This picture represents how when people get close to me i feel like i can talk about some dark stuff i went through but at the same time I have had some people freak out so i like to close off.I just saw my therapist and had a good talk and got some help i needed i was running on 24 hours no sleep and other things.My sleep has been whack since i stopped taking buspar and i been sleeping and staying awake at all kinds of odd hours.I wasnt sure if i was supposed to taper off and i got put on wellbutrin so im not sure what but in feel a sense of instability.Idk if its because i been feeling depressed lack of sleep or changed meds or whats going on but i dont feel my self you know?I have my one friend on my ass to get a job and too keep working out and im trying to but i feel no motivation.Absolutely none.Idk why but my therapist told me like how i thought my heart was closed but it was there the whole time my motivation can be there too for example she told me for 7-10 years straight i havent missed any of her appointments unless i was sick i always woke up on time and made it and she says im motivated to things that benefit me.So maybe i have motivation its just hiding.Even though my friends been on my ass for alot of stuff its true i makiing excuses for every single little thing in my head to not do something.Its funny because i have to do a research paper on mental illness so of course i chose schizophrenia as i have it and went to my grandmas and took home one of the books about schizophrenia and as i read it it im like oh that happens to me or i didnt know that was a symptom.It is always mind boggling reading on things you never think about.M best friend said hes probably going to move within the next year and it sucks for me but i cant think selfishly hes trying to have a better life.Makes me think about the goals i want to achieve too. I want a good life and got goals and i know one day ill be motivated to do em.Right now im just trying to get my mental health together and feel normal.I am gonna take small steps at a time.First step being to work out normally even if i still give into the temptation of eating unhealthy.I believe in myself.Me and my best friend went and were there for other friend today he lost his best friend to fentanyl OD.My friends also tell me they are seeing me act different but my therapist said i should pay attention to what i notice changing about myself not what others think.I do notice me saying nonsense words alot and correcting myself.I actually went back and watched the joker movie all the way through and didnt get triggered so im glad about that.I also notice my thoughts can flip in a switch i can think one way and the next thing you know im 180 degrees the other way for example after joker we went to a neighboring city and at first i was hating going and absolutely didnt want to go ,but then something snapped and i wanted to go and small things like that sometimes.I truly do believe though that god gives me a 6th sense to certain things i cant explain.Like small things like coming outside when my friend just comes down my street with no warning or getting in my car when my friend said he would call me later to come over and as i get in my car he calls to tell me to come over its just weird theres so many things that happen i cant explain but im a firm believer that i have a 6th sense sometimes.Thats all for this blog enjoy the end song :).

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