
Time is just a concept for our love is endless
In the abyss of the ocean in the city of Atlantis
Where we have none but us
I thought I have beauty before but nothing amounts to you
Ocean girl
One day I hope to show you the land
Oh how terrible it can be but you haven’t lived life till you have seen it all
Let me show you my roots
Then we will finally be able to fly away into the everlasting sky
And see something neither of us know
That’s the best part about our love
The unknown and what’s to find
For there is so much to see we will never see it all
But we will end in the stars somewhere
Ocean girl will you come with me?

 

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