Coming Undone

This picture represents the fact i felt all alone for so long and just recently started seeing that i do make impacts on peoples lives.Each day more and more i show my appreciation for more people.I went to my best friends 21st birthday party.At first i planned on not going because i was still not feeling good about my psychs death but i felt like that was an excuse and it was just my anxiety telling me to not go because people are going to be there.So my friend messaged me on fb another friend and he asked if i was going i said no but we talked for a bit and he convinced me.So i went at 8 pm and was the first there because i know him well he is my bestfriend.We talked and then i felt anxiety creep in.I asked if i could take a shot of tequila to calm down and my friend thought i was trying to get drunk already.I took one to calm down because i knew i couldnt drink on xanax.The longer i was there more people came i saw alot of familiar faces and some i have never seen.People were recognizing me that i didnt even remember and others remember me from the last party saying i was barred out which means i was on alot of anxiety meds.I started drinking alot to the point where my best friend had to tell me to calm down on the drinks.Then 10 minutes later i heard him say who wants shots and i yelled out “TEQUILA””ME”.He let me have another one and then i stopped inf act i was drunk to the point where i didnt want to be there anymore so after being there for 2 and a half hours i left and said bye to my bestfriend and the person who i talked to on fb .As i was walking to the driveway i heard people say what he left and then i heard everyone yell bye and then my name.A few days later My friend messaged me on facebook again and said if he could borrow a controller and talked about the party.He came to my house to pick it up and bring me a game back so we ended up talking in the car for an hour.He was telling me everyone loves me and even at the party after i was long gone they kept asking where i was and everyone thought they lost me and then remembered i left.It made me feel happy.He was telling me i was a likeable person.We started talking about life and what we want to do and in the back of my mind i was feeling like my other bestfriend was going to be mad that i started tlaking to our friend again.Like i thought he was gonna be jealous because he was talking about our friend in a negative way somewhat.What i have come to realize is friends no matter who will find a common enemy and talk about their others friends it is how people bond more whether good or bad.I do it everyone does.So when the person hears about it they think its tlaking shit when everyone really does it.Anyway i was hitting the vape in the car and getting a wicked headrush.I really enjoyed that moment it felt fulfilling just talking in a car for an hour always on a topic not just watching someone play games or watching youtube just talking in a car at night.He ended up leaving and i just went back in.I ended up stopping going to the gyma nd eating healthy mostly and i even started playing league again after i quit.I made a deal with my online bestfriend id quit league and hed quit cigs but i realized i dont need to quit i can just play in moderation.I heard he started smoking again which to me just because i quit doesnt mean he shjould just smoke again after he did so good thats not a good mentality but i get it it was a trust thing.Whatever you wanna do to yourself do it.I found out they found out who my psychs killer was and its a strange story.Thats all im gonna say on that.My grandpa and his wife visited and spent the night but i was upset because they were all drunk and being annoying.I see my new psych for the first time tomorrow and i dont know how to feel about it.I hope all goes well alls i know is im going to try and get out more and hang out with friends more.My trip to colorado is inching closer and closer.I feel like im going downhill a tiny bit but im still feeling good.Knowing i have all my friends around me.My online bestfriend gave me a panic attack almost because he was saying he was going to hook me up with some girls out there and i dont want to.He was telling me if i hooked you up and you backed out id be dissapointed but i dont care i am not gonna do that.I got into an arguement with one of my bestfriends and when it stated getting worse i just told him alright talk to you later.Then he started talking calmly and we talked it out.Im glad i learned to control my emotions to a degree it helps alot because there are alot of people with tempers and attitudes out there.He even took my advice when his girlfriend was arguing with him and he walked away and she felt bad about it.I had a good tlak with someone who was a friend of a friend online and we talked about stuff we have learned and how we use it.Like how i was telling him there are constructive arguments and how people want a common enemy.I feel good about life right now im gonna go to school after this summer break.I almost turn 21 and its my birth month this month starting tomorrow.I just want to thank everyone in my life who acknowledge me and say they are glad im in their life.Hearing that makes me happy i love everyone.My friend helped me with things too like picking out posters and talking to me alot.They help me when i need advice.Im going to still try and better myself and cant wait for what the future holds thank you everyone!

Heres a song to listen to: