Take a breather

This picture represents the different faces i have had to others around me while the real me feels like a monster without the masks.I sometimes still feel as if i wear masks around people and act different with one group of friends compared to the other.I get these horrible panic attacks still and i feel so vulnerable when i get them.I start thinking all the worst things such as  “Am i a good friend?” “No im not  im a horrible person””Im a liar a fake everything ” and much more when im like in my panic attacks.I feel things that arent even true i think them and ic ant stop and im so tired of my panic attacks.I literally feel like if i was that way at any point anywhere i would want to die on the spot.It is so bad that i had one at my friends house and i just got there we drove home as i felt the anxiety growing then i took a xanax and went back over.It just got so bad i felt so uncomfortable around him and i was praying for him not to even look my way or id freak out so i made little eye contact.He kept telling me everything is going to be alright but i waited what felt like an hour and a half but was really like 15 minutes and had to leave and drive home.In fact i just had a panic attack two days ago and i took a xanax when i was home alone and by the time it kicked in i already took y night meds to but my friend wanted to hang out.I asked this time if he could pick me up because i had taken alot of meds which was a good idea later .We went to 7/11 and i was feeling the euphoria of relief hit me from the panic attack.I got an energy drink went to get some food then back to his house.I drank the energy drink and boom i woke up in my bed.I didnt even realize i blacked out that night until i was talking to my therapist and had no recollection of coming home then i asked my friend about it he said i started falling asleep and waking up alot so he had to take me home.It weirded me out because i hadnt done anything more then what i usually do.Im glad i didnt drive thats all that matters to me.Another thing on my mind is that fact i have a sense of impeding death on me alot.Like this paranoia that im gonna die or my family is.I get it frequently.I dont know why im getting it but hearing about mass shootings and car crashes only triggers it more i find.I also said i was going to start going to the gym and i always find an excuse not to go and cant seem to eat healthy.Hopefully when school starts in less then a month i have some motivation.Alls i been doing is playing a game all the time that im addicted to.One of my best friends and me have been talking about how our other friend is a narcissist.It has been bothering my friend and me alittle because you could be telling him a whole story then he when you expect a response he goes “Yeah so yesterday” and its rude not only that but his best friend even told my best friend that they are having a strained relationship.He makes everything about him self  always tries to act like the big dog.One example is how me and my best friend are closer to each other then him and our other friend but when were all three together he makes jokes at me like im a someone to be messed with.Like he even told his best friend that he views certain friends as men and some as bitches and it makes me think which does he view me as.He already said i wasnt being a good friend just because i dont make an effort to hang out alot.If you were really my friend you would message me too to hang out dont just expect me to always message you its a two way street.Anyway the point is were all realizing hes a toxic person and debating whether to cut him out or not.Other then that im starting school soon and im excited but nervous at the same time because of my anxiety.At least i get to see my psych soon.Thats all for today have a good one :).Here is a song to listen to.