Sunshine

This picture represents how all the people that are in my life and never gave up on me you dont know how much you mean to me.I just read my own blog for one of the rare times i do and I just read the blog post called darker days posted on august 18th of last year.I just realized right after i made the blog post i went on a 51/50 for homicidal tendencies that night just a couple hours later.I read that and it shocked me how much i was unstable and it also makes me happy of where im at right now not hating everyone or my parents anymore.I still have bad days but stuff like anxiety and alittle depression even though my depression hasnt been here for awhile.I got a panic attack the other day where my anxiety meds weren’t working and my eyes were bugging eventually i meditated and everything kicked in ,but ive come to realize i do need to better myself but to no avail i have no motivation.I read in a book about schizophrenia that people with it can’t find motivation and im not using it as an excuse ,but like it’s so hard for me to have the motivation to do anything even drive somewhere.I also been sleeping all day and staying awake over 24 hours somedays some would say its depression but i dont feel depressed right now i just got off my sleeping/anxiety med without tapering and think that could be a reason.I would like to get a job im scared shitless about it but also wanting to do it i was all set on doing it then a day later my mind flipped in a switch.My mind always tells me everything to not do something i couldn’t even say 1/100th of a the excuses and thoughts that go in my head.My mind can change in an instant.Other then that though I so far have got 50/50 on two xams in my psychology class so i have an a+ and im proud of myself.One thing that saddens me about myself is that i think all my friends that i know and the ones im close with all have jobs and i still havent had my first one yet.Im 21 ,but it just sucks because i dont have the motivation and everything in my head tells me not to do things.So i have alot of things to conquer.Ifonly i could start working out and eating healthy its so hard but my main goal is to lose weight so i can wear at least a large or medium shirt instead of 3XXL.I give into temptation all the time and im still addicted to league of legends.I even almost caught myself going back to my old ways of leaving friends early to play it or staying home instead of bettering myself to play it.My friends arent giving up on me and i always make new ones and i appreciate that they do try and motivate me and my one friend even put in a word for me to get a job where he works and even though they arent hiring anymore he said he would do it if he sees it.My friends really care about me and i feel bad when i talk to other friends about flaws i see in other friends.I have so many examples but i reality i just want advice or to voice concerns instead of confronting my friend i have the issue with you know.Im broken mentally i apologize for everything ,i have a hard time saying no, and many others.I dont know how much trauma i been through but no matter how broken i am i will strive for greatness and always help others to the best of my ability.I will always help others but some take advantage of that and im used to it or i still dont put my foot down.I am so used to giving that my friends say man no its ok i got it like if they want to buy a sandwich i say hey i can buy you that or hear you can have this and they say you dont have to or they tell me no its ok man i got it.My one friend i always used to buy for before he got a job buys me food now so i know he wasnt using me he just couldnt buy me anything back.I have heart to hearts with my friends too and i love it.I really cant explain how thankful i am for my friends.They are always here for me even if i have been  doing badly or snap at them or treated them bad recently.I noticed when i meet some new people and they ask if i wanna smoke weed and i say no because i have schizophrenia i have heard multiple say i think i may have it too then they ask me questions about it.It bugs me but nevertheless im used to it.I also love hearing what my friends are passionate about it makes me happy like my best friend is addicted to a game right now and i thought he was only addicted to it for the sole fact he wanted to make money in the game but then he explained to me how he roleplays his character and i listened to it for awhile smiling while i saw him smile while explaining he has a whole story to it and everything.I love my friends.I even related to him in some parts and i was wired off an energy drink so i was talking his ear off and hes so courteous that he nevers tells me to be quiet and listens even if i talk for 3 hours straight.Although i know he cant retain that much info.My one friends best friend died of an overdose recently and he messaged me first even though were not like best friends but still close and he was a pallbear at the funeral and was gonnna do a speech for the funeral so he called me and went over his speech with me and i felt so appreciated and honored my friend would share some stuff that is hard for him you know?then we ended up talking about the both of us and he motivated me for a bit but like i said the next day it went away.I also noticed that i act different with all my friends in a certain way still.Like i adapt to their personality.Idk why but i do.That is the end of todays blog hers a song for the end.