Night Life

This picture represents how i love the night time and i can be in my own thoughts and think and do so many things .Just the other day i had a paranoid panic attack I was with my friend in the car wash and then i just closed my eyes like normal and i can tell its coming on when my eyes rattle when i close them so when i got back to his house i felt it coming on strong and my friend made a joke then repeated a word 4 times.At this point i went to full panic mode and said i gotta leave right now and my friend was confused.I said its not you but i have to go like right now im so sorry bye then i closed his door i procceded to call my mom and tell her im having a panic attack as i walk to my car and say im gonna take my meds and sleep then she started rationalizing stuff i was saying by saing you sleep because of this and that which was making my panic attack worse.I got home my dad tried talking to me i was snapping at everyone and and told him i was freaking out then he asked me what my friend said to me.I told him he didnt do anything im just freaking out.He closed the door and i took my risperidone and 2 xanax and a seroquel and laid down.I couldnt cose my eyes and i was just rolling around in bed like an insane person it felt like It felt like the moment lasted forever.I started getting all these thoughts such as “M friebnd is gonna kill me””my friend thinks i probably thinks i hate him””im gonna get shot im gonna die.”Then i heard booming coming from the outside but in reality now that i think about it it was the stereo tv in the living room prob but i thought my friend came to my house blasting music then I heard words muffled with the booming and started thinking aliens were talking.When i have those paranoia panic attacks i hate being looked at and i called my mom and told her to hide the keys from me.I know whe i spin my stories on my spatula and make stories i can determine fake from reality but these paranoia panic attacks i cant sometimes.I remember when i had one before and i thought i was going to get shot through my window i had to go to the couch and just stay there suffering.It is the worst feeling in the world.I can sense them coming on too so when i think about me being in certain positions i feel if they happneed id lose my job or other things.Then after the xanax kicked in i felt calm then boom i blacked out and woke up at 4 am.I wouldnt wish those anybody also when im in those situations i see scenarios happening front of me of whats going to happen if my mom walks in on me like id ytell at her and roll around and she’d think im crazy or having an episode and call the ambulance then i’d go to the psych ward.I think so fast i have so much like delusional thoughts going through my head.he reason i took 2 xanax is because i wanted this to end and wanted to be asleep.I knew i was gonna black out but its better then feeling that feeling fuck that.But while i was waiting for it to kick in i also was picturing my mom coming home because i told her i took too much meds and call the cops or something and the fear of waiting to black out was making things worse I just sat there like im suffering right now and then im gonna black out.I talked to my therapist about that the paranoia panic attacks.Another thing i noticed with my friends is none are all the way happy and have deeper problems then you think.Just the other day one of my friends revealed to me some trauma of his and i understood alot of things more now. I just listened and then the next day my other friend i could see him crying on cam and he was still dancing to music we were watching together i could tell he wasnt ok and he said no on loves him but one person so if my friends think that i gotta let them know i do love them then we typed alot to each other and i will always be there for my friends.I love all my friends even if i isolate from them alot.They may not feel loved but they are.I see flaws in alot of people too like jealousy people taking offense to certain things i always notice the small things.So yeah i notice my friends arent always happy as they seem everyone hides their feelings and there could be multiple reasons 1. they dont want to look weak 2. maybe they dont want to seem like their hurting to get their mind off things and distract themselves. and the list goes on forever.I try to be open with my problems because it helps in the long run but one thing i cant do is confrontation.So i end on confiding in other friends for advice and my friends take it the wrong way .Im just voicing my concerns.I still have no motivation at this moment and i want to have it but cant find it and it sucks.Although i almost got my sleeping schedule fixed but i find myself being tired all the time no matter when i wake up or when i sleep but today i only got 6 hous instead of 12-16 hours of sleep.I been having dreams which i like but i hate falling asleep but like sleeping i wish i could just instantly go to sleep.anyway I talked about my schizophrenia in class alittle like some symptoms and stuff and she said you dont have to share more then you want. I also talked to my therapist about the joker movie and how it triggered me like when it says something about him being into an institution then he slams his head against the wall and it brought me flashbacks when i was in the instituition and i wanted to slam my head in the wall.Another thing about it is how people are treated with mental illness its so stigmatized and when hes tlaking to the therapist abnd say you dont listen to a fucking word i say you just ask the same questionsit hit me because when i explain to my friends certain ones they have been like that .The homicidal tendencies of him also got to me  but my therapist reminded me that the system failed him he had no support no meds and was messed with.I remember when i’d spin pens in class for my stories and people wqould mock me and start spinning their hands at me.Anyway Those panic paranoia attacks really suck and it feels like hell.My friends trust me which is nice and i trust them like my previous post with the picture that says in the abyss i walk with you i mean it were both suffering and ill go through it with you we walk it together.But so many people wear masks its not even funny no one shows their emotions and its a coping mechanism i get it and not everyone needs to know their business ,but if your not doing ok you dont always have to pretend like you are thats why im there for my friends who trust me and feel alone.Thats all for today have a nice night

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