This picture represents me for short ill explain both parts.I am afraid to live in the sense that im scared to get a job because im afraid ill not be good enough and would fail.Not only that but i feel as if i can never make some people happy.Im addicted to ym computer and video games and am scared of the world around me.I dont even like driving a city or two away on the road because i let my fears get the best of me .Im afraid of living.I dont know whjere to go or what to do in life and my therpaist asked me if you had 1 month to live what would you do.I really dont know what i do but she said asked me why i think some people start living their life when they are about to die and thats a good question.Why am i not living to what i can be.I could be doing many things right now hanging out with alot of friends always messaging them but instead i play a god damn game.Im also afraid of dying the other day i watched a video on assisted suicides not that i was thinking about suicide but i saw a post about it so i watched a documentary on it.When the part came down to them drinking the deadly cocktail that puts you asleep forever they did it.But right as it started making them go to sleep they freak out as if they have regret about taking it or maybe they dont want to die .It really messed me up to watch that.It also made me think hard about what the afterlife is like.No one knos and thats what scares me everyone goes through it but no one knows the other side.Im afraid to die i dont want to die.It just scares me everytime i think about it.Now that im done with that ill go on about something else.I didnt realize iw as affecting people by playing my game all the time but one day i was in a call with some friends and nobody looked happy everything was just off.Then they left one by one and my last friend was there.I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was having a horrible time.I told him im here for hima nd said no your arent.I was shocked at first but he then explained to me and made me realize in a new light that I have been putting off my friend s for the game.So from that day i started to cut off more games and was doing better but little by little i slowly go back to full playing even though im still doing better.The other day i also felt bad becaus eanother friend came on and we asked him if he was fine he said yeah but then started crying.He was talking alot about stuff and my real life friend called me because i was supposed to hang out with him so i told my friend id be there in an hour so i di i stayed another hour then left but i didnt want to i wanted to be there for him.not only that but i uninstalled my game then and told my real life friend that i quit after tlaking to my online friend.Then he started comparing me saying stuff such as”i been telling you to quit for along time now why do you decide to stop when he tells you” and no one gets it i hate comparisons there are always smaller things that contribute to a descision.So i told my friend why do you have to compare and we talked it out.nobody is perfect but i ca just tell things arent always happy in life i feel happy but i need to understand others dont.Like i hear my parents and friends arguing to each other or their girlfriends for the stupidest reasons and i think to myself why why do you have to have no control over yourself. But everyone is different.Other friends wondert whats the point of being nice anymore and that they shouldnt care about things anymore but what will that do?It will make things worse in my eyes.I have to come to see myself as a likeable person with people and friends are getting jealous of other friends messaging me or something.Like im loyal to my friends id never ditch my friends for someone else.They think almost like im gonna switch up on them and i dont know why.Last week too one friend asked me to hang out and i said id rather hangout another day and he tells me ok then nevermind and proceeds to tell my other friend that im not being a good friend because i didnt want to hang out that day and screenshotted our conversation.Like what is wrong with people this is why i get frustrated with people.My one best friend though no matter how long we dont talk no matter what the case i never had any problems with him none.With every other friend in existence i have had alot of problems but my one best friend is just chill and understands things.I even hand delivered an appreciation letter to him.Its getting closer and closer to going to colorado and im excited but bad news always comes in to me.Im not going to talk about it and its not towards me its to my friend.Some people just arent happy with anything or rarely anything .I know everyone fights their own battles but i can see it people alot of different ways and i cant see close to anything i can only tell there is a problem.Im content right though and thats what matters.Ill keep staying strong and i signed up for classes already again and im thinking about getting a part time job in the meantime while im in school too.I think that would be great even though getting a job scares me sometimes.I always think to mysaelf im not good enough will i ever succeed.I know i can but i cant help but look down on myself sometimes but it doesnt make me sad or anything just blank.I started a new med for anxiety and i dont know what to think yet.I feel so high off it everytime i do it i have to lay down.I dont want to feel baked out of my mind i just want the anxiety gone.I just want everyone to know whether i abrely know you or i nkow you well or not at all i appreciate everyone and im thankful for anyone who has had something to do with me and those i dont know im thankful for you existing and i know you will find a way to deal with your battles and make it through dont lose hope.thats all for tonight heres a song.
I have been recently into the 1950’s music
Daily life with Schizophrenia 