Flipping the switch

This picture represents how i feel the light of hope is so close but i cant get up to reach it  so close yet so far .I think i might of said it in my last blog but i found out those panic attacks that i thought i was having were mini psychosis’s.Stuff like this would happen I’d get the feeling i know all too well before it even got bad and would instantly take a xanax then my eyes would be sensitive to light.I start feeling really weird then i would lay down and roll back and forth saying fuck over and over and i was hearing things voices ,bad thoughts , and more.I once during an episode thought my friend was coming to my house to kill me and i started hearing loud booming outside as i usually hear when he shows up in his car of music then i was thinking no hes here and would tell my parents to not let him in if he came.i even switched to my parents room because he usually knocks on my window whe he comes to my house and my window is next to the front door.I always thought they were just panic attacks until i told my psych about them.I got med changes and now they are gone and for that im thankful because that was torment and i in those moments would tell myself i want to die rather then feel this.I also watched videos about other peoples experiences with schizophrenia and realized some of those things happened to me as well but i never thought of it as odd or unusual.These things include random touching sensations on me or hearing my name be called when no one is home or if they are here i say what do you want and they say they never asked for me.I just hear my name Brent.Since i havent been paying attention to it i dont know when the last time its happened.I also have other things like when walking past my parents door  i would hear talking it has happened multiple times but i’ve even opened the door to see if they were still up and they were both snoring.I also at times hear arguing out my door and when i open my door to listen to what they are saying my parents are both quietly watching tv.Or the fact that i see flies and spiders when they arent there and i dont just mean out the corner of my eyes i really see black dots on the wall that go away when i focus on it more or i see something black flash across my face like a fly.I always like learning about my illness.One thing i wanted to talk about that just happened 1 hour ago is i jokingly told my friend a joke and he jokingly showed it to my other friend and she went off on me and i apologized but she kept going i wasnt mad or anything then out of nowhere my flip switched i was in a call with my friend who showed her what i said and i said on voice im about to blow the fuck up at her and he said hey man chill.So sometimes when my flip switches i can sometimes grasp the last bit of rationality i have.So i was fuming but i told her hey i appreciate what your trying to do and help me but im getting really pissed and i dont want to be irrational so im going to chill and get off facebook.When i flip my switch i mean i get harmful thoughts about others stat picturing things in my head and act very irrational.That sent me to the psych ward and also part of the reason my mom  went to jail that day.When my flip switches i go into super anger and violent mode.For example when my friend made me flip  my switch i wasw instantly about to go off on her and ruin our friendship and also had thoughts about how if she was in front of me right now i’d beat the living shit our over until she couldnt walk.Those are a tiny amount of stuff i think when i flip my switch.The good thing though is it doesnt happen very often .Like my parents can be yelling in my face and ill be calm and rational ,but sometimes i just have something switch in me and i dont like being in that state.Im glad i been to group therapy because it helped me stay rational and learn how to diffuse and calm a situation.Like when my flip switches i feed off anger and chaos and wan to do as much harm as i possibly can ,but afterwards when im back to normal i hated that i went into that state.Its about taking one step at a time and the fact i controlled myself im proud of myself.My parents also argued the other day and i got increasingly annoyed im not gonna lie my home life is very dsyfunctional as you can tell by reading my other blogs.Everyone gets snappy at each other.My dad has major temper problems no patience and then acts like everythings fine after he caused so much damage emotionally to my brother or my mom.Then theres my mom who is stubborn and gets snappy when things dont go her way.Then theres also my brother who is messed up because of all the fighting my parents do and he feels unloved and that my parents dont care about him and also talks with an attitude that can start an argument like it did the other day.The all act like children it annoys me how much they act ignorant but i cant change them.I just want to work on myself..Well thats it for this blog havea  nice night and heres a song at the for you guys.