Happy Illusion

This image represents how me and my friends both face battles so in the dark abyss we both walk with each other.Will we get out?We can.It also represents how when my friends are doing bad i feel emotion as if i have strong empathy when they are hurting such as sadness for a depressed friend or anger of how they were hurt.I am still doing better to an extent but as of late been having some random depressive episodes.I still am happy but some days i am nothing but sad and depressed wheras when i sleep and wake up the next day its like i think im such a fool for even thinking those thought and im back to being happy.Just the other day i was driving home in the car from school and got sad to the point where i wasnt even consiously remembering driving but instead playing scenarios in my head over and over the whole way of me getting a shotgun from my house and telling everyone buy over the phone and driving out in the boonies calling my friend telling him only where i was in the boonies with a vague description in the hopes he would try to stop me from killing myself as i had a shotgun in my mouth.Then i imagined him calling the cops and my parents came and i was in a stand off and i either shot myself or i was saved but in the scenario where i shot myself i imagined my funeral and about how many people would be there  or who would be sad.I replayed this scenario over and over in a span on 20 minutes of driving.what was wrong that day what changed when i was in class time was taking what felt like 5 hours for a 2 hour class.I even had my happy music on cuco so why did i feel so down and think this i dont know.So im seeing my psych as soon as possible and taking action right away.Another thing is how i know my heart is opened and i walked in the abyss with a friend is the other day and i always say this but i have a 6th sense i have these random moments where i do things as something happens right after cant explain its like god gave me a 6th sense.I have one friend who is very hurt right now and out of nowhere of him hiding his feelings i got a bad feeling and started crying telling him how much i love him and he means so much to me and id feel empty without him.I was surprised i felt all this emotion out of nowhere but it started from me imagining the world without him.Then he started sniffling still wearing a mask and went off mic then i heard him crying his eyes out and he private called me and told me he planned on ending that night but i stopped him from doing it .I felt so much emotion from that that i started telling him on repeat i love you.He later went to bed and i went to a friends because i was so distrought by this and it messed me up for a good coupl days.but you know what i mean im still in an abyss and so are my friends but together we walk not alone in the abyss together.I also had a good talk with one of my bestfriends who ive recently had problems with he talked sense into me and sent me an old message i sent him from group therapy where i felt the happiest i ever been literal euphoria and i broke down crying . realizing all the irrational stuff ive done and how i been being kinda a bad friend.I have more of my friends day by day walking the abyss with me opening up to me slowly.Its not a one way street its a two way i help them and they help me.So we walk it together even though at one point i wanted to walk the abyss alone now i walk it with my friends and people who need help and try my best at what i can do to be there for them.I think i wrote about it but i had a manic attack a week or two ago where i was  talking insanely fast and pacing like crazy never had that happen before almost thought i was gonna have to go to the hospital but instead i knocked myself out with meds.I tried to watch the new joker movie with my brother and dad and it made me so uncomfortable and triggered to me to the point where i had to walk out call my mom admist an anxiety attack and then cried in the car.It triggered me basically because of the mental illness aspect it hit hard and i couldnt handle it.My dad told me the next day when he looked at my brothers face it was normal but when he looked at my face my mouth was open and blankly staring at it he said he knew alot of shit was going on in my head.He said he knew 10 minute sint he movie it wasnt one for me to watch.I was getting so many flashback and bad memories and so many other things from that movie it was insane.I also started talking to some foreign friends 🙂 and they are very nice and gives me new perspective on how things are in multiple ways.How they act how they talk everything is so intriguing to me.so yeah i may not being doing super good i even had a mental breakdown about school because of the piling stress and not knowing how to do thing but guess who helped my friends :).I couldnt ask for anything better from some friends.Although some friends dont really help me i still help them and some just dont know how to help me and thats ok.Ive learned so mucha nd changed so much im proud of myself  even if i still have bad days because everyone does. The title of this blog Happy Illusion is titled that not because happiness is an illusion its real its just that many people hide their sadness and sorrow or lock it away and act happy still.Even when they hit rock bottom they keep a smile ofn their face that happy illusion you know?Its crazy to find ut how much certain people are struggling and you think to yourself im not alone.Thats why i want to be there for my friends because when i thought i was alone i actually had people pull me out of soo many things.Its unbelievable.Yeha i know some friends dont have the money or resources to do things like i did for help but theres still ways if you put your mind to it.I wish i knew what to say to people sometimes when i nkow what they are doing is a bad coping mechanism but im not on a therapists lvevel so i cant always have the right things to say to get them to be happy.Another thing is i cant make them happy they need to do it on their own but i will support them to get them there.Ands theres no right way to talk to someone .That is all i have for today even though i could write like 5 blogs right now.Just know friends if you ever see this your not alone were both in the abyss together and we will get out.

 

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